Verbally Standing Up to People (person, abuse, appropriate)
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There's a lot of advice that recommends that you ignore rude comments or unfair accusations against you. "Don't get defensive" and all that. Looking back at confrontational situations I actually find the opposite to work better.
The times when I stood my ground, immediately and clearly expressed and defended my opinion or views - is when I felt good, my psychological well-being was kept intact and further verbal abuse did not occur.
The times when I tried to ignore "the nonsense" (no point in arguing with someone completely unreasonable or out of line, right?) from others or defended myself meekly and overall chose to take the high road - my psychological state was deeply compromised, abuse continued, I'd sometimes not be able to sleep at night and I would regret not defending myself decisively. And by defending I don't mean getting down to the level of insults - I just mean letting them know exactly how I see things.
I do know that throughout my life I have let things go and not stood up for myself so many times and ended up feeling like I let myself down. When I would do that, some people know I am going to take it and don't stop. (Like one ex-friend who would call me "bi***", "lame" and other names --all in "kidding" as well as put me down in other ways.
I have always been told I am too nice. I have started being more assertive. Unfortunately, now some people really do think I am a b****. I am not the old whipping pony for everyone to take shots at when they are having a bad day like I used to be. It is hard.
Really, some people still aren't worth my time trying to "defend" myself. They are the ones who have to be "right" and will argue with a tree stump if a human wasn't around. Sometimes it is easier just to choose to place an enormous amount of distance between the two of us.
I'm pretty verbal and tend to speak my mind. Someone makes a rude or disrespectful statement towards me, I get right in their face. I do admit that my temper can at times flare up, but as I get older I'm trying to curb it. I'm not a confrontational person; by the same token I don't take s*** from anybody. My aggressiveness has landed me in the boss's office on one or two occasions. Now if someone speaks disrespectfully to me, I will warn tactfully that they need to take it down; usually I'll warn them once. Once!
There's a lot of advice that recommends that you ignore rude comments or unfair accusations against you. "Don't get defensive" and all that. Looking back at confrontational situations I actually find the opposite to work better.
The times when I stood my ground, immediately and clearly expressed and defended my opinion or views - is when I felt good, my psychological well-being was kept intact and further verbal abuse did not occur.
The times when I tried to ignore "the nonsense" (no point in arguing with someone completely unreasonable or out of line, right?) from others or defended myself meekly and overall chose to take the high road - my psychological state was deeply compromised, abuse continued, I'd sometimes not be able to sleep at night and I would regret not defending myself decisively. And by defending I don't mean getting down to the level of insults - I just mean letting them know exactly how I see things.
Has anyone else had the same experience?
Yes, I have tried to ignore people's rude comments before and turn the other cheek and say nothing. But I have found that they take my unresponsiveness as a green light to carry on being rude!
The older I have become, the more I have learnt to stick up for myself. The best way I have found is to not express it in an angry way. I take a deep breath, try to remain calm and try to explain in a matter-of-fact way how they have upset me. If I ever get angry with someone, they always get angry and defensive with me in return!
If I ever get angry with someone, they always get angry and defensive with me in return!
And even that's better. Because after the confrontation "peaks" it will die down (unless it gets physical but we're not talking about that). Turning the other cheek just invites more abuse - even if you ignore them completely - they still know they're hurting you - they see it thru your subtle body language.
I do know that throughout my life I have let things go and not stood up for myself so many times and ended up feeling like I let myself down. When I would do that, some people know I am going to take it and don't stop. (Like one ex-friend who would call me "bi***", "lame" and other names --all in "kidding" as well as put me down in other ways.
I have always been told I am too nice. I have started being more assertive. Unfortunately, now some people really do think I am a b****. I am not the old whipping pony for everyone to take shots at when they are having a bad day like I used to be. It is hard.
Really, some people still aren't worth my time trying to "defend" myself. They are the ones who have to be "right" and will argue with a tree stump if a human wasn't around. Sometimes it is easier just to choose to place an enormous amount of distance between the two of us.
Wow, you should not have been called names like that! How rude!
I'm glad that you are now starting to stick up for yourself - it feels good, doesn't it?
You say that now people really do think you are a b**** - can I ask you: are you sticking up for yourself but are feeling angry with them at the same time? The best way is to show them you can deal with them in a calm and composed way.
there are different ways of going about it.. I am civil and respectful about how i stand up for myself, I don't shout or yell or use alot of profanity because that is when people know they have pushed your buttons and when they know that, they will push them all the time just to get a laugh at you being fired up.. be cool about it and they will learn to respect you
And even that's better. Because after the confrontation "peaks" it will die down (unless it gets physical but we're not talking about that). Turning the other cheek just invites more abuse - even if you ignore them completely - they still know they're hurting you - they see it thru your subtle body language.
Yes, I don't want to get angry at someone and make them very angry. There's always a chance they'll end up punching me! Lol!
there are different ways of going about it.. I am civil and respectful about how i stand up for myself, I don't shout or yell or use alot of profanity because that is when people know they have pushed your buttons and when they know that, they will push them all the time just to get a laugh at you being fired up.. be cool about it and they will learn to respect you
^ This is true. Some people seem to get a sick kick out of making others angry.
Sometimes its not worth it to "stand up" to others (sometimes it dangerous, especially when dealing with many of the youths today). Still, while I generally try to avoid confrontation, I will respond to situations appropriately, always.
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