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So here is the deal I moved down with my mom because she is having some health issues & as she gets older she can't get around so good. I never thought as 44 I'd be doing this but I only have one mom so here I am. BTW she is 67. I moved down here for more then just my mom & I told her this before I moved here the women I am seeing is now 8 hours away instead of 12. So it's much easier to go out there & see her & have her come see me. I haven't always been one to jump into a relationship almost over night not sure why & I haven't always made the best choices when it comes to women hence the ex-wife. Well I have been seeing this women for 5 months now & we're getting along great so far, my mom seems to think that at any given moment I'm going to pick up & take off at any given moment to move in with her. I know what my mom is hoping for & more or less she wants me to stay with her until she passes, she has had two marriages in her life & doesn't want to get into another one and at her age I understand that. She ask me today can I just be instead of wanting someone in my life besides her.
Sort of creepy trust me I get that. But I knew what she meant. I am her only child out of eight the rest died at birth. Long story there.
My question is how can I get her to understand that I want someone to share my life with out breaking her heart?
I love my mom she is the only relative I am close to these days. I get it that she is lonely but she is by choice I think life is too short to be lived alone two very different ideas so. I told my Gf the best way to get my mom to like her is too include her as much as we can when doing activities that we know she would like doing. My mom has the ability person you have ever met then snap your fingers & she is the anti-christ!! I know deep down we MIGHT make it though the holidays without going off on each other at some point & either she will kick me out or I'll leave again.
I don't want to lose this women or hurt my moms feelings so I feel like I'm at a crossroads here. I do plan to move closer or in with this women at some point in time, we've both talked about it but it's tooo soon to move forward with it. Don't get me wrong I know that this wasn't going to be easy moving back in with her, so I blame myself to some extent & it's too late to back out now.
It seems your mom wants you to choose between her and your girlfriend and I don't think you should bring your mom along in some attempt to make her like your girlfriend better, you already live with her -- that should be more than enough.
You may have to choose. It sounds like that's what your mom wants. So it's up to you. I think you should put your foot down and make your mom understand that you're not her little boy and she needs to find at least some activities of her own. I think you should do some things that include her but she can find friends and have a social life apart from you.
If your mom has the money maybe she could move into a condo for other seniors that will have people her own age and activities for her. She is lonely but that doesn't mean that it has to be you.
It's difficult at that age because the living situations available for older people are usually very expensive but if she can afford it, that's what I would suggest.
Sounds like she's had a hard life and you are a good person for caring.
You can help your Mom without living w/ her. You need to have a life. That life doesn't mean you'll never help or be near your Mom again, but she has unrealistic expectations that you will. Hook her up w/ senior services in your area. Get things like resource numbers, her senior center, meals on wheels etc lined up. Those are the things you should help your Mom with, that's what you should tell her, that you are there to hep get things coordinated. The rest is really up to her. Should you eventuay decide to take this new relationship to the next eve, perhaps you a can live within a shorter distance, maybe moving your Mom to the vicinity, but that is a long way off. Are you working outside the home?? You should be doing everything you woud normally do...If your Mom is too disabled to live alone you should be exploring nursing homes, supportive living etc. Call your local senior services phone number, or check online. Find out what various resources or agencies she qualifies for, and get her hooked up.
I did a quick search since your location is listed...Here is just one website, there were many more, I searched using the terms --Lilington N.C. senior services
Last edited by JanND; 11-04-2012 at 07:18 AM..
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Thanks for the replies & yes I do care about my mom she is all the family I got left. At 67 she is a tough old bird last heart attack she had she drove herself to the hospital! I can't put her in a nursing home or a condo for seniors she would rather die a quick death. She lives on 2 acres & would never give it up & I can't ask her too. She loves her garden & her freedom & she still gets around very good for her age most her age are in a wheelchair, etc. She does have problems doing other things though around here & thats where I come in. She does have friends that live near her & she goes to church which is one issue that she needs to drop seeing that we have VERY oppersite belifes. In the end she understand I'm going to do what I want I always have & will. It's just making her understand that I want someone in my life again.
Reed, I understand that you love your mother and she has heart problems, but to say "most her age are in a wheelchair" is quite mistaken. You say she's 67. If so, Mick Jagger is two years OLDER than your mother.
As someone who has an 86 year old living with me, I would like to counsel you that many elders are not above engaging in rather extreme emotional blackmail to get their nearest and dearest to take all responsibility for their welfare once they get scared of living alone and/or are unable to take care of their property. It's really not fair of them to set down immutable laws such as never giving up her two acres of land or expecting you to share her religious attitudes. If they want to be cared for, they're not in a position to dictate the terms.
You have demonstrated your love for her by moving in and caring for her when she was in a crisis. But in my opinion it should be her responsibility to plan her future care WITH YOU, not make demands OF you. I have four close friends who are dealing with elderly, often sick, mothers and all of these women take the same attitude: they want what they want and they don't care to negotiate. It simply isn't realistic. Unless and until they realize that changes HAVE TO BE MADE as a person ages, many will use (and even invent) one crisis after another to get their way. It's up to you not to fold under their demands. You're her child, not her hostage.
You have to set the boundaries. Be clear about what you want your near future to look like and sketch out a plan for your far future, too. Imagine the steps that will get you where you need to go, then figure out how your mother's most important needs can be met (and I mean needs that really are important, such a food and shelter, not ones that merely meet her emotional desires). Your mother raised a loving son and while it fits into her current plans that he also be a nurse, housekeeper, gardener, and chauffeur, that is not in your best interest. And it inevitably will interfere with your blossoming relationship.
Even if you're not sure your friend is THE ONE, you should place exploring the relationship as a priority or you'll miss the boat. You say your mother is all the family you have left. That's all the more reason you should be building strong relationships for your future because no matter how much you love your mother and how well you take care of her, odds are you will outlive her. You have a right to an emotional support system to lean on when she is gone.
As for the upcoming holidays, the way to deal with your mother's issues is to use the same tactics with her that mothers use with their kids. A good mother doesn't say, "When do you want to go to bed?" or "I order you to go to bed right now." A good mother says, "It's bedtime, are you ready to go now, or do you want to stay up another 15 minutes?" The kid has two choices. Endless negotiations are simply not accepted. I'd suggest you say to your mother things like, "Mary and I are going to spend time together over the holiday. [Statement of fact.] Would you rather I spent Christmas Eve with her, or Christmas Day?" On Saturdays say, "I know you want to go to church tomorrow. Do you need me to drive you or are you going with your friends? If you have a ride, I will meet Mary for brunch while you're occupied. If you need me to drive you, I will take Mary to dinner later." See, it becomes a choice between two things only. Do not allow her to stray far afield and dictate other options. One or the other. Stand your ground, be forceful and consistent. You're not ignoring her needs, only her unreasonable wishes. And that's not being mean, that's being sane.
Best of luck to you. I know it's hard ... I'm living it.
Reed... Have you tried sitting down over the dinner table and having a serious discussion with your mom ? Let he know you love her and want her happy but you have needs and desires for a life also.
A serious discussion could go a long ways. If she does not want her son happy then you need to understand she's a self centered person.
Thanks for the replies & yes I do care about my mom she is all the family I got left. At 67 she is a tough old bird last heart attack she had she drove herself to the hospital! I can't put her in a nursing home or a condo for seniors she would rather die a quick death. She lives on 2 acres & would never give it up & I can't ask her too. She loves her garden & her freedom & she still gets around very good for her age most her age are in a wheelchair, etc. She does have problems doing other things though around here & thats where I come in. She does have friends that live near her & she goes to church which is one issue that she needs to drop seeing that we have VERY oppersite belifes. In the end she understand I'm going to do what I want I always have & will. It's just making her understand that I want someone in my life again.
Is your mom really only 67 and you think most people her age are in wheelchairs? She's only 3 years older than I am and all my friends are active, go hiking, running marathons, some raising grandkids, many still going to work every single day. Both my mother in law and mother drove until past 85. My mother at 89 loves alone, my mother in law at age 100 lives alone. Both get daily help and each has limitations. But at age 67 your mother is not expected to be in a wheelchair by any standard.
I think your best bet is to try to convince her that you want a FAMILY . Even if it only a wife or girlfriend, she would be able to give you more for when you age.
She wants to be #1 in your life. As a mother, she should understand that you have needs too.
I feel for your mother, and it's wonderful that you care so much about her. But I agree with the comment about emotional blackmail. Obviously she has some health problems, and she may have to accept that the two acre property is just too much for her. We all have realities to deal with in life,and this is hers. It's not your job to stay with her forever so that she can continue to live in a place that isn't appropriate for her. Or the resources for helping her to stay in her home with help, if workable for her, are great suggestions.
Most 67 year olds are nowhere near in wheelchairs. I think she may be manipulating you to think of her as older than she really is. Despite having had more than one heart attack, she may well live another 20 years or more. While you, at 64, won't be elderly as you seem to believe, that is far too old to be just starting a life where you are "finally free".
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