Sibling rivalry...is it a good thing, or a bad thing? (jealous, siblings)
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He really has a lot of potential. He's taller than me, (not by much anymore..), more 'academically inclined' (he cares about school in a way I never did, and therefore gets better grades (I actually dropped out of high school...), he's a harder worker than I am (he's like always going...), reportedly better looking....
And now, he's off to college. He'll likely end up at a first tier university, whereas I ended up at a second tier university (because I was too 'lazy' to apply to the better universities...really, I didn't want to go to a school that was overly competitive even though I could have gotten in to them...I applied to two, got accepted at both, and went to the better one...).
He'll probably complete a 'better major', (I'll have a BA in Business and Philosophy, with an accounting certificate...)...where he'll probably do something like Engineering, or Mathematics...
Basically, if we were girls, I'd be the ugly sister.
It's ridiculous...I know I should be all supportive and stuff...and I am...but I'm also like "jeez...what the hell?"...why is his drive so high, whereas mine isn't?
He'll also, probably, not fall into the wrong crowd...whereas I am the wrong crowd (to most people..)...I like to live life more spontaneously...I figure that the best time to screw up in life is when you have plenty of time to redeem yourself..
It's enough to really sit down and plot ways in which I don't just end up a side note on the family tree...
But here's the thing, I'm not sure it's a bad thing...I mean, the motivation isn't healthy, obviously, but if the result leads to me actually giving a crap about things...then it's good for the family, right?
Just interesting to realize that this whole "sibling rivalry" thing doesn't end when we both grow up...if anything, it grows as we grow older...
Don't worry... I'm you and my sister was the high achieving one. Now that we're older, we're actually almost on the same level. One thing, you never know how life will turn out.
My sister was supposed to be the doctor, got into a real good college. And just... got overwhelmed with everything ultimately and failed out her first year. Kept getting into bad situations with people too. It took her years to even get back into school where she finally got herself a diploma. She ended up getting a dead-end job that has nothing to do with her diploma. I'm not sure if she's really content with her life or if she resigned to never being content.
Me, the wild bohemian one... went to school, worked hard, partied harder. Should've studied more, LOL... but I didn't care for that really. Ended up leaving school twice. Once to be a photographer and another to "find" myself out in the desert. I still haven't yet graduated from university, even though my (Asian) mother nags constantly about it and gets upset because I only have a few credits left. Am happy and weirdly enough, have a less "chaotic" life (emotionally) than my sister.
The family dynamic however hasn't changed... I'm still viewed as the wild irresponsible "bad" one and my sister the good responsible one, which is annoying. I don't think that's going to change.
Keep living your life the way you want and keep at it. You never know when or how the situation can tilt and you come out in the better end. It could very well be that your brother looks at you and envy for having a less pressured life.
He really has a lot of potential. He's taller than me, (not by much anymore..), more 'academically inclined' (he cares about school in a way I never did, and therefore gets better grades (I actually dropped out of high school...), he's a harder worker than I am (he's like always going...), reportedly better looking....
And now, he's off to college. He'll likely end up at a first tier university, whereas I ended up at a second tier university (because I was too 'lazy' to apply to the better universities...really, I didn't want to go to a school that was overly competitive even though I could have gotten in to them...I applied to two, got accepted at both, and went to the better one...).
He'll probably complete a 'better major', (I'll have a BA in Business and Philosophy, with an accounting certificate...)...where he'll probably do something like Engineering, or Mathematics...
Basically, if we were girls, I'd be the ugly sister.
It's ridiculous...I know I should be all supportive and stuff...and I am...but I'm also like "jeez...what the hell?"...why is his drive so high, whereas mine isn't?
He'll also, probably, not fall into the wrong crowd...whereas I am the wrong crowd (to most people..)...I like to live life more spontaneously...I figure that the best time to screw up in life is when you have plenty of time to redeem yourself..
It's enough to really sit down and plot ways in which I don't just end up a side note on the family tree...
But here's the thing, I'm not sure it's a bad thing...I mean, the motivation isn't healthy, obviously, but if the result leads to me actually giving a crap about things...then it's good for the family, right?
Just interesting to realize that this whole "sibling rivalry" thing doesn't end when we both grow up...if anything, it grows as we grow older...
Can anyone relate?
No I can't relate.
When someone is truly mature there is no "sibling rivalry". There is acceptance of our siblings as adults, no matter their failings or accomplishments. It sounds like you were your own worst enemy, and now are wondering why you were not as motivated and accomplished as your brother. It was probably your
"liking to live life more spontaneously." Too bad he was not your older brother, so that you had a role model to live up to. Maybe you were the role model that he did not want to emulate, you were his motivation to achieve.
You sound like you are still young, get out of the wrong crowd, keep working to get a good job, work hard, volunteer and help others-- then you will not be a dead branch on your family tree.
He really has a lot of potential. He's taller than me, (not by much anymore..), more 'academically inclined' (he cares about school in a way I never did, and therefore gets better grades (I actually dropped out of high school...), he's a harder worker than I am (he's like always going...), reportedly better looking....
And now, he's off to college. He'll likely end up at a first tier university, whereas I ended up at a second tier university (because I was too 'lazy' to apply to the better universities...really, I didn't want to go to a school that was overly competitive even though I could have gotten in to them...I applied to two, got accepted at both, and went to the better one...).
He'll probably complete a 'better major', (I'll have a BA in Business and Philosophy, with an accounting certificate...)...where he'll probably do something like Engineering, or Mathematics...
Basically, if we were girls, I'd be the ugly sister.
It's ridiculous...I know I should be all supportive and stuff...and I am...but I'm also like "jeez...what the hell?"...why is his drive so high, whereas mine isn't?
He'll also, probably, not fall into the wrong crowd...whereas I am the wrong crowd (to most people..)...I like to live life more spontaneously...I figure that the best time to screw up in life is when you have plenty of time to redeem yourself..
It's enough to really sit down and plot ways in which I don't just end up a side note on the family tree...
But here's the thing, I'm not sure it's a bad thing...I mean, the motivation isn't healthy, obviously, but if the result leads to me actually giving a crap about things...then it's good for the family, right?
Just interesting to realize that this whole "sibling rivalry" thing doesn't end when we both grow up...if anything, it grows as we grow older...
Can anyone relate?
Your being weak and defeatist - Your Sibling has made you feel like a failure, you have given up before trying - What seems like 'academically inclined' is probably just working much harder than you.
Keep living your life the way you want and keep at it. You never know when or how the situation can tilt and you come out in the better end.
I doubt it tho. Why is it when there is the underachieving one or the one that isn't as smart or pretty they just assume that the universe will kick the other guy in the groin and the black sheep gets an opportunity to perform. That type of thinking manifests itself into blaming the other sibling for ones own ills, as if their intelligence somehow detracts yours.
That's when sibling rivalry becomes an issue.
To the OP: Your original post is remarkably clear-minded and insightful. However, my answer to the question in the thead title is that sibling rivalry is more bad than good. It tends to lead to jealousy, resentment, and ill-feeling of various kinds, as well as to problematic relationships among siblings.
While I can agree with the poster who said that among truly mature people there would be no such thing as sibling rivalry, I also think that idea sets an impossibly high standard for most people. Many of us grew up in households where our parents encouraged sibling rivalry (whether consciously or not) by favoritism, by seeking allies among their children in their battles with each other, and by various other means. And this parental behavior doesn't usually stop when the children turn 18, or 21, or any other magical age. Therefore, in dysfunctional families there is a sort of enmeshment of everybody's emotional field with everybody's else's emotional field. This limits the autonomy of each family member to have a separate relationship with every other family member.
Comparing ourselves to others - whether it be siblings, cousins, neighbors, friends, or colleagues - is not terribly likely to give good, positive results, although it might give good results if one is looking to learn from other people's strategies and experiences. Thus the comparisons can be conducted on either a rational or an emotional basis. The more rational we can make them, the better off we are.
I doubt it tho. Why is it when there is the underachieving one or the one that isn't as smart or pretty they just assume that the universe will kick the other guy in the groin and the black sheep gets an opportunity to perform. That type of thinking manifests itself into blaming the other sibling for ones own ills, as if their intelligence somehow detracts yours.
That's when sibling rivalry becomes an issue.
I had not thought about it in those terms. I was thinking more along the lines, just live the life the way you want on your terms (because that's where the true benefits--happiness-- come in). If one is thinking in terms you mention, that's not purely a sibling rivalry issue, that's definitely a insecurity issue. That would require one changing their mindset. In that case, sibling rivalry would be very awful if the sibling (or other family members) is purposely playing and tugging at the insecurity. Ideally, siblings should complement each other and the rivalry could bring out the best in each other... IDEALLY. Family can add much pressure and expectations but it doesn't mean the Black sheep has to believe they're complete failures because they can't toe the line nor does it mean the overachiever/smarty/pretty one is set for life.
The OP has described his brother's personality type, but not yet described their relationship.
The OP has described his brother's personality type, but not yet described their relationship.
We got along fine, he's probably the one guy who knows me best. And I admire him, though I don't let that out too often. He already gets praise from everyone else lol.
We got along fine, he's probably the one guy who knows me best. And I admire him, though I don't let that out too often. He already gets praise from everyone else lol.
So what?
You admire him? say that! It's as simple as, "you know, I admire your accomplishments/your drive." Releasing that encouragement opens yourself up to receive the same encouragement from others for whatever your own acccomplishments may be, (even if vocalizing your admiration is such accomplisment).
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Better late than never
).
