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So if I do something horrible to you, but not in person, is that OK?
I totally agree with Georgianbelle - you posted her picture w/o permission and had a nasty chat about how to get laid. SO not cool...you seem to know you did wrong but then go on to say you don't feel like you did anything wrong. Once you figure out what you did, you ought to apologize. Be sincere...mean it and when she says "I accept your apology but I never want to see you again", respect her wishes.
As for your friend, she needs to get over it once she realizes (I'm hoping) you've changed.
I frequently post on a forum full of all guys. Topics are mainly cars, sports and women.
About a month ago, I posted a thread on there about how I was going to hang out with a girl one night, and wanted some tips on how to hook up with her. We'll call her Sally. I posted a picture of Sally as well, which I should not have done in retrospect.
The thread went on for a few pages, and it had a lot of explicit stuff about her looks....guys being guys, etc.
We hung out, had a nice time, split the bill, and no hook up.
Anyways, today I get a message from her with a link to the thread (no idea how she found it) saying "you are an *******.
I also received a text from a mutual friend of mine and Sallys, Lisa. Lisa texted me saying, "Sally showed me that thread, and all the disgusting things that were said in there. I am so disappointed in you. You really owe her an apology, and reevaluate how you view and treat women."
So, I feel bad for making her upset. Both of them. I don't really think I did anything wrong, aside from posting her pic. I mean, the "persona" I have on the internet, is different from that in real life.
What do I do? If I apologize to both of them, I have to swallow my pride, but it might be the best thing to do. Do I try to justify my actions, saying "I never treated you poorly in person" or something? I'm bothered by it because Lisa is a really good friend of mine and one of my favorite people.
I really have no idea what to do, and feel quite ashamed and silly.
It appears that you are still more concerned about "upsetting" these women, your "pride", and how it makes YOU feel, than that you are acknowledging any of their feelings other than "upset".
You don't think it was wrong to post her picture to a bunch of people who don't know her on a public forum, then to exchange and encourage disrespectful, rude, explicitly suggestive online comments on this forum, to be read by all, about her looks, personality, behavior, and lord-knows-what-else with your apparently mutually perpetual adolescent virtual friends?? And you're concerned that you might have to swallow YOUR pride?? You really don't get why she was upset about anything other than having her picture posted online??
Believe me, buddy, her picture was the least of it.
Get a clue: it's not about you, your pride, or not treating someone poorly "in person". The notion that what happens online has no connection and is completely separate from what happens in real life is absolutely false, harmful, and disingenuous.
You hurt her. Badly. You invaded her privacy, said nasty things about her, and allowed and encouraged others - strangers - to join in, posting personal, rude, insinuating things about a woman they didn't even know, just for kicks and to give your own pride a boost. That goes far beyond just treating someone "poorly" - it's a gross invasion of privacy and betrayal of friendship, much less any closer relationship than friendship.
So man up, and acknowledge all this. Send her a letter. Apologize profusely, understand and admit that you were wrong. Major wrong, and immature, and demeaning, to someone you claim to like and respect. Write Lisa a separate letter - real letters, both of these need to be real letters, not emails or instant messages or voice mail - and tell her you are profusely sorry for hurting her friend.
Do NOT send Lisa the same letter you sent Sally, and do not copy her on Sally's letter. Do not copy Sally on Lisa's letter, either. You can tell each of them you are writing the other to apologize, but keep it at that. It's up to them if they want to compare notes. Do not expect answers to either of these letters. You owe it to these women - they do not owe you responses.
Then contact the administrators of that forum, and asked that all posts concerning Sally be deleted (including her photo). Delete your own posts, if you can. Ask those who chimed in to delete theirs as well, if possible, if the moderators or administrators don't cooperate. If none of this can be done, post a sincere apology online and take responsibility for your own bad behavior.
And get this: it doesn't matter if it's online or in real life. It's wrong.
If I were either of these women, I'd never speak to you again. I hope you learn from this experience, and will realize that women are worthy of the same respect as are men, and deserve to be treated accordingly, both online and in real life.
What I mean is when a group of guys get together, whether its in person, or online, they say silly things about each other, or about women, just to say it.
Guys do this...
Well, caveman and jerks do this.
You are letting the actions of your tool friends dictate what is acceptable behavior.
That behavior is not acceptable. But, it IS common in young men.
Looks like you will not he hooking up with that woman, or her friend, or any of her friends.
Learn your lesson here.
Don't be a tool.
Be a MAN.
You need to apologize to both women, whole-heartedly, and in the future treat all women the same way you'd like your sister, mother, grandmother, female friends and future wife to be treated.
And even my 14-year-old knows that if it's on the internet, the whole world can see it. It's time you learned that as well.
About a month ago, I posted a thread . . . I posted a picture of Sally as well
Mistake #1. You didn't even have her permission to put her picture up on the I'net, did you? I would be enraged at this alone, as my picture is no where online.
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We hung out, had a nice time, split the bill, and no hook up.
Lucky for her that she doesn't jump in the sack on the first date. Guess that's why it's called dating, so you get to know someone first.
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Anyways, today I get a message from her with a link to the thread (no idea how she found it) saying "you are an *******.
I also received a text from a mutual friend of mine and Sallys, Lisa. Lisa texted me saying, "Sally showed me that thread, and all the disgusting things that were said in there. I am so disappointed in you. You really owe her an apology, and reevaluate how you view and treat women."
GOOD, for these ladies. I'm proud of them.
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I don't really think I did anything wrong, aside from posting her pic.
You crossed the line AND hurt her.
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I mean, the "persona" I have on the internet, is different from that in real life.
You are justifying your actions to ease your guilt.
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What do I do? If I apologize to both of them, I have to swallow my pride,
Wah, wah, wah. It doesn't take a big shot to post and talk about someone else. It does, however, take balls - as it should - to apologize. I think you should go back to that site and apologize to both of those ladies, under the same user name, so everyone that partook in demeaning her has a chance to see that it wasn't so darned funny. Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing. If it were easy, everyone would do it and the world would be a better place.
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Do I try to justify my actions
Absolutely not. Justifying your actions implies that you still don't think you are in the wrong. And you are.
Badger, you need to MAN up, and I mean MAN, not guy, not kid, not dude. Be a man and take responsibility for acting like an adolescent d***head. Apologize profusely for treating Sally like a piece of meat or conquest for you to hook up with. Believe me, bud, that train has left this station never to return.
You have no idea how demeaning it is to her to have you post a photo and have total a**hole strangers making sexist, and sexual, comments about her appearance. It's like being verbally gang-raped publicly. And you set her up for that by putting the photo out there. Do you get it now??? As for Lisa, you've lost her respect and I'm sure your friendship with her is going to be changed. She doesn't know if she can trust you now. You've shown your true colors and she will always wonder what kind of crap you say (or post) about her behind her back.
I had a similar situation (although not as bad as this) when an ex put photos that he had taken w/o my knowledge on the web and then put details of our relationship and break up too. I felt so completely violated, so angry, so humiliated (even though I had done nothing wrong). Since he used a company he was working for's website to do this, I notified that company and it cost him a very lucrative contract managing their website. Have never spoken to him since. It's been 15 years now and I'm glad I never have to see him.
Oh wow...I would never forgive you for doing something like that and I'd probably report you to the moderators of the forum if there are any for posting my picture without permission. I know guys talk about women and say crude things, but seriously posting it on the internet where it will live forever is so very wrong. Apologize profusely and never bother her again when she tells you to get lost.
I frequently post on a forum full of all guys. Topics are mainly cars, sports and women.
About a month ago, I posted a thread on there about how I was going to hang out with a girl one night, and wanted some tips on how to hook up with her. We'll call her Sally. I posted a picture of Sally as well, which I should not have done in retrospect.
The thread went on for a few pages, and it had a lot of explicit stuff about her looks....guys being guys, etc.
We hung out, had a nice time, split the bill, and no hook up.
Anyways, today I get a message from her with a link to the thread (no idea how she found it) saying "you are an *******.
I also received a text from a mutual friend of mine and Sallys, Lisa. Lisa texted me saying, "Sally showed me that thread, and all the disgusting things that were said in there. I am so disappointed in you. You really owe her an apology, and reevaluate how you view and treat women."
So, I feel bad for making her upset. Both of them. I don't really think I did anything wrong, aside from posting her pic. I mean, the "persona" I have on the internet, is different from that in real life.
What do I do? If I apologize to both of them, I have to swallow my pride, but it might be the best thing to do. Do I try to justify my actions, saying "I never treated you poorly in person" or something? I'm bothered by it because Lisa is a really good friend of mine and one of my favorite people.
I really have no idea what to do, and feel quite ashamed and silly.
First of all QUIT being someone online you are NOT IN REAL LIFE that makes you an even bigger donkey AND a LIAR from the start.
Second, YOU WERE WRONG so QUIT trying to JUSTIFY YOUR ACTIONS
PRIDE????????? WHAT PRIDE?????????? That is a joke in and of itself just from what you have written.
I hope Sally and your mutual friend BOTH run from you as fast as they can.
NewHavensFinest, please delete the name of the forum you suspect from your post, otherwise those so inclined are going to go right over there to see what it's all about, compounding the problem for the innocent woman. I hope this was not your intention.
I have reported your post so the moderators will take care of it if you do not edit out that reference. They may take care of you as well, so please, get rid of the reference. Thank you.
Edited to add: NewHavensFinest has deleted the reference, very promptly - it was not intentional. Thanks, NHF!
Last edited by CraigCreek; 01-25-2013 at 11:53 AM..
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