Been asked to help my brother out of a hole (money, feel)
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Rubbing your trip to the Caribbean in their face is not the way to go...just live and let live...just say you can't help the brother..why would you offer a $1000 trip to Walmart, knowing that's not good enough for them? that sounds vindictive to me..Why waste your time antagonizing them all?
Suggest that your SIL get a job if finances are tight. It's ludicrous that you are expected to help support a SIL who chooses not to work. Many parents both work out of necessity when the wife would prefer to be home with her children.
It's a tough situation for the children, but imagine the lessons they have been absorbing up to now about entitlement!
Maggie, I could probably reduce myself to beggar and give my brother everything and it still wouldn't be good enough. If he succeed, everybody will harp on how he pulled me and himself and the world out of poverty even if it was me who saved his ass.
So by offering Wal Mart card I know he will turn it down then I can explain everybody that I was worried his family would starve and want to be sure they go to cheapest place so the gift card last longer. It will make it look like if I am giving what I can and wait until I start work again to really help him out.
That way if they say I didn't help I could say I wasn't working but I still make effort and since I know he cannot manage his money well, I want some saying in how he spend it.
They may not like it but at least they can't exactly deny I try. I can always say I just need to get a job then I can help him.
Since he will turn it down, I can always say "oh he turned down my offer, so I'm not going to help anymore"
As for trip to Caribbean. Yes it may be bit petty, but at least it would show my family that just because I don't live like them, it doesn't mean I am suffering or can't do it.
That way if my family try to preach about how I'm living or how my brother is so great, I can say "yeah... Just remember who was crying for help while I was kicking it back in Caribbean?"
Seriously my family think people in Europe hate living there and are trying desperately to move to USA when in fact most of them wouldn't even do it. They think I live in small city because it was all I can afford and that I live in fear of government and that there's a riot with thousands death every week! Yet i love it there and feel much safer there.
They really think I go to Caribbean only if I have a job lined up there because it was only way I could even do what they did.
So by traveling to Caribbean I'm basically showing them what I'm capable of if I really want to do something. Plus next time I go somewhere else and they ask why, I can say "Caribbean is just not that fun for me"
I guess I may just do want to rub it in their face some... But also I just want to send them a firm message now. So when things blew up in my brother's face, if my family still try to praise him, I can just say "oh just remember who was stable enough to bail him out, but yet let him fall?" I really doubt they will want to touch any topic about him afterward.
Yes they may never respect me or whatever, but they at least will never forget that I could have saved him but chose to not and that his downfall was wholy responsible of someone they considers unsuccessful and lowly.
Suggest that your SIL get a job if finances are tight. It's ludicrous that you are expected to help support a SIL who chooses not to work. Many parents both work out of necessity when the wife would prefer to be home with her children.
It's a tough situation for the children, but imagine the lessons they have been absorbing up to now about entitlement!
I totally agree! I have absolutely no love for her! I don't like her one bit!
Like as I say... Status and way people look at them are extremely important to them. So that's why she don't work. They want to send message that my brother is wealthy and successful enough to point where she don't even need to get her hands dirty.
Needless to say it was amusing to see her style change over the year as their finical situation get worse.
But I do really feel sorry for the kids. I know they probably are going to be some really screwed up people in the future. But... There's not much I can do.
If your gut is telling you "NO" then listen and decline. Sounds like the whole situation is going to cause more bad feelings. I wouldn't give my retirement savings to anyone regardless of family or anything else.
Best of luck to you.
-izzy
From reading your posts you keep feeding into this "drama" and are vindictive person. If you want to show you have contributed to helping out family post the Wal Mart card to your brother with a letter that you want to make sure that your nieces and nephews are fed and clothed. Wish him the best and let it go.
That way you have provided something to help. I think you then need to take the break from the family and live your life by yourself.
Well even if I offer him my condo, it wouldn't do much good. I don't even really considers it my home. Just more as a place to drop by and relax for a bit before head out again. It is a very small one bedroom condo. My brother have a wife who I think is a major gold digger and two kids. Plus they live in USA and my condos are in Europe.
I have tried to explain my family that I may don't live American Dream lifestyle but I'm far more than content. For example, I spent most of this winter skiing in the Alps and teaching skiing to make bit extra money.
My mom's reaction? I could be using that time to look for a better job and make more money!
They are your very typical "keeping up with the Jones" family.
I have even offered them to come and see one of two countries I live in. They show no interest because it isnt in any major touristy city.
I really don't like the idea of handing my retirement saving money to my brother. If anything I will reduce my usual spending, traveling and hobby expense and may some saving money to help him out as a gift.
But I'm afraid he will need more. Have been told that he will pay me back plus some profits he made in business (a possible in future but not anywhere soon) or that my family would pay me back and all kind of thing.
I'm not sure how far they are willing to go to help my brother out. It seems like they really gave up a lot to try.
Plus when our grandfather passed away, he left large chunk of money to my sibling and me. My family end up took just bit over half of money that was suppose to be mine and hand it to my brother just because he "need it more" because he have a family! They didn't even touch my sister's money at all.
So lot of things really arent looking that good in my odds. I don't know if I will even be able to trust my family when it come to money. They seems to have this mentality that since I'm single and "throwing money away" I don't deserve a penny.
But again I never loaned money to them or even borrowed. So I don't know how it will be in the end.
I know outcome could be huge and it could do so much to gains respect from my family and possible strengthen our bonds.
But the risk seems hefty at same time.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!! Please don't give up your retirement money to him!
Wow things have got crazy. I guess my brother is in even more trouble than I though.
I think my family either have gave all they could and now realize they can no longer spend on him or they are just getting plainly tired of trying to help him out and now want someone else to take the job.
Been on and off the phone with them all day yesterday and today.
My father and uncle was even trying to fly me down there at end of the month so I can see how "bad" it is and have face to face conference with whole family. Which of course I turn down.
Yes I'm not working right now. Like as I say earlier, lot of works i do are seasonally. So I usually have few months a year where I just pretty much kick back and enjoy life.
However it certainly is a good point. I don't manage to do this by spending freely.
But I certainly can mention it.
I'm not sure if my family have low esteem. It seems like they just want to live like a millionaire at any cost. But I guess they probably do.
I'm not sure if things between us have got strained because I simply share no common interest with them. For example, as a kid while my family was always talking to me about high paying job, get excited over expensive luxury, people they considers "prestigious", and stuff like that. I'd show no interest, instead I show more interest in scuba, zoology, museum, space travel and stuff like that. Then I decided army was right for me and of course that was "low" to them.
Or if I just stop doing well in middle school while my sister and half brother were a honor roll student. So they just want me to pick it.
I was never a bad kid. I simply just don't do that great in school and show more interest in daydreaming about adventure than having my nose in the book and compete with other students and thrives in social circle. I remember one time a senator was coming to my school to give a speech. I ditched that day. When my family learn about the speech on news, they asked me about it. I wasn't able to answer any question. It was like I commit a treason lol. In fact I was even laughing when I watch them being all worked up over the fact that I missed it.
Then I graduated at 17 and wanted to go into army but my parent refuse to sign me away. They pretty much forced me into college. I got kicked out. They continue to try claim I was still in college for a few months until I got my first job as a lifeguard lol.
I think they either hope to gain something from all of this or they just want to be able to tell others about how great their family are. So that's why they are really alarmed.
Btw my SIL don't work. In fact she used to wear bunch of expensive jewelry and name brand clothes (hence why I think she's a good digger) I don't know why my brother haven't filed for bankruptcy. I guess he just cannot stand the thought of disgrace himself like that. Like as I said, the way others look at them is extremely important to them. They will do anything they could just to impress others.
Lot of my family have that sort of mentality but my brother pushed it beyond their wildest dream until he got fired and thrown in jail.
Unfortunately yes... They are that shallow. I'm just happy I didn't end up like that.
I think what I will do is, I will offer a finance management book and $1000 gift card to Wal Mart since my brother hate that store with passion. I'd just tell him he can use it for foods and office supplements (he wouldn't set a foot in there)
Since I'm sure he will say no, I will just tell them that it doesn't matters becuse despite of the fact I have two places, am able to live the way I do and work only half as much as them, nothing I did is even good enough. So I will just tell them I'm going to use that $1000 to travel to Caribbean (their favorite vacation spot) for a week and will send them a nice post card.
I hope to head to Caribbean in about two weeks as a way to wrap up skiing season and enjoy the beach and relax before I head back home to recoup before I start working again.
Petty? May but at least it will show them that I tried help in my own term but of course it isn't good enough for them. Plus it would show them that even if I have less than them, I'm in better position than them with much less resources.
I would think that being in prison is much more of a disgrace than declaring bankruptcy!
I have to agree with back2m and maggiez. It seems like your issue is more about proving your success to your family than helping out your brother and you want to use your brother's hardship to do just that.
If you're going to help him out, help him out because you truly want to, not because you have something to prove to your family. Cause guess what? You'll be trying to prove yourself for the rest of your life and that is way too much energy to expend on trying to change other people's opinions of you. You can spend that energy on yourself and make yourself even happier. You're happy with how you live your life, then that should be enough for you. Helping your brother out isn't going to change their opinion of you or get their approval.
Also, if they're asking you to help out, then they must think you're already successful to a degree, right? Otherwise, I would think they wouldn't ask you. They may not have expressed it verbally and they probably won't, but they may think it.
I get that you're angry because of the way they treated you. I'm the black sheep of my family too, but there comes a point where you gotta let some things go and accept that things will never change.
Ok I'm off my soapbox. For the record, I agree with the other posters, too. I wouldn't help him out. He needs to put on his big boy drawls, man up and dig himself out of his own hole.
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