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We are the paternal grandparents and we have been informed that we will not be seeing our 7-month old grandson at all at Christmastime. We asked if we could see him two days after Christmas on Saturday, 12/27. But we were told it will be too inconvenient. Besides we were informed that his Mother wants his First Christmas to be special. So, I guess that leaves us out the picture. Of course, we are heartbroken, but we respect their decision and have resigned ourselves to not sharing in his first Christmas.
There is no bad blood between us and them. It's just that they have no time for us period. The parents are both very young (22 & 21) and they are living with her family due to financial constraints. Of course, the maternal grandparents get tons of quality time with him. They bathe him, feed him, play with him, cuddle with him, go camping with him as a family, etc. We, on the other hand, get none of this. They live about 80 miles (1.5 hour) drive from us. Our visits with him consist of us driving to the maternal grandparents house, waiting for them to get the baby ready, following them to a local restaurant, we have lunch (which we always pay for) and we get to look at our Grandson sitting across the table at a restaurant. No cuddling, no playing, no quality time... just look at him across the table. Many times we make an appointment to come up for lunch and at the last minute we get a call that it needs to be re-scheduled because of some event that they are attending with the maternal grandparents.
I am totally dismayed by our son. We always did things with him as a family: Camping, snowmobiling, professional football games, profession basketball games, professional baseball games, vacations, trip to Disneyworld, family re-unions, etc. Yet, the only time we hear from him is if he needs or wants something, like for us to co-sign for a car loan, etc. We never get contacted about the baby, like he's cutting his first tooth, he's learning to crawl, etc. or even to just say hi. The only pictures we get are from the maternal grandmother who has us on her distribution list. In fact, the last time we visited in November our son gave us a picture of our grandson sitting on Santa's lap. I was going to scan it and use it in our Christmas letter. Well after lunch our son informed us that we had to give the picture back because it was the last copy and our grandson’s mother wanted to give it to her friend. I gave it back and ask our son to have it scanned and to e-mail a copy to us. He promised to do so and never did
When the birth announcement was printed in the paper, we were listed as grandparents. But, we are grandparents in name only. We come after the aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. I received an e-mail from the maternal grandmother wishing us a happy holiday and that she hoped she would see us in the new year, meaning don't think of coming up for a visit until after New Years. And our son is not willing to come down for a visit because it is too inconvenient. By the way, both parents are on vacation from 12/24 to 1/5, so in those 12 days they don't have time to give us one day. This will be the very first time that we will not see our son at all during the Christmas holiday season. We only have the one son. No other children or grandchildren.
I know someday that he will probably regret these decisions. Sadly, it will probably be too late, as it will hit him when he is staring down at us in our coffins, with tears in this eyes
But, we will go on with our lives and hope and pray that someday will we be given the opportunity to have a close, warm and loving relationship with our grandson.
However, I am torn as what to do with all the gifts that we bought for him and his parents. I have removed them from under the tree and moved them to a spare bedroom because I can't bear to look at them. Many of the gifts were bought at local stores and I can return them for a refund. Some were bought special over the internet and can't easily be returned. I'm thinking that they could be sold on e-bay. The rest I can donate to needy families
I don't want to not acknowledge his first Christmas in some way. So, what I am thinking is that I would take all of the money that was spent on him and his parents and start a savings account for him.
Given the circumstances, is this a good alternative?
I am so sorry that you are going thru this. If you take your son and his wife's presents back, keep those for the baby. Date them and one day when he's there or you get to see him, take them to him. Right now, Christmas is not gonna mean a lot to him, but he'll love the presents when he does get them. If nothing else, mail them to him and forget the parents.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
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It's hard to believe there isn't something going on that causes a strain between you with all these details. It's none of my business and I'm not asking for them. I just want to say that if there is, this will never end until one is big enough to first recognize it, then confront it head on.
Other than that, why wouldn't you still send the presents? If you bought them out of love--and I'm sure you did--why not give them in that spirit? Anything else would look like conditional love. Besides, it might wake your son up if that's what this situation needs. Otherwise, I'd have a talk with him about it. In the meantime, I'd send those gifts.
Location: Everybody is going to hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for-B Marley
9,516 posts, read 20,009,486 times
Reputation: 9418
Quote:
Originally Posted by vinca
The parents are both very young (22 & 21) and they are living with her family due to financial constraints.......By the way, both parents are on vacation from 12/24 to 1/5,
Doesn't that seem rather strange--having financial problems but going on vacation?
Quote:
last time we visited in November our son gave us a picture of our grandson sitting on Santa's lap. I was going to scan it and use it in our Christmas letter. Well after lunch our son informed us that we had to give the picture back because it was the last copy and our grandson’s mother wanted to give it to her friend.
I'd have said let's make a quick stop at Fedex or something and scan it real quick first.
There really isn't any bad blood. It's just that they don't have time for us. Everything revolves around the maternal grandparents. I honestly think our son was embarassed to take back the picture with Santa and to tell us that they wouldn't be coming at all during the Christmas season. Remember they are living at her parent's house, so in some ways he is forced to go along with whatever they decide. Otherwise, he might find himself on the outside looking in.
i think you deserve to see the kid and they should be a bit accomodating. its unbeleivable that they are unable to find time with the vacation period they have. thats just fishy. i think you should tell your son that you are hurt. be honest. let them know that you were really looking forward to this, the same way you were lookin forward to spending your first cristmas with him when he was a child. except this is more important because you want to share the 1st cristmas with your grandchild, but also celebrate the first cristmas with your son as a father. its that special. if he does not understand then there is little you can do. you cant force anyone to accept your role as g-parents. it will happen or it wont. hopefully it happens before anything serious occurs.
We are the paternal grandparents and we have been informed that we will not be seeing our 7-month old grandson at all at Christmastime. We asked if we could see him two days after Christmas on Saturday, 12/27. But we were told it will be too inconvenient. Besides we were informed that his Mother wants his First Christmas to be special. So, I guess that leaves us out the picture. Of course, we are heartbroken, but we respect their decision and have resigned ourselves to not sharing in his first Christmas.
There is no bad blood between us and them. It's just that they have no time for us period. The parents are both very young (22 & 21) and they are living with her family due to financial constraints. Of course, the maternal grandparents get tons of quality time with him. They bathe him, feed him, play with him, cuddle with him, go camping with him as a family, etc. We, on the other hand, get none of this. They live about 80 miles (1.5 hour) drive from us. Our visits with him consist of us driving to the maternal grandparents house, waiting for them to get the baby ready, following them to a local restaurant, we have lunch (which we always pay for) and we get to look at our Grandson sitting across the table at a restaurant. No cuddling, no playing, no quality time... just look at him across the table. Many times we make an appointment to come up for lunch and at the last minute we get a call that it needs to be re-scheduled because of some event that they are attending with the maternal grandparents.
I am totally dismayed by our son. We always did things with him as a family: Camping, snowmobiling, professional football games, profession basketball games, professional baseball games, vacations, trip to Disneyworld, family re-unions, etc. Yet, the only time we hear from him is if he needs or wants something, like for us to co-sign for a car loan, etc. We never get contacted about the baby, like he's cutting his first tooth, he's learning to crawl, etc. or even to just say hi. The only pictures we get are from the maternal grandmother who has us on her distribution list. In fact, the last time we visited in November our son gave us a picture of our grandson sitting on Santa's lap. I was going to scan it and use it in our Christmas letter. Well after lunch our son informed us that we had to give the picture back because it was the last copy and our grandson’s mother wanted to give it to her friend. I gave it back and ask our son to have it scanned and to e-mail a copy to us. He promised to do so and never did
When the birth announcement was printed in the paper, we were listed as grandparents. But, we are grandparents in name only. We come after the aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. I received an e-mail from the maternal grandmother wishing us a happy holiday and that she hoped she would see us in the new year, meaning don't think of coming up for a visit until after New Years. And our son is not willing to come down for a visit because it is too inconvenient. By the way, both parents are on vacation from 12/24 to 1/5, so in those 12 days they don't have time to give us one day. This will be the very first time that we will not see our son at all during the Christmas holiday season. We only have the one son. No other children or grandchildren.
I know someday that he will probably regret these decisions. Sadly, it will probably be too late, as it will hit him when he is staring down at us in our coffins, with tears in this eyes
But, we will go on with our lives and hope and pray that someday will we be given the opportunity to have a close, warm and loving relationship with our grandson.
However, I am torn as what to do with all the gifts that we bought for him and his parents. I have removed them from under the tree and moved them to a spare bedroom because I can't bear to look at them. Many of the gifts were bought at local stores and I can return them for a refund. Some were bought special over the internet and can't easily be returned. I'm thinking that they could be sold on e-bay. The rest I can donate to needy families
I don't want to not acknowledge his first Christmas in some way. So, what I am thinking is that I would take all of the money that was spent on him and his parents and start a savings account for him.
Given the circumstances, is this a good alternative?
I am so sorry you are going through this. I have to say that I would not be cosigning for loans, etc. if my kids treated me like this. They are using you and you are getting nothing, but heartache in return.
Perhaps you could suggest to the parents that your gift to them is a weekend escape for them to have some alone time and that you'll babysit the grandson while they're away. This would give the other grandparents a break as well. I know someone who did this each time she wanted to see her grandchild and it actually worked. She paid for the weekend package at a really nice hotel for the couple and she got a weekend with her grandchild. If they go for it you could do it for Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, their anniversary, etc. Best wishes and I truly hope this situation improves.
Have you asked your son why he is de facto shunning you as grandparents of his child? He is a young father - maybe he doesn't even know what this means to you, him, and/or the grandchild. Once you share with him what your expectations as grandparents are, it will be on him to agree with or counter your expectations. Not knowing would be more difficult than anything. Once he is aware of your feelings he will need to decide to change how they have been dealing with visitation/holiday planning, or explain himself if he doesn't see a need in including you in his child's life.
You mentioned that you get to see him across the table at lunch - do you ask to hold him? My mother and MIL would have knocked each other down to get a hold of my kids! You also mentioned that the other grandparents get to spend lots of time with the baby because he lives there - since you have a spare bedroom, have you considered offering it to them for a stay? Perhaps they are strapped for cash and that's the reason they can't make it to your place for Christmas - maybe offer them gas money?
Given the details of your post, it seems like there is more to this story. The behavior described seems like that of someone with a grudge (I am referring to your son and his wife). Is this possible?
I think part of the issue is that they are not married, so he could be given the boot at any time. As far as holding my grandson, I was given the opportunity to do so twice. Both times the maternal grandmother had to tell her daughter to allow me to hold the baby. I held him for about 5 minutes each time. We were invited for his Christening, which of course we attended. But, we were the only members of the paternal side invited. The rest were the maternal family and friends, so we ended up sitting in a corner and were essentially ignored the entire time. Of course, we got no quality time with him on that day either. Most of our family have never seen him, just his pictures. The one time they came for a visit (in the summer), his Mother complained the entire ride home that it is too long of a ride. We just found this out when our son told us they would not be coming during the Christmas season. However, they went camping for a week with her family during the summer (when he was just 6 weeks old) and they traveled even further to the next state. When we go to lunch with them, I try to make small talk with her and I am lucky if I can get a two-word answer. So, I think our son maybe caught between a rock and a hard place, that is why I am not pushing this issue with him. If they split up, we'll probably never see our Grandson again.
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