Paternal Grandparents get no quality time with 7-month old grandson and will not be allowed to share in his First Xmas (inlaws, grandma)
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We are the paternal grandparents and we have been informed that we will not be seeing our 7-month old grandson at all at Christmastime. We asked if we could see him two days after Christmas on Saturday, 12/27. But we were told it will be too inconvenient. Besides we were informed that his Mother wants his First Christmas to be special. So, I guess that leaves us out the picture. Of course, we are heartbroken, but we respect their decision and have resigned ourselves to not sharing in his first Christmas.
It's just that they have no time for us period. The parents are both very young (22 & 21) and they are living with her family due to financial constraints. Of course, the maternal grandparents get tons of quality time with him. They bathe him, feed him, play with him, cuddle with him, go camping with him as a family, etc. We, on the other hand, get none of this. We never get contacted about the baby, like he's cutting his first tooth, he's learning to crawl, etc. or even to just say hi.
When the birth announcement was printed in the paper, we were listed as grandparents. But, we are grandparents in name only. We come after the aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. I received an e-mail from the maternal grandmother wishing us a happy holiday and that she hoped she would see us in the new year, meaning don't think of coming up for a visit until after New Years. And our son is not willing to come down for a visit because it is too inconvenient.
We only have the one son. No other children or grandchildren.
I know someday that he will probably regret these decisions. Sadly, it will probably be too late, as it will hit him when he is staring down at us in our coffins, with tears in this eyes
But, we will go on with our lives and hope and pray that someday will we be given the opportunity to have a close, warm and loving relationship with our grandson.
have removed them from under the tree and moved them to a spare bedroom because I can't bear to look at them. Many of the gifts were bought at local stores and I can return them for a refund. Some were bought special over the internet and can't easily be returned. I'm thinking that they could be sold on e-bay. The rest I can donate to needy families
But, we were the only members of the paternal side invited. The rest were the maternal family and friends, so we ended up sitting in a corner and were essentially ignored the entire time. Of course, we got no quality time with him on that day either.
If they split up, we'll probably never see our Grandson again.
We tried to explain to our son about budgeting and priorities, but I think he still spends money on non-essentials and then he can't afford the important things. I don't know if she is better with managing money. Maybe not.
Given their financial situation you would think they would want our involvement even more. Everytime we went to visit the baby, we would bring him gifts of clothes and toys.
If they wanted to move out and asked for our help, we would certainly do that.They talked about getting their own place and the first thing I asked is what do you need.
So, we could help them set up housekeeping with furniture, appliances, linens, pots & pans, dishes, etc. We would be happy to help out that way.
My husband and I have discussed selling our house and buying a house closer to them, so that we could see our grandson more frequently.
Not trying to attack here, not at all...but do you think you might be a bit smothering and "woe is me"?
That can come across kind of obnoxious.
This girlfriend of his may be a snot - but maybe you need to approach this in a whole different way.
Moving the presents, returning them, buying a new house, sitting alone at the baby's christening, its all very dramatic.
No drama... I just did not know the best way to handle this... That's why I post here, I was just looking for some advice... none of this has been brought up to our son... Tomorrow morning I'm going to send the gifts to our grandson via UPS... case closed... We're not just going to show up on their doorstep on Christmas... We're not going to take them to court or fight for grandparents rights... As I said in another post, it's time to move on...
I wouldn't worry about a "First Christmas" so much, it just a holiday and frankly the kid wont recall a second of it, its more for you this milestone. Concentrate more on the Christmases to come, and all the days in between, the bond with this child is not about one day, you have a lifetime to be Grandma and Grandpa....I hope things work out with the extended families....
I know our grandson won't remember his First Christmas. Although, he may wonder why there are no pictures of him and his paternal grandparents at his First Christmas.
We have a family tradition of setting up the video camera on a tripod and taping the opening of presents at Christmas. Someday, our grandson may enjoy watching his father open his Christmas presents when he was just a young boy.
Once again, our grandson may wonder why we don't have a video tape of him and his father and mother opening Christmas presents during the 2008 Christmas season. My husband and I will still record our Christmas gift opening. But, they'll be nothing for our son or our grandson. Oh, well...
Going forward, we will send a small gift for each special occasion. The rest of the money that would have been spent will be deposited in a savings account for him, that he will have access to when he is an adult.
Also, you never know what going to happen. So, I'm going to contact a lawyer to make certain that if my husband and I both die that our assets will be liquidated and placed in a trust fund for grandson that he will get access to once he turns 30. I just don't want this inconsiderate, selfish girl and her parents to be able to get their hands on any of our assets. I feel bad that we have to bypass our son, but given this situation I am concerned that she and her parents would try to take everything from him should we both die young.
I do realize that this situation does not look good for the future. I think our son will eventually get the boot and he will have to fight for his parental rights. If the adults in this situation would just behave like adults, then this would be a non-issue. What is in the best interests of the baby? I feel like he is being used like a pawn in this situation and I don't like it one bit. That's why I'm throwing in the towel on this fight. We will not see our grandson on his First Christmas. Who knows when we will get to see him again. Until our son decides that he will not stand by and allow his family to be excluded from his son's life, we will need to continue our lives without contact with our son and his family. I know someday he will come to his senses and he will apologize for what has happened.
Patience is a virtue for a reason. I think myself you are taking the right approach and be prepared to help your son get rights to his child when that time comes.
I believe it's a form of emotional abuse going on when some one is "afraid", "uncomfortable" or whatever with seeing his/her own family. I think your son is in a bad situation right now, obviously it's not a healthy relationship but you can't do much about it -- but wait.
I don't get it. The best thing for all of you would be if your son gets the boot. Unless your son has serious legal issues he should be guaranteed time with his child.
Something about this whole story is sounding very peculiar.
No drama... I just did not know the best way to handle this... That's why I post here, I was just looking for some advice... none of this has been brought up to our son... Tomorrow morning I'm going to send the gifts to our grandson via UPS... case closed... We're not just going to show up on their doorstep on Christmas... We're not going to take them to court or fight for grandparents rights... As I said in another post, it's time to move on...
You had me until this post and the other one about breaking off contact with your son. As a parent, you don't just do that to your child because they do something you do not like. If none of this has been brought up to your son, maybe he doesn't really understand how you feel. Young adults aren't typically known for their responsibility and empathy for others. You also have to remember that babies are a huge responsibility and not an easy one. They are probably just now starting to sleep at night and if they both work I would imagine they are very tired. Now, I'm not saying that their behavior towards you is right, but it's only been 7 months and it seems a little hasty to write them off just yet. Also, speaking as a mother myself, you can't impose your traditions on them. They are their own family unit right now, regardless of if they are living with her parents or not. I realize that we all have different personalities, but if I were a grandmother I would do whatever I could to maintain a relationship with my child and grandchild regardless of what I thought someone was thinking about me. I would be the one to show up and ring the doorbell with a smile. I would be the one to send lots of presents because presents are not about us or our feelings, but about the person that we are giving them too. Please don't forget that the baby is an innocent party in this and deserves to remain a part of your life no matter what hoops you have to jump through to have it be so. And I'm not trying to be harsh here, but if you are not willing to jump through hoops then you also share a part of a blame. I really do hope that this works out for you.
We not going to write off our son... But, we are going to back off and stop trying to be part of our grandson's first Christmas... The time has come to give up this battle... Right or wrong, it is up to our grandson's parents to decided who he spends time with, who gets to participate in his first Christmas, etc. They are his parents and if they choose to exclude us, then we need to accept that decision and move on.
The problem was supposedly the long ride (80 miles / 1.5 hours). Well, we came up with a solution, a suite in a local hotel that is less than 3 miles / 5 minutes away. Since this was not an acceptable solution, then the long ride was not the issue. The reason that we are not being included, is that they don't want us to be included.
I shipped the Christmas gifts for our grandson this morning. With a little luck, UPS will deliver them tomorrow. I just called our son's cell phone, left him a voicemail message and told him the gifts are on their way. I wished him, his girlfriend and our grandson a Merry Christmas.
So, I'm not writing them off. What I am doing is respecting their decision. If they choose to include us in future events, we will most certainly attend. If they choose not to, then we will still send a small gift to our grandson and the rest of the money that would have been spent will be put into a saving account for him. Someday, when it comes time to pay for college, that money that we set aside will be very appreciated.
However, I am torn as what to do with all the gifts that we bought for him and his parents. I have removed them from under the tree and moved them to a spare bedroom because I can't bear to look at them. Many of the gifts were bought at local stores and I can return them for a refund. Some were bought special over the internet and can't easily be returned. I'm thinking that they could be sold on e-bay. The rest I can donate to needy families
I don't want to not acknowledge his first Christmas in some way. So, what I am thinking is that I would take all of the money that was spent on him and his parents and start a savings account for him.
Given the circumstances, is this a good alternative?
This is one of the instances where you have to play the hand that has been delt you. You have no choice in the matter but to make the best of a bad situation. Perhaps when your son and daughter in law grow up enough to move out of her parents' house then you will be able to spend more time with your grandson.
Until that time, you have little choice but to grin and bear it. If it were me, I'd just "drop in" over at their house "sometime" around Xmas and drop of a few of the presents. Keep the ones that will be useable as the kid gets older and return the ones that you can that he will outgrow soon. The ones that you keep you can give to him here and there, throughout the year, teaching him that presents are not JUST for birthdays and Xmas, but just because you LOVE him.
Your son's wife sounds a little selfish and frankly, between that - their ages, having a child so young, and living with her parents, it doesn't sound like they have much of a chance staying together. Try to keep on everyone's good side here so that if/when they might split up (not trying to be negative here, but statistics don't lie), then you might stand a chance at having some time with your grandbaby.
If I were you, I'd just send them a note telling them that you've started an acct for the baby. I don't think I'd keep them in the know as to the balances.
When you open an account for your grandson make sure you open it in (your name) 'for the benefit of' (grandchilds name). If you open it in the grandchilds name only your son and his girlfriend may be able to make withdrawls on the account.
I have done the same with my grandson, I wasnt getting to see him much before we moved and there is no chance to see him now we are 3,000 miles away. I do get to see photos of him on her myspace page however I have noticed there are photos of him with his other grandparents and family and friends but none of myself with him.
I have set up a savings account for him so at least when he turns 21 he'll have a nest egg. I may not be present in my grandsons life but I will send cards and gifts so he will always know hes has a g'ma and I'm sure when he turns 21 he will know I was always thinking of him.
Vinca ... there is still time I would make 1 more call to your son about the Christmas arrangements maybe persistence will pay off.
Jan
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