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By letting him get away with it, you're enabling him.
He could have an addiction other than drugs that is causing him to steal...maybe gambling?
Whatever's wrong with him, you need to let your sister know about the theft. Tell her you're not pressing charges, asking for repayment, etc. but that she needs to know what's going on because if he's stealing from his aunt and grandmother, chances are he's stealing from other people and it is going to catch up with him.
The testing could be giving a false sense of security. There are drugs that the tests do not detect, and there are many ways to cheat the test. I guarantee you that someone who will steal their grandmother's wedding ring will have no trouble cheating a test.
Even if he is "only" abusing pot and alcohol, that is plenty to ruin one's life. I've been watching it with my sister for 25 years.
You are seeking help, but even you are in denial about the situation. No family vacation or girls' weekend is worth more than his future, and quite possibly the future of the people he will hurt along the way if everyone continues to pretend that it's not as bad as it is.
Wanted to post the same exact thing. Drug tests can be cheated. This sounds EXACTLY like my nephew. He stole so much jewelry from his family. And yeah, he just "smoked pot". Turns out he had moved onto harder stuff and no one was the wiser. He is quite the charmer.
Based upon what you've written, I doubt that the kid is truly a sociopath. He does display elements of an addict though. He doesn't have to be addicted to have those characteristics. He lies, he steals, he only cares about himself and his next high. Those are all things an addict does. It's also pretty likely he's depressed given the build up of failures in his life. Those things go hand in hand.
Sometimes the best way to love is the toughest. That is what this kid needs now--a little tough love. People have talked to him repeatedly with no impact. His parents, and his father seems willing to do so, need to be prepared to kick him out of the house. They are enabling him at this point. They need to stop supporting him and lay down some boundaries/rules for him if he wants to continue to live at home. Among those rules would be a demand that he pay monthly rent to them for room and board. (Money is not the issue. The concern here is that he become self-supporting). No rent and he is evicted. The second rule would be that he start attending AA meetings. He may or may not be addicted to something. There are meetings for those that are not ready to quit their addiction that can be useful. Third rule--no moving in and out of the house. If he moves out again in angry, he needs to understand he cannot move back in. Fourth rule--he writes out a plan to pay for the stolen items and pay his parents back for any loaned funds.
This will all be tough on your sister. No one wants to kick their kid out, but being a parent sometimes means we do tough things. Your sister might also think about attending Al-Anon meetings. It could help her see his behavior in a new light and help her do the tough things she needs to do.
I was smart, but I didn't care about anything or anyone. Everything was always handed to me.
When I was in HS I skipped class constantly. I barely graduated. I started drinking & smoking pot.
I got a DUI, Daddy got me out of it.
I didn't go to college because I didn't like school, so Daddy got me a job. I lived at home mooching off my parents for years.
Then I got another DUI. My mom was over it. Dad left me in jail and then when I got home he took away my car and made me leave. He knew I had friends.
I slept on people's couches and in their spare bedrooms for about a year before I finally woke up and said What am I doing?
You need to tell your sister, now, before they go on vacation. She needs to kick him out before they go, and change the locks on all the doors, your included, and your mother's.
Prosecute him for stealing. He is already getting away with DUIs and pot-smoking, when does he learn?
It's way past time for him to grow up. You said he's smart. Let's hope so.
Here's what I would do. I'd go to the gold shop and if they will, get pics of the things he took in for money. Get documentation. Put in a large envelope addressed to his dad, a letter explaining what happened along with instructions and another letter enclosed addressed to Jack to be opened in front of his dad. You are giving him the opportunity to pay you back and an agreement that he never comes to your house again. There is no easy way regardless. I have a good friend whose kid did the same thing. He was on coke but nobody ever suspected it. Dad was a retired General USAF so they were not poor and not trash. The son has been in and out of rehab about as many times as some folks change undies. He's now in the news media up north on his 6th wife. Like Jack, a real charmer and great guy, just never let him in your house and don't ever borrow his car. His dad found out the hard way about borrowing his car when dad got pulled over for a license check only to have the cop see drug stuff in the car. That didn't go over very well. Ignoring this only enables Jack to do more of the same to others. I'd git it done pretty quick.
He has no problem smiling to you when talking about what he got from that gold place, even though he was blatantly stealing from you and your mother. That indicates a very base character; he definitely is a sociopath, most people cannot handle a sociopath. You definitely need to make him account for it. Would be better to do it through the laws and courts, since your emotions are all tangled up in it.
Don't think just because his other grandmother is sick that he wouldn't steal from her as well... Which you need to warn the kid's father on.
He's spending money on something, the most likely candidates are drugs or gambling. Stealing his grandmother's wedding band goes above and beyond being a bit lost. Enabling him is far worse in the long run than any other course of action. Everyone has been tip-toeing around, and things are getting worse. Unless you want to see him dead file a police report, speak to him, and speak to your sister ASAP.
The testing could be giving a false sense of security. There are drugs that the tests do not detect, and there are many ways to cheat the test. I guarantee you that someone who will steal their grandmother's wedding ring will have no trouble cheating a test.
Even if he is "only" abusing pot and alcohol, that is plenty to ruin one's life. I've been watching it with my sister for 25 years.
You are seeking help, but even you are in denial about the situation. No family vacation or girls' weekend is worth more than his future, and quite possibly the future of the people he will hurt along the way if everyone continues to pretend that it's not as bad as it is.
No, I'm not in denial, I assure you. Not at all. I'm just trying to spare my sister and her husband further pain, but I know that I have to tell them. That isn't even a question...it's just WHEN.
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Kick him out.
