What is the rationale for people who keep all their friends separate? (spouse, father)

[kab0906]

I can tell you why - an autoimmune disorder like hers is *very* taxing on the body. I, too, have an autoimmune disorder and when I was not well medicated the idea of a large party, or a long night out, terrified me. She is trying to keep your relationship 1 on 1 because it's all she can handle at the moment - and that's from personal experience. If you spring extra people on her you might as well be punching her in the stomach - and no, that's not an exaggeration - it's really difficult to handle the stress.

is now on SS Disability with fibromyalgia and/or a raft of mysterious and never-ending alments

This sentence of yours suggests you don't fully understand her struggle. Believe me, she is suffering every day but she is trying to make the effort to keep your friendship. I hope you can take a moment and appreciate her position and then realize that it's far harder on her to just have a night out than it is for you to not include a few more people.

[hvl]

I have many interests that aren't usually found in the same person.

I have friends I met at work. Friends who are older than I am. Friends who are younger than I am.
Music friends. Friends of my gf. Friends I can get into serious philosophical conversations with. Friends I can only chat about banal stuff with.

I have friends who from one sphere of interest can't understand or relate to some of my other interests. I have no choice but to hang out 1 on 1.
Having a group of friends sounds great but I'm just a bit too odd for that.

[pamela71]

Some people are guarded , dishonest, and secretive. They are a different person with each friend. They cannot be sincere. This is a character flaw. These people are empty and probably looking to fill their needs instead of offering sincere friendship. Each friend is in a different need group.

[Hopes]

Originally Posted by tjarado

I welcome any insights or opinions to help me understand:
Why do some people choose friendship 'singularities' over groups of three or four?
..and why do they segregate their friends, talking about people who they will never introduce to you and whom you will never get to know - at least thru them?

I don't know if this provides insight since the three of you know each other. My daughter has a friend like this. She keeps all of her friends segregated and never introduces them to each other. It seems she's insecure that they will like each other better and later exclude her. My daughter suspects that she tells elaborate lies about herself and she fears two friends meeting would result in their discovering her lies. She also talks extensively about her friends, and probably fears they'll find out what she says about them if they meet other friends.

That doesn't apply to your situation because the three of you already know each other and are trying to include her in the group. Maybe your friend simply developed this lifelong habit due to having similar fears of losing friends. As for your feeling that she's restricting your ability to have different levels of social interaction, find more friends instead of relying only on these two.

[pamela71]

I am in the process of weeding out my circle of "friends". Although I prefer one on one companionship, I have made one or two large parties annually over the past 40 years. Usually I have a fall bbq for about 20 people but on occasion I have a cozy winter fireplace gathering. I realize that many of my guests have never invited me back to their homes. Many have not even returned the favor by inviting me out to dinner nor have they even bought me a drink.
So I am scaling down on entertaining people in my home. My two or three friends will always be welcome. Also, I am cutting down on being "party filler". I don't like blending in with 40 people who I rarely see except at these mass-parties.

[cpg35223]

When someone compartmentalizes like that, it means they want to be one thing to one circle friends, and something entirely different to another. Like the couple who like to go out and party hard on Saturday nights and attend church and Bible study on Sunday morning.

I read an article a few years back on the swinger community (No. Not our bag). From the article, most of the people interviewed had their "vanilla" friends and then the set of friends with whom they'd ride the baloney pony on odd weekends. And never did the twain meet.

So yeah, I could see it happening.

[Ceece]

I've been through this before and I will say that it's good to have someone, or a group of people, to turn to if things get weird with your other friends. When you have one big social group and everyone knows everyone else it CAN get tricky for you in some situations.

I thank heavens I had a couple friends of my own when I got divorced for example. My daughter brought her bf into her social circle a few years back and he's bonded with several people, including a couple close gal pals of hers that live in his apartment building. She senses they may break up soon and knows how awkward it's going to be for everyone so she is actively cultivating friendships with some people he isn't as close to. Sometimes you need a "safety zone". LOL.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by Ceece

I've been through this before and I will say that it's good to have someone, or a group of people, to turn to if things get weird with your other friends. When you have one big social group and everyone knows everyone else it CAN get tricky for you in some situations.

I thank heavens I had a couple friends of my own when I got divorced for example. My daughter brought her bf into her social circle a few years back and he's bonded with several people, including a couple close gal pals of hers that live in his apartment building. She senses they may break up soon and knows how awkward it's going to be for everyone so she is actively cultivating friendships with some people he isn't as close to. Sometimes you need a "safety zone". LOL.

That's another good reason. MrsCPG has a couple of friends with whom she loves to do things such as peruse antique stores and the whatnot. But their husbands are excruciatingly dull to be around, and that's coming from a guy who can talk to almost anyone. They don't read. They don't watch anything interesting on TV. They don't listen to music. They pretty much want to talk about golf or work, work or golf, 24/7. Ten minutes into a dinner party, I'm looking at the knife on my place setting and wondering how much it would hurt if I slid it up my wrist. That kind of dull.

So, yes, we have several circles of friends. All good people. Just radically different enough to wonder how they'd all mix together.

[Chilipepper35]

Many years ago I tried mixing a group of different friends and it was a mess. I thought two were going to get into a fist fight.

Also, I like to go hiking and I invited two friends who are total opposites. They argued for most of the hike.

I tend to like a variety of people. I might not agree with their religion or everything they do but we may have other things in common. Some of my friends are not so open minded and would just start an argument or get mad over how a total stranger lives their lives.

For example, I have one friend who is very religious and does not like for people to curse and she's quick to tell you, you shouldn't drink alcohol.

I have another friend who is a drinking buddy and curses alot.

Yet, I have another friend who's a combination of the two. Variety.

[timberline742]

I agree, Chili, it has ruined friendships trying to get my very different friends to socialize. They're generally nothing alike.