What is the rationale for people who keep all their friends separate? (wife, girlfriend)
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I have a couple of new gal friends after moving to SoFla recently.
I am retired very successfully, A is retired and has a good pension from NJ civil service, and C has fallen from a better lifestyle than either of us enjoyed while employed, but is now on SS Disability with fibromyalgia and/or a raft of mysterious and never-ending alments. She is struggling to survive on a tiny inheritance but the future looks bleak. I don't know if this is relevant because altho we are sensitive to her financial constraints, SHE DENIES HERSELF NOTHING, which baffles us, but hey, it's not our business.
Nevertheless we enjoy each others company BUT ALMOST ALWAYS IN TWO's. We have shared a common experience only three times in the past year as the third gal seems to prefer to associate with her friends (and she has others) on a one-to-one basis almost exclusively and seems to get miffed and acts displeased (dare I say 'betrayed'?) if we try to include each other in a date, like an afternoon movie. A and I agree that we are both 'inclusive' people - we have no problem sharing friends with other friends who we feel would get along. But gal C seems to prefer twosomes almost exclusively. This is hampering me and A who feel that we are friends in arms, like the Three Musketeers (we talk daily to each other at great length), but attempts to engage as a threesome have been difficult at best and unsuccessful and testy at worst. I am ready to give up because the juice ain't worth the squeeze.
I speculated that ego-centric and insecure personalities fear the loss of control that more complex relationships present so they operate on a hub-and-spoke system.. and we are the spokes!
Friend A disagrees but hasn't a clue why anyone would act this way.
My problem is that I fear it will weaken my friendship with both of them as I hate feeling unfree to create and enjoy people in varying styles and groups.
I welcome any insights or opinions to help me understand:
Why do some people choose friendship 'singularities' over groups of three or four?
..and why do they segregate their friends, talking about people who they will never introduce to you and whom you will never get to know - at least thru them?
what if she/he cant hear very well? with two people its one on one- you can at least try to read lips,,if you are almost deaf,,,but a third person changes the whole dynamics..
with three people you maybe lose track, of who is speaking with who- and its frustrating,,, im sure..
I can't explain why this occurs (I am sure the reason is unique to each person), but I experienced this with my best friend from high school, so I understand how you feel, to some extent.
In high school, my BFF and I did many things together, just the two of us, but also in groups.
In college, we lived in different states, but stayed in touch, and spent time together over summers, either together or with other friends.
After college, I moved back to our home town, as did she, and when I came back, I found that she had changed. She only spent time with friends in 1:1 situations. She did not seem to want to mix or share her friendships.
I had spent my entire undergrad making gobs of friends who all spent time together in all sorts of combinations, so to come back home and find that the person I thought of as a best friend would not permit me to join her social circle really hurt. And gradually, over the next two years, sadly we finally ended up drifting apart. It probably was for many reasons, but on my end, her tendency to keep me out of the rest of her life just didn't match the lifestyle I wanted at that time in my life.
KittenSparkles.. that's what i am afraid of, but i guess that's gonna be the only successful way we'll relate, .. and we'll find an equilibrium or drift apart completely.
Time will tell.
I welcome any insights or opinions to help me understand:
Why do some people choose friendship 'singularities' over groups of three or four?
..and why do they segregate their friends, talking about people who they will never introduce to you and whom you will never get to know - at least thru them?
Mixing friends has not yielded positive results in my life. It begins nicely, but somewhere along the way, people begin competing for attention (and it's usually subconsciously) at that's where conflicts arise. I have found that it's difficult to keep things from becoming cliquey, and it goes downhill from there. I see it like this: I am friends with X because X and I have common interests. X may be friends with Y for totally different reasons, and while Y and I *may* have things in common, the denominator is X, whom we are both friends with. There are many people who have great success mixing friends. I am not one of them. I've always had reservations and after one too many tries, I have determined that it's just not for me. I am an introvert and prefer 1 on 1 interactions anyway. I don't mind mixing for big events like birthdays, weddings, concerts, etc. Other than that, I'll take my friends 1 at a time.
I don't, however, tell my friends "I don't want you to meet XYZ..." There's no reason to do that. And I don't shy away from talking about my different friendships. I just don't feel the need to be a bridge for them. Also, when you've gotten into a habit of talking to 'X' friend about 'Y', it can be awkward when the two finally meet. Of course the best way to prevent this is to not gossip about friends, but we're all human and sometimes we vent about loved ones to others.
I don't mix my friends because they are all from different parts of my life. I have my antique dealer buddies, work friends, friends from high school, motorsports friends... and I prefer being in small groups of two. That's because we all lead very busy lives and what time we have together stays high quality time. In addition, if traveling in the same car, no one is stuck in the back seat.
Otherwise, I never do the double dating thing. As a woman, I prefer male friends and I just don't want to deal with anyone's wife or girlfriend because usually they don't have the same interests as their husband or boyfriend. And I don't want to talk about shopping or their kids.
I like what you said about egocentric, insecure people operating on a hub-and-spoke system. Good visual, and I believe this to be true of people I've known myself.
My best friend and I don't always socialize well together. We have both observed, with no hard feelings, that the other acts differently around certain people...possibly because of the way we know them and that they appeal to different parts of our personalities. Could this be your friend's feeling, too? It could be the smallest of differences that affect her. Maybe she feels, rightly or wrongly, that she is the third wheel when you are a trio. Even further, maybe she knows she's over-sensitive and self-embarrassment compounds her discomfort. No idea if this the case, of course. It's just something I've witnessed and discussed with others before.
I tend to have separate friends, though generally because I've met many of my better friends online or while traveling and they are scattered all over the globe. I have arranged meetings between them when the opportunity has presented itself, but it always feels awkward to me. I'm one of those people who makes friends who appeal to and bring out different sides of me. I don't really feel it until I have two very different people in front of me at the same time. When I do, I feel a little like I'm not sure which "me" to be.
I also have friends from all sorts of backgrounds, of many political stripes. Not everybody fits well with everyone else. Not that I'm more evolved than they are...just that not all of them have much desire to socialize outside their usual range.
I'm also a fairly serious person, and I often prefer the intensity of one-on-one conversations. It's also easier to go somewhere together and be quiet if there's only two people. Easier to choose what to do in general.
Yeah I agree with you that it is emotionally immature but it is also common in our society for people to do this. Some people act like they own their friends, try to control their ability to network with each other or even play them against one another. It isn't convenient to hang out with each friend separately, and it is impossible for large groups. Think if 10 people all had to do this! Also, usually more people is better because everyone thinks of funny things to say as long as you don't have problems with one person trying to hog attention or fighting one another.
I find it really annoying also, I am dating someone who is extroverted and has lots of friends who hang out together but wants to keep me seperate and then never ends up having time.
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