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I am trying to become more patient in my friendships. I'm much better in that I try to do favors where ever I can (without expecting anything in return), I'm a better listener (no problem being a sounding board for issues) without suggesting much or saying "if it were me..."
I'm in my early 40's, married, kids, have a career, workout, love reading - in short, I'm pretty busy, but I enjoy having friendships and a social life is important to upkeep. (I have a nice collection of close friends that I visit and keep up with via email and on the phone - but they aren't local.)
My issue is a group of friends have started to get catty, making snippy remarks about each other. They've also made comments about my life "why do you even work, do you need to?" and "are you going to hire a cleaning lady? You should." "You probably have a strict diet. You barely eat." (BTW, these are relatively new friends - a few months, since we moved recently.) These friends have been quite welcoming and at first I was impressed by what I saw as a nonjudgemental-just-want-to-go-out-and-have-fun group.
I have pitched in whenever asked, doing kid pickups, watching a friend's kids for the weekend, etc.
Now, I relayed to my husband the above scenario (the comments, the fact that these friends sometimes make remarks about other women when they aren't around, etc.) and expressed my disappointment. He says I'm being picky and that it's the nature of the beast. Ignore it and just have fun.
So my question on this forum is: In order to move friendships forward, do people overlook a lot? As people get older, how much do they tolerate in friends? (As we all know, the busier we are, the more of a sacrifice it is to put time aside to hang out.)
Get better friends. Friends I know support each other - not snipe behind each other's back.
Agree. My husband would probably make the same comment....men generally are not catty so can't really relate to having friends who behave this way. I would have ditched these friends yesterday because that would be a slippery slope for me. My behavior can easily devolve into the same type catty behavior if I'm around people like that.....then I end up resenting them and myself.....not worth it. There are plenty of kind hearted, trusting souls out there.....don't waste your precious life with these.
It is not at all the nature of the beast. Friendships are not all sunshine and kittens all the time, but if you have friends making those kinds of comments all the time, it's time to distance yourself.
I'm not saying my friends are never catty (or that I'm never catty), but we feel free to point it out when someone crosses the line. My one best friend went through a period where she was very unhappy - I was her favorite target. In that case, I let it go - basically I chalked it all up as the ravings of someone who was temporarily insane. She's back to normal now, after making some major life changes. My other best friend just says terrible things all the time, mostly due to poor social skills - I tease her about it freely because we have that kind of relatoinship. My other friends jokingly refer to her as "No Filter." I can honestly say though that those two best friends would do anything for me (and they have proven it repeatedly). I have never doubted their love and affection for even a moment. Much of our abrasiveness with each other stems from a rather traumatizing time in high school, and I think much of it involved a habit of toughening each other up so that others couldn't hurt us, if that makes any sense. It's definitely not cattiness in the typical sense of the word.
My other friends have far fewer "catty" tendencies. They are supportive and affectionate people who want good things for me, just as I want for them. Why would I want people in my life who treat me poorly or make me question myself in an unhealthy way?
You can do better. Look for people who treat you the way you treat them. Just because someone offers friendship doesn't mean you have to accept it.
You can do better. Look for people who treat you the way you treat them. Just because someone offers friendship doesn't mean you have to accept it.
Lots of great points on here. While I want to be accepting of people and am aware that I myself mess up from time to time, I am careful that my comments don't hurt people.
Posters on here are right - I need to keep looking. There are great people out there. I'm not going to ditch this set - I'm just going to distance myself and broaden my circle.
I don't know what the answer is. Women are often just cruel and destructive to each other. I think it does help to have a wider group. There are nicer women out there. You just have to find them.
Lots of great points on here. While I want to be accepting of people and am aware that I myself mess up from time to time, I am careful that my comments don't hurt people.
Posters on here are right - I need to keep looking. There are great people out there. I'm not going to ditch this set - I'm just going to distance myself and broaden my circle.
Thanks for the great comments.
Sounds like the perfect solution. Good luck... it's so hard to make new friends!
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