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One of the things I've been in therapy about is my mom. I worry about her a lot because she seems to have more issues going on than the average person, and I am starting to feel like I need to step in and sort things through for her.
Here are the things that worry me:
1. She lost her job earlier this year. She works in a small town and was making $10/hour at a plant. She hated her job but at least she was able to pay most of her bills. Now she's behind on her mortgage (which is only $210 a month) and had to borrow $2k from my grandfather to get caught up.
2. She only has a high school diploma, no other skills. She's also got a few personality disorders going on...she's had a rough childhood and is pretty antisocial. Doesn't get along with most people too well. Is not open to learning/doesn't think she can learn new things. Is moderately depressed. Was diagnosed as bipolar many years ago but I suspect she's not for reaons I won't get into (would make this too long).
3. She can't afford her house. She doesn't have running water. This is a long story, but she hasn't had running water for like going on 10 years now. It's unsanitary. She's hoarding. I don't know what "level" of a hoarder she is, but imagine a house that never has the lights on, no stove, no running water, no microwave, with every room packed to the max with useless 'stuff'.
4. She is extremely difficult to talk to. She rambles a lot...talks in circles. Basically, if you wanted to get an answer to a question for her, it's no easy task. Sometimes it just doesn't happen. We've been trying to ask her for years what she owes on her house...she 'dances around the topic'...so I'm not sure if she refuses to find out, just doesn't want us to know...or both. It makes helping her out very very hard.
I thought she was good with money but I am questioning that now. I 'thought' she was good with it because she raised myself and my brother for the most part by herself...which is no easy task for a single mom with her low income. But after she recently came to visit with me for a month, I found otherwise. As an example, she hid "gifts" she'd been buying me during her stay without my knowledge in my apartment. After she left I was finding these little gifts everywhere, which is thoughtful, but to me irrational because she's unemployed. I mean, I loaned her $400 during the month of October while she visited me, and that was right after she borrowed the $2k from her dad. My brother has sent her several thousand dollars this year. I've sent maybe a little over a grand. As another example while visiting me, she would go to the convenience store to buy things like tea. Instead of going to the grocery store and getting a gallon for $2, she'd buy three 12 oz teas at $1.99/each from 7 eleven. Seems very wasteful for someone without a job. I'm beginning to think she's just not thinking...or caring.
I recently found out she hadn't even been filing for her unemployment. The whole time she visited me, she didn't file. So she didn't get any money for like 6 weeks. I couldn't believe it...she didn't even really have a good reason for not doing so...I mean, who loses a job, is eligible for unemployment and stops filing for it??
My mother's living condition is to the point where I can't really visit her during the holidays because I'll get too depressed myself. I don't see her getting another job any time soon, and if she does, it won't be enough to cover the bills, as she was barely making it before. I am beginning to wonder if I need to take some serious action in order to save myself from future distress (I worry about something happening to her and having to deal with the house issue...which I simply cannot). But I don't know where to start with her.
I wonder....
-Do I try to get her to 'let the house go' since she's under and it's not in a liveable condition?
-Do I suggest she move in with her dad? With myself?
-Is there any type of free counseling anyone knows of I can get her so she can start dealing with her issues instead of avoiding them? I am starting to get anxious that one day all of this is going to come down on me. I had a talk with my grandfather about it, and he said that that's basically what it will come down to....that my mother is "a ticking time bomb...and that he wasn't going to be around when it all exploded, and that he wished me the best of luck in dealing with her." I feel my chest tightening and I swear my blood pressure is going up as I'm writing this. I don't want to be in a situation that "explodes" and I have to clean up the mess...I want to take action now but...I don't know what to do....?
You should probably post on the Caregiving forum...those folks have a lot of experience with this sort of thing.
I think you need to get a lawyer and get someone appointed to be her guardian. You'd probably have to go to court to get her declared incompetent...it sounds like the condition of the house alone would be justification. You need to get control of her finances. Do not ever give her money again! Pay her bills directly if you have to but don't let her handle money. She is not competent to take care of herself. I doubt anyone could dispute that.
Once you get a better picture of the financial situation you can get an idea what your options are for her living arrangements.
Unfortunately, none of those options is going to be easy.
Can she stay with you or your brother while the house is cleaned out? You could call an estate salesman to come and get it all. or if she is going to stay there, all but the basics. If you want her to move elsewhere, I'm thinking you are going to have to tell her the house was foreclosed on and put it on the market.
Whatever you end up doing, this is going to require some gentle lies.
another avenue to pursue would be medical help...she may be able to function better on antidepressants or something like that.
I also hope this thread gets moved, you need better advice than I can give. All I can say is your mom is a very sick woman and needs help. I feel terrible for you OP, please take care of yourself.
You should probably post on the Caregiving forum...those folks have a lot of experience with this sort of thing.
I think you need to get a lawyer and get someone appointed to be her guardian. You'd probably have to go to court to get her declared incompetent...it sounds like the condition of the house alone would be justification. You need to get control of her finances. Do not ever give her money again! Pay her bills directly if you have to but don't let her handle money. She is not competent to take care of herself. I doubt anyone could dispute that.
Once you get a better picture of the financial situation you can get an idea what your options are for her living arrangements.
Unfortunately, none of those options is going to be easy.
Can she stay with you or your brother while the house is cleaned out? You could call an estate salesman to come and get it all. or if she is going to stay there, all but the basics. If you want her to move elsewhere, I'm thinking you are going to have to tell her the house was foreclosed on and put it on the market.
Whatever you end up doing, this is going to require some gentle lies.
another avenue to pursue would be medical help...she may be able to function better on antidepressants or something like that.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Unfortunately she does not believe in taking medication. I've been trying to get her to go to the doc for years because her blood pressure is sky high (stroke level). But she just believes praying will cure it.
My brother lives in Japan so I don't think he's an option. I guess that would be a possible solution...her staying with me while things get cleaned up.
I also hope this thread gets moved, you need better advice than I can give. All I can say is your mom is a very sick woman and needs help. I feel terrible for you OP, please take care of yourself.
Thanks...I also posted this in the Caregiving section.
You need to do 3 things.
1) get durable power of attorney- see elder care attorney in her area
2) get her to elder care doctor. not GP. Even if she doesn't take meds she needs to be checked out for mental competency.
3) have a competency hearing. She sounds very ill and she should not be left to her own devices. She cannot take care of herself.
she will no doubt fight you but you need to be strong. She is young but early onset alzheimers is very real and she needs help.
-Is there any type of free counseling anyone knows of I can get her so she can start dealing with her issues instead of avoiding them? I am starting to get anxious that one day all of this is going to come down on me. I had a talk with my grandfather about it, and he said that that's basically what it will come down to....that my mother is "a ticking time bomb...and that he wasn't going to be around when it all exploded, and that he wished me the best of luck in dealing with her." I feel my chest tightening and I swear my blood pressure is going up as I'm writing this. I don't want to be in a situation that "explodes" and I have to clean up the mess...I want to take action now but...I don't know what to do....?
I'm so sorry your mom is this mentally ill
But honey, you are in over your head. You need expert advice and support to help a person at this level of mental illness.
Contact the county agencies dealing with Mental Health where you live to seek advice on how to proceed.
Also, if you are in a larger city there will be a United Way office. They may be able to give you further assistance.
Best of luck - but do get professionals involved, your mom is very sick.
But honey, you are in over your head. You need expert advice and support to help a person at this level of mental illness.
Contact the county agencies dealing with Mental Health where you live to seek advice on how to proceed.
Also, if you are in a larger city there will be a United Way office. They may be able to give you further assistance.
Best of luck - but do get professionals involved, your mom is very sick.
Ditto. Your mother is not simply eccentric, I believe she is mentally ill. She may be able to qualify for many programs. Please contact county healthcare agencies and explain this as well as you did on this thread.
It's clear your Mom has some mental illness issues. My sister did as well, it took us decades of trying and working to get her committed against her will and she was officially diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. Every time she would be in under 30 day observation she would have to take her meds and she would be fine, then released on her own, and then she would quit the meds and spiral down again. She lost her house because she didn't pay her taxes on it and lost all her belongings. She is now in a group home and doing well.
If you go this route you need a social worker and you need to start tracking and dating her issues, like the hoarding and not filing for unemployment. Social workers come and go and it's hard to keep her file active.
I hope things go smoother than it did for me but you only have ten years you should get on top of it now so she is taken care of as she reaches retirement age. (I thought I read she was in her fifties.) Good luck.
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I feel terrible for you OP, please take care of yourself.
