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I have a friend who's going though a divorce and is drunk a lot of the time. She's got a little boy.
She started drinking at the beginning of the summer, before that she'd get drunk at parties but not drink at all otherwise. She was already wanting a divorce, but trying to stick it out because she thought her son should have his dad there. Her husband started cheating and she started going out at night tracking him and trying to catch him, reading his email and going through his phone records and calling the other woman, that kind of thing. Then she started drinking.
Yesterday her mom called me and asked if I can talk to my friend and tell her that I'm afraid CPS will take her son if she doesn't try to get the drinking under control. I don't think CPS will take her son, my friend is still feeding her son and taking him to school with clean clothes on, and she's not driving drunk. She lives with her dad, so there is another adult in the house to help keep an eye on the little boy.
I told her mom I would talk to her about the drinking and see if she will agree to get some help. I don't really know were to begin, though.
Have you helped a friend in this situation, or been in a similar situation yourself? What would you recommend?
Stand back. Stand very far back. I know you want to help, and you can help this friend if they help themselves, but there are certain things you'd be smart not to do, such as start taking care of the child, finances, taking her in, etc. as you will soon find yourself hopelessly tied into a situation you might not agree with. You can certainly give advice, look for resources, etc. but again your friend has to be willing to do more than just talk about wanting help.
You should stay completely out of this situation.
What your friend does with her life and her child is up to her and she will change when and if she wants to.
It is also hard to say if child welfare would take this child. If someone were to report her to the child abuse hotline they are obligated to take the report and do an investigation. After that there is no guarantee what will happen, it depends on the situation and details and what child welfare finds during the investigation.
I have a friend who's going though a divorce and is drunk a lot of the time. She's got a little boy.
She started drinking at the beginning of the summer, before that she'd get drunk at parties but not drink at all otherwise. She was already wanting a divorce, but trying to stick it out because she thought her son should have his dad there. Her husband started cheating and she started going out at night tracking him and trying to catch him, reading his email and going through his phone records and calling the other woman, that kind of thing. Then she started drinking.
Yesterday her mom called me and asked if I can talk to my friend and tell her that I'm afraid CPS will take her son if she doesn't try to get the drinking under control. I don't think CPS will take her son, my friend is still feeding her son and taking him to school with clean clothes on, and she's not driving drunk. She lives with her dad, so there is another adult in the house to help keep an eye on the little boy.
I told her mom I would talk to her about the drinking and see if she will agree to get some help. I don't really know were to begin, though.
Have you helped a friend in this situation, or been in a similar situation yourself? What would you recommend?
She doesn't sound as if she's really an alcoholic if she's not to the point where she's driving drunk and she's actually taking care of her son, although she might be on her way to alkie-ville. This might be the only window of opportunity you have to get through to her before she's too far gone.
Be prepared that she might get angry with you, but too bad. Don't threaten her with CPS or play any other silly word games. Be frank and forthright and tell her--BECAUSE SHE ALREADY KNOWS--that it is obvious that she is developing a drinking problem and that she should seek help for her own sake and for the sake of her son and everyone else in her family. Even though she gets her son dressed and to school and feeds him, who knows what she says and does to him when she's wasted. She could be harming him in that way. Be firm, though. Don't sugarcoat the seriousness of the situation or show her too much sympathy. Drunks suck that up and use it to manipulate people. She needs to hear the truth so it hurts enough to make her care.
And then, if she refuses to do anything about it, it will be clear that her drinking takes precedence over her kid, and then her parents will have to take whatever steps are necessary to protect that child. You will have done your best.
You cannot make your friend seek the treatment she needs. However, if she is a close friend, there is nothing wrong with telling her you are concerned, and offering her some support. You can let her know others have noticed how much she is drinking, and are worried. Then, step back.
She doesn't sound as if she's really an alcoholic if she's not to the point where she's driving drunk and she's actually taking care of her son, although she might be on her way to alkie-ville. This might be the only window of opportunity you have to get through to her before she's too far gone.
Be prepared that she might get angry with you, but too bad. Don't threaten her with CPS or play any other silly word games. Be frank and forthright and tell her--BECAUSE SHE ALREADY KNOWS--that it is obvious that she is developing a drinking problem and that she should seek help for her own sake and for the sake of her son and everyone else in her family. Even though she gets her son dressed and to school and feeds him, who knows what she says and does to him when she's wasted. She could be harming him in that way.
And then, if she refuses to do anything about it, it will be clear that her drinking takes precedence over her kid, and then her parents will have to take whatever steps are necessary to protect that child. You will have done your best.
An alcoholic doesn't have to have reached that extreme stage yet to know they have a problem. Generally when alcohol starts negatively affecting any part of one's life is when they should start looking into it.
An alcoholic doesn't have to have reached that extreme stage yet to know they have a problem. Generally when alcohol starts negatively affecting any part of one's life is when they should start looking into it.
That's a very good point. I just wasn't sure if this woman is an actual alcoholic or if she is just drinking heavily out of emotional distress, but either way, it needs attention NOW.
I had to hide the alcohol in my house because she will help herself whenever she comes over.
Her dad used to be an alcoholic, and her brother is addicted to prescription pain killers, which I think is why her mom is so worried at this point about her drinking. Her mom said she didn't blame the husband for leaving because it's miserable living with an alcoholic, but I told her I thought the husband was cheating before my friend started drinking like this. Her mom is sure that she is an alcoholic at this point.
Anyhow, I don't want to scare my friend with CPS or lecture her or anything. I just want to tell her something like, "Hey, I know you're drinking more than usual because you're hurting right now, but your son and your future (she's applying to law school) are so important, I don't want anything to get in your way. I'm worried about you." and then suggest some things that might help her, but I don't know exactly what...a program like AA (there's one for women called Women For Sobriety that looks promising), maybe talking to her doctor about antidepressants, I don't know what else.
Alcoholic--not alcoholic. Doesn't matter what words you use. If she's helping herself to your booze when she comes over, there is a problem.
Your best bet is to express your concerns to her, & let her know that you will help her if she wants you to--let her know you love & support her. What you stated above is appropriate. But it is not up to you to force her into AA or any other sobriety programs. In order for that to work, she needs to acknowledge that she has a problem & is powerless over it. That is entirely up to her. If she expresses a desire to go to a meeting, you can help by finding a local meeting (you can look online). There are "open" meetings that you could attend with her, or she can go to a closed meeting alone.
You are a good friend for being so concerned.
BTW--with alcoholism, there is no "used to be". An alcoholic who no longer drinks is a recovering alcoholic. It never goes away.
I would just tell her you have noticed she is medicating herself with alcohol and this kind of thing doesn't end well and that you are concerned about her and that she should be concerned about herself and her son.
I feel sorry for her mom and her son.
You definitely should say something. It's the moral and ethical thing to do for her and for her son.
If she wants help, there's a ton of help out there.
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