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Is it any consolation that this is not about you and everything about her?
There is nothing worthless about you...flip that...she is the one who feels worthless and demonstrates her feelings about her parenthood. She wasn't up for it. You will probably never really know why she was SO completely emotionally unavailable, but you can rest assured the seeds were planted long before you were born.
There is something to be said for telling her how she makes you feel, but it is unlikely you will get much satisfaction from it! More likely you will have to set boundaries for contact and interaction and it ultimately might end in no contact at all.
You're right about that, she definitely wasn't up for being a parent. I had more nannies and family friends looking after me than I could count. I know that my mother's mother was very emotionally unavailable, cold, rigid, logical and practical. My grandmother raised independent daughters and sensitive sons.
I think you have to go through a "mad". Just don't get stuck there, like my brother (he's totally justified, but it hurts him). He will call every once in a while to talk about her - and I think my indifference to her is helping him get to that same place.
It doesn't help to confront. Tried that. She is amazing adept at re-writing history and clinging to it even if confronted with evidence. I did feel good when I finally severed it for good by telling her she would never measure up to a decent human being and she was forever cut off. It hasn't helped her behavior, from what I have been told - but I no longer am affected by it. Hope my brother gets there soon.
I just don't know how I'm going to maintain a relationship with her at this point. Clearly it's not actually a "relationship" and I'm done with playing games, pretending things are something other than what they are. My family has a "look the other way" dynamic so that nothing is ever really confronted or dragged out into the light. This whole thing is just really overwhelming me right now.
You really need to understand narcissism, especially at the point of being a personality disorder before you decide you are to confront her or you will be even more frustrated. She will most likely deny everything you confront her with or make it your fault. Trust me on this as I have been there and it will hurt even more when she denies and worse yet describes how it is all your fault. Sometimes it is just better that we move on. I did and never regretted it. I did not learn of my mother's death until two years after the fact. I have peace.
You really need to understand narcissism, especially at the point of being a personality disorder before you decide you are to confront her or you will be even more frustrated. She will most likely deny everything you confront her with or make it your fault. Trust me on this as I have been there and it will hurt even more when she denies and worse yet describes how it is all your fault. Sometimes it is just better that we move on. I did and never regretted it. I did not learn of my mother's death until two years after the fact. I have peace.
Yes, she will probably deny or distort the facts, or she will act in that robotic, detached, business-like way which she loves because she doesn't have to invest any of her own emotions into the conversation. In other words, she'll make it so she doesn't have to be vulnerable or wrong at all.
The older I get, the more I realize how my mother simply does not see past the end of her own nose. And it's only getting worse. She's very dominant and she doesn't take well to anyone challenging her.
She just doesn't "get it", never has. But I agree that this is not a healthy influence to have in my life, regardless.
Just let her go. And I mean completely. Let her contact you and treat her the same way she's treated you. Look for people that actually care about you. I have a very pragmatic approach to these things. I am probably more loyal than most people but only if I know the person really cares about me.
Just let her go. And I mean completely. Let her contact you and treat her the same way she's treated you. Look for people that actually care about you. I have a very pragmatic approach to these things. I am probably more loyal than most people but only if I know the person really cares about me.
I'm still going to confront her. From there, who knows what will happen. I may cut her off. We don't have a real relationship, we just go through the motions around holidays, and it's just so fake. I feel like we are going to have a big blowout.
Our five-minute conversation today stirred up so much old hurt for me, hurt that I didn't even know was still there. I feel exhausted right now.
Growing up, my mother never wanted to deal with the nitty-gritty details of my life. She only wanted to deal with me in a detached way, and only wanted to hear that I was perfect and that everything was going great in my life. If I had a problem, I could not approach her with it because she refused to listen and would deny the existence of the problem. I was basically left to fend for myself as early as four years old. I learned that my needs and my reality were simply not important to her.
I live in another state now and am completely self-sufficient, successful, etc, but still she takes no interest in my life. Every now and then she'll text me, almost like she's checking to see if I'm still alive or something, but she doesn't ask me about what's going on in my life at all. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that I AM A REAL PERSON and I HAVE A LIFE that deserves to be recognized. Everything is still all about her.
Sometimes I get the feeling that it PAINS her to acknowledge me. Like it's too difficult for her to step out of her self-centered existence to take a genuine interest in her daughter.
It usually doesn't get to me, because it's what I have known my whole life, but today we talked on the phone briefly to discuss a family situation and I wanted to reach through the phone and wring her neck. I just moved to a new location and got a new job and there was NO mention of that. NO questions about what's going on in my life, who I'm dating, how I even AM. And I got off the phone feeling like that same worthless child who isn't allowed to have needs. Isn't allowed to exist at all.
Why do you continue to engage her and allow her attitude to control your life? If you know how she is going to be then avoid her. Any family issue can be dealt with through someone else, email or a voicemail unless it is so important that an immediate answer from you to her or her to you is necessary.
Also, why would you expect anything to change now that you are grown? It really should not surprise nor disappoint you that she did not ask about the move or the job.
Why do you continue to engage her and allow her attitude to control your life? If you know how she is going to be then avoid her. Any family issue can be dealt with through someone else, email or a voicemail unless it is so important that an immediate answer from you to her or her to you is necessary.
Also, why would you expect anything to change now that you are grown? It really should not surprise nor disappoint you that she did not ask about the move or the job.
Do you ever post anything positive? Ever?
If you have constructive advice, give it. If not, kindly exit my thread. I don't need criticism right now.
My mother is like that. It doesn't get better as they get older. Learn to say no now, it will come in handy later.
I almost bled to death last year because I was busy taking care of my mother. I can't even explain it, how she can still overwhelm me with her needs and convince me to ignore my own health and wellbeing. I'm lucky my husband put an end to the whole thing, packed my parents up and sent them home, and took me to the hospital (where I had to have two transfusions). I'm trying harder now to say no and set boundaries when she makes demands. Not surprisingly, my mom is now calling my husband names and acting like she's in physical danger when he's around.
To Stava and the other posters with mothers that don't seem to care. I am so sorry, some people are just not cut out to be good parents even though they have great kids. Hang in there and survive without them.
{{{hugs}}}
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