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I always considered calling someone aunt or uncle who wasn't your aunt or uncle a sign of stupidity, not a sign of respect.
People should know who they are related to. And to get some people fired up, I would like to point out that your uncle's are your mom and dad's brothers. Your mom's sisters husband is not your uncle. No common progenitor, no relative.
Well this is true...In fact this has been the least of my worries the past 5 months. Had a bogus restraining order put on me, she lied out of her teeth in a mediation session and I'm paying out my $!#$ in support and she's hiding a large sum of our money with a relative. We are looking at a 25-30k divorce between the two of us. But I have a freedom my friends. Probably thinking we'll what did I do? I just worked 55 hours a week and didn't stray from my marriage.
This is her second divorce. I hate the term uncle personally especially since I have two brothers who are her true uncles.
For all those who say uncle is fine how do you transition to step dad? Is my daughters story my uncle is now my step dad? Nice family!
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains
Look, by the way you describe your ex there will likely be a string of "uncles" in your daugther's life before she gets a stepdad, so just cross that bridge when you come to it.
But the reality is, THIS is who you picked to be the mother of your child. Be mad at her if you want, but be equally angry at yourself - then let it go.
Anger and bitterness just suck the life right out of you.
Remember, living well is the best revenge.
I was just going to post the same thing that lovesMountain wrote.
I personally prefer that a dating parent use terms such as friend or boyfriend or the man I'm dating but a lot of people do use uncle. And, in some cases, a l-o-n-g string of uncles.
I'll share a funny story about "uncles". A young student that I know from subbing was talking about a birthday party at his house. Daddy said this and Uncle John said that and Uncle Martin said that. I mentioned to the teacher how nice it was that all of his mom's brothers could come to the family birthday party. The teacher told me that the men were not mom's brothers but the fathers of that student and his siblings (three kids-three dads) and they all got along so well that they frequently got together at the mom's place (that she is sharing with yet another uncle). Yikes! A little too much togetherness for me!
People should know who they are related to. And to get some people fired up, I would like to point out that your uncle's are your mom and dad's brothers. Your mom's sisters husband is not your uncle. No common progenitor, no relative.
What's your source for that? Every English language dictionary and genealogical reference includes "the husband of one's aunt" as a definition or descriptor for uncle. Some genealogical sources suggest using "uncle by marriage".
Of course, none include a family friend or mom's boyfriend but I don't have a problem with the informal practice. Also, I've known many who called a stepparent's brother or brother-in-law their uncle.
What's your source for that? Every English language dictionary andgenealogical reference includes "the husband of one's aunt" as a definition or descriptor for uncle. Some genealogical sources suggest using "uncle by marriage".
Of course, none include a family friend or mom's boyfriend but I don't have a problem with the informal practice. Also, I've known many who called a stepparent's brother or brother-in-law their uncle.
My family calls the spouses aunt or uncle even though it is by marriage and not biology/blood.
OP, I have two children, a daughter and a son. They are very beautiful. I'm not saying this because I'm biased. I have not had ONE time of taking them out in public without having people stop me to ask if they are models. Normally, I would exclude this part but I want to point it out because perfect strangers have tried to touch them or get close to them.
When my daughter was about three years old, my son was about one. We took them out in their double stroller and went for a walk. An elderly neighbor was outside watering his yard. He had never seen the kids and was completely mesmerized. It was ridiculous how silly he was acting. Okay, they're cute. He grabbed my daughter by the hand, pulled her close, bent down and said "Give me a kiss" while turning his cheek toward her face. I stepped up and took her hand and told her "No." not in a scary way. He immediately got defensive and said "What's the problem? It's like kissing an uncle." to which I replied "You are not her uncle" and took my children away.
He didn't stop there. For months, he would come to our house and leave gifts for my daughter. He would peer in the sidelights wanting to wave to her. It was asinine behavior for a grown man and nothing I said got through to him to stop. However, he didn't stop with just being a little bit stupid. I got the police involved the day he drove by in his car and tried to get my daughter to come outside toward him. He saw me come out the front door and floored it but I recognized him and his car so he couldn't deny his inappropriate behavior (or knew it was in his best interest not to).
As a person that grew up around people who were not biologically related or related by marriage and forced to call them "aunt" and "uncle" and having to defend my own child against someone who was clearly inappropriate, I absolutely understand why it bothers you. The terms gives a "sense of closeness" that doesn't really exist and is hard for a child to differentiate.
As I mentioned in my first response, I don't force my children to call people "aunt" and "uncle" if that is not their actual relationship in our family. Everyone is called "Mr. First Name" or "Ms. First Name" and I even do it for people who are a generation or more older than me. I do not want my children to feel "put upon" by people trying to cross their boundaries (or the ones I set for them) and it makes perfect sense why this situation would be so uncomfortable for you.
OP, I have two children, a daughter and a son. They are very beautiful. I'm not saying this because I'm biased. I have not had ONE time of taking them out in public without having people stop me to ask if they are models. Normally, I would exclude this part but I want to point it out because perfect strangers have tried to touch them or get close to them.
When my daughter was about three years old, my son was about one. We took them out in their double stroller and went for a walk. An elderly neighbor was outside watering his yard. He had never seen the kids and was completely mesmerized. It was ridiculous how silly he was acting. Okay, they're cute. He grabbed my daughter by the hand, pulled her close, bent down and said "Give me a kiss" while turning his cheek toward her face. I stepped up and took her hand and told her "No." not in a scary way. He immediately got defensive and said "What's the problem? It's like kissing an uncle." to which I replied "You are not her uncle" and took my children away.
He didn't stop there. For months, he would come to our house and leave gifts for my daughter. He would peer in the sidelights wanting to wave to her. It was asinine behavior for a grown man and nothing I said got through to him to stop. However, he didn't stop with just being a little bit stupid. I got the police involved the day he drove by in his car and tried to get my daughter to come outside toward him. He saw me come out the front door and floored it but I recognized him and his car so he couldn't deny his inappropriate behavior (or knew it was in his best interest not to).
As a person that grew up around people who were not biologically related or related by marriage and forced to call them "aunt" and "uncle" and having to defend my own child against someone who was clearly inappropriate, I absolutely understand why it bothers you. The terms gives a "sense of closeness" that doesn't really exist and is hard for a child to differentiate.
As I mentioned in my first response, I don't force my children to call people "aunt" and "uncle" if that is not their actual relationship in our family. Everyone is called "Mr. First Name" or "Ms. First Name" and I even do it for people who are a generation or more older than me. I do not want my children to feel "put upon" by people trying to cross their boundaries (or the ones I set for them) and it makes perfect sense why this situation would be so uncomfortable for you.
What a creepy, creepy story. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks mjd07. Just to shed additional light on my situation. I have a suspicion my wife was seeing someone this Fall- and I don't know if this was the guy. When my wife had the I'm unhappy talk before Thanksgiving. I said let's do counseling. She didn't want to- so I filed for divorce (the next week), but did little in the way of protecting myself (leaving accounts to her) just taking a few things and leaving our house- which also doesn't matter in my state.
If I'm a little hypersensitive its because I just don't know what went on and feel a normal cycle of Anger then Apathy is hard to do not knowing everything. So Uncle could have been sleeping with my wife at the time.
I'm starting to let that go- but little things like this "Uncle"- he's not her uncle. I'm italian we cherish family. She has two uncles (my two brothers). My ex had an older brother who passed is she honoring him? I don't know, but its weird to me. I hold family differently than I think most do though. I just don't invent relatives or open the doors to my family.
I'm trying to see this through my daughters eyes and maybe this will change opinions. If your mom told you this is Uncle John and weeks passed and Uncle John hung around more and more, slept over, kissed mom differently- what's your take as a 4 year old trying to make sense of the world? Uncles and mommies do that- do cousins also do that with mommy? Kind of weird attaching family names to romantic exclusive relationships. Is it okay if my brother (Uncle) sleeps with her mother? There are so many other ways to address this guy- that's all- I don't know if he is an adulterous scumbug either- that may be a more appropriate name (for me to him at least).
I'm not going to die on this hill I guess- becuase there will be Uncle John, Tom, Bill, Henry, Jimmy you name it- too many people to worry about. And Yes I feel bad for my decision having a child with this woman, and I'm no way implying I'm perfect, but I'm going to put my daughter's feelings and well being first.
Hi Eastcoastbias, I'm sorry you are going through all that. I get it. I really do. Divorce is hard enough on all parties without it involving betrayal and distortion of facts. I also agree with you about how things must look from a four year old's perspective...Confusing! Try not to beat yourself up. I'm sure you and I are not the only people that made the mistake of having child/ren with someone that didn't respect and honor their marriage vows. We ended up with wonderful children and the tasks of modeling good and appropriate behavior for them. It's really hard to co-parent with someone whose values are so fundamentally different than our own. Rest assured, though, that it's not impossible and you are in good company. Every day you have the task of fighting for your little girl's self-respect, self-esteem and sense of purpose in the world. It's even more important now that you know her mother can't/won't do it. Draw on those feelings you had when she came into the world and trust that you are doing the right thing in spite of the nonsense with the divorce. To her, that's all that matters - her daddy doing the right thing.
All the best to you both.
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