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The best thing you can do is listen to her and tell her that you care about her.
Seeing your friend's husband as the sole cause of their problems is probably a failure of your perspective, I'm afraid. Don't project your opinions and incomplete knowledge onto her situation.
#1, thank you for being the kind of friend who truly cares and understands boundaries, both personal and social.
#2, If she starts to 'gush' when you are having a cocktail, tell her that while you support and love her and that you will listen to her, tell her plainly that "This conversation should be undertaken when we are not buzzed. It is too important."
#3, If she still wants to unload and refrains from getting buzzed or drunk, have a good list mentally of all the crap this SOB has put her through. Ask her if she wants the next 20 years to even be worse? It will, they are getting older, not more marketable job and mate wise, and that WHEN is she going to look out for herself?
#4, get her to an empowerment workshop. She has to learn to stand up and for herself. She has clearly recognized the bad situation she is in...so she needs prompting to get to the next step of doing something substantive about it.
Anyway, good job trying to help. If all she does is whine and does not seek to fix the situation, explain to her gently that you don't enjoy seeing her Hurt HERSELF and you don't want to talk about that issue any longer. Then change the topic.
As earlier, you are a good friend. We need more people like you in this world.
Obviously your friend needs to vent. I would never tell a friend I don't want to hear them if they won't take my advice. If you allow her to talk, empathize, and ask gentle leading questions, it can be more of a help than any unsolicited advice. Most times we have the answers to our own problems, and they can be discovered just by talking about the problems themselves, and answering a few questions that lead to introspection and awareness.
It's not your responsibility to find solutions to someone else's problems, but as a friend, it is your responsibility to let her unburden her heart to you. That's what friends are for.
I agree with Stan and Amy and many of these other posts-- give her support. I would ask her what she wants to do and leave it at that. If you say things that are negative and they stay together, she may hold that against you.
This, and you could also suggest she seek professional counseling.
I have a friend who I've known for 14 years now. She is married to a man who has lost everything for them twice in that amount of time. And the first time, their little farm in the middle of nowhere that they got really cheap, ended up in the middle of very desirable homes around a golf course. The developer paid them over a million dollars for it.
He promptly lost it all about one year later (except my friend fortunately insisted on buying a house with about a quarter of the money), in scam investment schemes. He even told me about one of them, and it was one of those oil drilling scams. They're from Canada, we met in Mexico. Anyway, I told him these are known scams, but you couldn't tell him anything. He was going to turn that million dollars into ten million.
Anyway, part of his scheme was to buy a house in Mexico and not tell the Canadian govt about it. Well, short version, he got caught, and then they lost all equity in the new house, and any savings and had to file bankruptcy again. They are buying the house all over again.
And yes, I've been hearing my girlfriend complain about him for 14 years. What I've learned to say, that kind of sounds like I'm listening and caring, but that doesn't encourage lengthy whoa-is-me monologues is:
"Well, you know I would have left him years ago. But, I guess that's why you're still married and I'm not."
And once in a while I'll ask her something like, "Isn't keeping that house (with an indoor pool) expensive? Aren't there any senior subsidized housing complexes up there in Canada?"
One of his things is that he doesn't want her to quit working and retire in 2 years, because he likes having the extra salary. And he spends it like water through his fingers. And a LOT of it is spent on major home projects. So, I'd say,
"The cost of the house must be really expensive. Would you guys consider moving into a retirement community, where you can rent and let someone else deal with maintenance?"
She called me a couple weeks ago and was frantic that she thinks he won't "let" her retire in two years. And that time, I kind of let her have it. "You're right. He will let you work until you die, in order to keep your paycheck rolling in. It's up to you to put your foot down."
She's just really wimpy about standing up to him. And I can't make her not be wimpy.
So, it's a fine line of not wanting to hear about it for the next 14 years, and being supportive. If you start giving suggestions when she starts complaining, that are suggestions she doesn't want to hear, she'll quit complaining. But, the message is there, if she should ever decide to grab hold of it.
So, for you, you could say, "Well, you know I wouldn't put up with it. But, it's your marriage not mine. But, if you ever decide you want to try and make it on your own, I can help you figure out how to do it. I'm good at budgets."
Anything beyond that, and they usually just get defensive.
In my experience these women don't really want advice. They just want to vent. If they wanted advice they would have asked for it AND ACTED ON IT when the trouble started. I think the only thing that's at all useful is to ask a single question: What is it that YOU want?
What outcome to this mess would make her happy? My guess is she won't be able to articulate a response to that. And if by chance she can, then ask, "When would you be willing to start a plan of action to make this happen?"
Sometimes after years these victims come to their senses, but most of them are addicted to the drama and seeing themselves as innocent of the bad decision-making that they have no will to leave. On some level she must enjoy being the object of pity.
If she is able to give an answer to the questions that you believe, I'm sure you are smart enough, and know them well enough, to make some helpful suggestions. But I suspect you'll just end up being glad you live far away.
The only thing I would do is ask open-ended questions, such as, "What does he (husband) say about it all? Do you think he's learned anything from it?" "Is your child aware and how is she handling it?" "Do you feel like you have any options?"
If I felt like nudging her, I might say something like, "I'm not in your marriage, but this makes me feel angry on your behalf. It seems like you've done everything right and he's not making your marriage a priority." I probably wouldn't go any farther than that, but I would try to validate any feelings she might be having.
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