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Oh, he knows he owes me money. We have a written agreement for it to be paid back in full by next February, but I'm not very optimistic at this point.
I've told my mom many times that I don't appreciate the negativity and the verbal abuse, she apologizes, but goes right back to being negative. I don't think she can change without therapy.
As others said, "disown" is a big word.
I thought "disown" means "cut off all contact with, they are basically no longer considered family." Same as shunning, as tribes and religious groups sometimes do. In ancient times it was nearly a death sentence, as humans were (and still are) tribal. Outside the tribe, you're a marked (wo)man and worthless to others. Outside the town walls, which were usually fortified, you're basically dinner for predators. Two or four legged.
More to the point, I didn't "like" my parents, nor wanted to live under their rules (some young people simply won't tolerate it), so moved 2,250 miles away literally the first chance I got with job prospects lined up, post-undergrad. Back then, kids out of college had a fighting chance if they had gumption and were in a hot field. These days, it's much harder. Unfortunately.
Once I was long gone, the daily phone calls and other BS stopped. We reached a cadence of weekly. Some weeks I couldn't deal with it, or they were busy, which dropped it to semi-monthly. But by and large, they cooled it down when I was gone since I was part of their problem as much as they were mine. Of course.
Weekly calls for an hour or less were plenty, and that's how it rolled to the day each of them died (19 years apart: decades). We'd reached an equilibrium in the relationship.
My cousins have been dead to me for decades. Ran into a bunch at my dad's funeral. Said hi, treated them well-enough, they're back to wherever they came from I guess. Not "disowned," just "mutually-irrelevant."
If you need less, turn that cadence down to less often. Then annually if you need it. Some families do that, which seems a bit banal to me but everyone is different. Family does come in handy more often than not, it's good to know that your blood has your back. Everyone needs a tribe.
You have choices you can make and if you are an adult you will make the choices that are right for you no matter what anyone else thinks about them.
If you do not want to go to the wedding do not go.
If you do not want to hear about all of the drama from your Mother then tell her that you do not want to hear it and change the subject or hang up the phone.
If you want to find peace within yourself regarding the money your Father owes you either tell him you need him to pay you back immediately or consider it a gift and leave it at that.
If you do none of the above then you have no reason to complain because you continue to allow others to dictate how you live your life.
I know I don't have to go to the wedding. Although I'm not particularly fond of my uncle, he is fond of me and I've met his fiancee and she seems nice enough. I'd rather just go and not hurt anyone's feelings.
I've told my mom many times that I don't want to hear her complain about her family, but I know she's just stressed out and wants someone to confide in. Her mother (my grandmother) has some health issues, my mom takes care of her a lot, and my grandmother is a very difficult person to deal with.
There's no point in telling my dad to pay me back immediately when I know he doesn't have the money right now, and our written agreement states that he has until February 2015.
But yeah, it would be nice if everything had a simple fix like you implied.
Oh, he knows he owes me money. We have a written agreement for it to be paid back in full by next February, but I'm not very optimistic at this point.
I've told my mom many times that I don't appreciate the negativity and the verbal abuse, she apologizes, but goes right back to being negative. I don't think she can change without therapy.
your best bet with mom then is to limit your contact with her, period. some suggested once a week, another suggested once a month, i say go longer than that. if she tries to contact you, fine, just limit the length of the contact when she starts to get negative with you. be like, mom i have to go now, i will talk to you later, and then hang up or leave.
So go to the wedding and stay a polite amount of time and go, saying you have another obligation. You said they know you don't have any plans. Why do "they" know this? Do you report your every move to them? If so, stop doing that. You 're giving them the guns and the bullets and are shocked when they use it against you. MAKE UP other plans, if you don't have any.
OP, maybe you should explain the amounts and number of times you've had to bail out your parents. This wasn't just a one-time thing. Tens of thousands of dollars over the years because they are irresponsible.
Sorry, but raising a child does not make me free to borrow any money from my kid.
Even the child has to grow up and learn not to enable such behaviors.
The OP is sitting there wanting everyone else to change their behavior. She's not even taking action to change hers and yet the resentment is on them. Not at herself for continuing the cycle, instead she chose to take a victimized mentality for herself. You see with what the OP says about her mother that she's actually being her mother right now, and venting to us (with the posters as the daughter in this scenario).
I had a hateful response for your parents, but erased it knowing that some people don't ever change no matter how old. I'm sorry for your circumstance and I hope it gets better.
No, I live alone but my parents live less than 10 minutes away. My agreement with dad is that he'll just pay me the lump sum by February, so he isn't paying installments. Not that I wouldn't accept installments but he hasn't paid me anything.
So....your agreement with your dad is that he'll pay a lump sum by February of next year...and yet you are angry with him because he hasn't paid you anything yet? That does not make sense.
You sound very young. There are ways to limit your time with your parents, and you can just say no to going to your uncle's wedding.
When you are older, you may seriously regret it if you just totally disown your parents...I understand being irritated by them, but quite honestly you sound a bit spoiled and selfish.
Just get on with your life, set boundaries and be done with it. And I think it's ridiculous to be griping about money your dad owes you when your agreement does not include "making payments"...I just don't understand that at all.
Your parents do not sound like truly problem people who deserve to be disowned, IMO.
It's no fun to realize you are an orphan...just ask those of us here who have now lost both parents to death...
'disown' implies forever and
Forever is mighty long time,
so I just recommend you busy yourself with your own goals and plans and dreams and challenges
and call them like maybe once a week.
If you want and need each other's company you'll seek it out,
and if you grow and change and don't need their daily feedback and interaction that can be cool too.
I had a hateful response for your parents, but erased it knowing that some people don't ever change no matter how old. I'm sorry for your circumstance and I hope it gets better.
Thank you! My parents have actually been good parents for the most part. I recognize that and I'm grateful for that, but we still have issues so I felt like venting. My mom said something that upset me yesterday (she apologized for it, but she doesn't understand that just because she apologizes doesn't take away from the fact that she said it) and I'm annoyed with her side of the family for various reasons which prompted me to make this thread. I'm not truly disowning anyone...yet.
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