Brother causing problems with kids spending equal time with grandparents and other issues (spouse, siblings)

[convextech]

^^ This is very true. Like I said before, a family with this much dysfunction that a grandmother would care more for one child than another, is not a family, it's a nightmare, and I would at the very least, cut my brother out of my life.

[breeinmo.]

I was ready to say your mom is the problem, till I saw your brother is holding her hostage with seeing her grandson. You're not going to be able to change your selfish crazy brother, and your parents are stuck. Find other babysitters, but go visit as much as you're able, so your daughter has a relationship with her grandparents. That's what's important.

My parents never watched my boys, and I never hired a sitter. Everything we did included them until they were old enough to stay alone. Once in a blue moon, my sister and I would exchange baby sitting services, so we could go out alone with our hubbies.

I wouldn't give up the trip. Take her, or find someone else to watch her. I'd be hurt my mom changed the plan, but I'd realize she has no choice. She cant risk never seeing her grandson. Shame on your brother.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by Spoontasic

Might be a little long winded and jumps around a bit so please bear with me.

My brother and I both have one child each. His son is almost two and my daughter is 9 months. My nephew is my mom's first grandchild. From about age two weeks to 9 months she was my nephew's full time babysitter. My brother's baby's mother ended up really taking advantage of the situation (showing up late or sometimes not at all), so my mom ended up asking her to make other arrangements. This led to a big fallout between everyone involved. My parents ended up being told they couldn't see the baby for months.

My brother and his baby's mother broke up after that while my mom returned to the workforce full-time. Around this time My husband and I found out I was expecting and my brother instantly became jealous of the attention being taken off of his own child. When we found out we were having a girl it seemed like his jealousy went into overtime. Girls aren't very common in our family. His instant assumption was that his son would be pushed to the side. That has not been the case at all.

When my daughter was born he was the only family member to not visit at the hospital. We had problems with the birth so we were there a week. Claimed he was sick and couldn't come. His friends had a baby the same week and at the same hospital. He visited them (on the same floor!). This caused an disagreement among my parents and him recently when they found out. He still doesn't come to visit his niece and avoids situations were the children might be together.

Now that I've given some background these are the sort of issues I am running into:

- My brother has gone back to treating my mom as his own personal nanny (she had to quit her job to help out). There have been times when my mom has offered to have my daughter overnight (we live a distance away) and then cancels because something with my brother came up. He has recently told me he asks her because he knows she will not say no and plays the pity card with my parents (and laughed about it). She can have him for up to days at a time. My parents have had my daughter over for a night once and can go weeks without seeing her due to their schedules.

-My brother has expressed that he does not want her watching them both at the same time. Its unfair to his son to have to share his grandparents attention.

-Several larger toys and items have been purchased for their house for both kids to enjoy. Does not feel like his child should have to share with mine.

-There is a nursery at our parents house and he was very upset that it was done in a neutral theme instead of something he thought his son would enjoy. Feels that because his son is there more often it should he his room.

-My brother becomes quite angry/defensive with our mom or dad anytime they spend time with me or my daughter.


These are just a few of the problems involving my parents directly and they seem to be getting worse.

Today I got a call from my mom regarding an overnight trip to a theme park my brothers, husband, and I are taking to celebrate my husband's birthday in a few days. It lands on a day that my brother's son's mother is supposed to have him so she offered to watch my daughter overnight and for the time we would be gone. Baby's mother can no longer watch him and needs my mom to do so instead. Now she can't keep my daughter and asked if there is anyway I can find someone else in time because of my brother's rule. What is more likely to happen (and has before) is that we will cancel what we are doing and my brother will carry on like nothing is wrong. He will actually go to the theme park on my husband's birthday while we sit at home.

Needless to say that was the final straw for me. We've paid in advance for the hotel rooms and tickets. My husband's birthday, mine, and our wedding anniversary fall all in the same month so this was our way to celebrate all at once. I asked my mom months ago. Why should we be the one's to find alternate arrangements?

Its all just very very very frustrating. More than anything I'm worried for the future. My brother is very friendly at times and can be a very loving person, but I am afraid if this keeps going not addressed he will make a hostile environment for the kids and everyone involved. I don't want my nephew to feel like he is in direct competition against my daughter for affection nor do I want my daughter to feel like her uncle doesn't like her for reasons she can't understand. I know my mom is starting to feel worn out. My dad is starting to resent that my mom just gives into my brother.

I've tried several times to talk to him about the sharing thing and I get shutdown. My mom is willing to bend over backwards for him so I feel like as long as she does that than why should he have to change his attitude about anything. He's getting the results that he wants.

Is there anyway I can address this with my mom and brother that doesn't cause a major fight? Cause if there is I don't see it.

(Sorry if this was a little long winded. I think more than anything its been a lot of held back emotions for me. The babysitting is more of annoyance while everything else is actually really bothering me.)

Your mom did not HAVE to quit her job, she chose to.

If your brother is the one who doesn't want to share grandma, then he is the one who should find a different sitter. If you have no problem with it, and your mom has no problem with it, you shouldn't compromise for him.

Re the trip, if you "reserved" your mom first, then your brother can make other arrangements.

All of this seems like common sense. Why is your mother allowing this to go on? Your brother obviously has some issues, but he is benefiting from all of this silliness, so he continues. Your mom gets nothing out of this, except stress, so why does she continue?

You can't change them and you can't control them. All you can really do is remove yourself from the situation. Find another sitter. Quit relying on your mom. As a result of your brother's silly rules, your mom will miss out on spending time with your child. Maybe she'll realize it and change her ways. It would be ok to tell her what she's doing, too.

And why on earth would your brother go away for a trip when the birthday guy can't even go anymore? This is ridiculous. Your brother no longer has a sitter. I guess he can't go.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by Spoontasic

Thank you for your reply.

There's lots of reasons the enabling is going on. My brother really plays on my mom's emotions and the single parent card a lot. He knows that even if she really doesn't want to watch him all he has to do is say the right thing and she will give in. He has even admitted to downright lying about what he needs her to watch him for. I talked to her after the post and she admitted that she is more afraid of him than she is of me. He takes things harder than I do. Her words being "Even when you are upset with me you have never denied me the right to see your baby. When he gets mad he refuses to even acknowledge I exist." She thinks she is the only stable constant person the little boy is used to seeing, so putting that in jeopardy is upsetting to her.


The ex-GF did have a problem with alcohol. The first fight I mentioned that eventually broke them up was over my family's confrontation of this issue. We had wondered if she had been drinking while my brother was at work at night and possibly drunk driving with the baby. This was confirmed when she showed up to my parent's home to pick the baby up drunk one night.

Honestly I can say that before they broke up my brother was a much more considerate person. Now it's all him him him. After what went down with the whole drunken mother situation I doubt he would ever drink with the baby at home. Do I think he is leaving the baby at my parent's house for days so he can? Its possible.

I think more than anything he just doesn't know or really want to handle the responsibilities on his own.

Well this is just sad. Your mom is in a difficult spot and your brother is a manipulative a-hole.

Still, distance your self from your brother and find alternative babysitters.

[Inkpoe]

Originally Posted by seain dublin

Sounds like there is a history with you and your brother.

I also find it disturbing that it looked like for a while when his baby's mama offered to watch your child
overnight you were OK with that, so that you could all go to theme park. Than BM couldn't do it.

In your next post you mention BM seems to have a drinking problem, and I had to wonder even before you mentioned it what was going on that your brother has custody. That is not the norm.

Because in most cases when the father has custody the mother has serious issues.

Yet you were going to leave YOUR CHILD with this woman overnight.

You read it wrong. BM was never part of the equation, except for the fact that she was supposed to have her son during the theme park deal, therefore freeing up OP's mother to watch her g-daughter.

[Tell-the-Truth]

Just in case you need another voice suggesting that you........

Distance yourself from your brother. Do not shut him out, curse him out, harbor ill-feelings, be unforgiving. If he lives long enough life has a way of humbling us and maturing us, though it takes some longer than others. But this type of mess? I'd have NO time for it! You have a family of your own which should take precedence over the relationship with your sibling and your mother.

Your mother is not likely to change her thinking overnight, though she may get fed up with her son's manipulations and decide to be the wise parent who teaches those she brought into the world....to GROW up!

Remove yourself for the sake of peace! Yours, your immediate family and everyone else involved. Someone is gonna be the first to show some maturity here.........and we hope it's not the children many years from now! You can love your family with the best of your heart and still make wise decisions!

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by seain dublin

Sounds like there is a history with you and your brother.

I also find it disturbing that it looked like for a while when his baby's mama offered to watch your child
overnight you were OK with that, so that you could all go to theme park. Than BM couldn't do it.

In your next post you mention BM seems to have a drinking problem, and I had to wonder even before you mentioned it what was going on that your brother has custody. That is not the norm.

Because in most cases when the father has custody the mother has serious issues.

Yet you were going to leave YOUR CHILD with this woman overnight.

Originally Posted by Inkpoe

You read it wrong. BM was never part of the equation, except for the fact that she was supposed to have her son during the theme park deal, therefore freeing up OP's mother to watch her g-daughter.

Inkpoe beat me to it.

seain dublin, (it is a little confusing, but I 'll try to summarize) the birthmother of OP's nephew was going to watch her own child so that the OP's brother could celebrate the OP's husband's birthday & the OP's anniversary with the family.

Grandmother agreed several months ago to babysit the OP's child so they could celebrate the OP's husband's birthday but cancelled at the last minute to babysit the OP's brother's child (when the birth mother cancelled caring for her own child) so that the brother could attend the theme park weekend.

Now, it turns out that the OP and her husband may not be able to attend the weekend celebration for their own anniversary and his own birthday and the brother may get to go instead.

I can see how that was the "straw that broke the camel's back" for the OP.

[stan4]

Your problem is not just with your brother..
It is also with your parents.

I would cease to allow them to have a relationship with your daughter until they figure out their priorities.

Your brother is an immature lost cause. But he is not forcing your parents to take sides. They are taking his side of their own accord bc they worry about losing their relationship with him and take YOU for granted.

[1stimestar]

Take your baby and go home. You're mom is obviously going to remain an enabler to your brother. I'd be backing away from both of them until they grow up or grow a set of balls.

[convextech]

Frankly, it's beyond me why the OP and her husband even had the brother coming along for the theme park trip at all.