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Some people just don't like talking about this stuff. You guys do live in different states and don't see each other much, correct? So maybe since there's distance and this sort of thing is difficult to talk about, he decided not to say anything. Maybe his conversations with you were a distraction from the grief.
I don't think it would be out of line to call him and say " I was really shocked to just now learn that your Dad passed away a year ago. Why didn't you tell me ?" To me, that would the the normal thing to say to a friend.
Some people just don't like talking about this stuff. You guys do live in different states and don't see each other much, correct? So maybe since there's distance and this sort of thing is difficult to talk about, he decided not to say anything. Maybe his conversations with you were a distraction from the grief.
Than don't post it on FB. That is a total contradiction of what you said. That's absolutely fine if it is too difficult to talk about, but than keep it off the Internet.
Posting it on FB is going to get all kinds of reactions. Including the one from the OP who is understandably surprised they were never told.
You want to be private about your loss, than be private about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by don1945
I don't think it would be out of line to call him and say " I was really shocked to just now learn that your Dad passed away a year ago. Why didn't you tell me ?" To me, that would the the normal thing to say to a friend.
Don
Agree, pick up the phone and call. I might word it a little differently and include an "I'm so sorry, I just now found out on FB, I wish you had told me".
What is wrong with direct communication these days?
I don't think it would be out of line to call him and say " I was really shocked to just now learn that your Dad passed away a year ago. Why didn't you tell me ?" To me, that would the the normal thing to say to a friend.
Than don't post it on FB. That is a total contradiction of what you said. That's absolutely fine if it is too difficult to talk about, but than keep it off the Internet.
Posting it on FB is going to get all kinds of reactions. Including the one from the OP who is understandably surprised they were never told.
You want to be private about your loss, than be private about it.
Agree, pick up the phone and call. I might word it a little differently and include an "I'm so sorry, I just now found out on FB, I wish you had told me".
What is wrong with direct communication these days?
I'm not the one who said anything about posting it on Facebook. Ruth4Truth was the one who talked about posting it on Facebook, not me. If you're going to quote me, get your information straight first.
If he told you, it would seem like he was looking for pity. It has nothing to do with you. He just doesn't run his business online. Call him and express sympathy.
I don't think it would be out of line to call him and say " I was really shocked to just now learn that your Dad passed away a year ago. Why didn't you tell me ?" To me, that would the the normal thing to say to a friend.
Don
This is not appropriate to say. Your friend is the one who suffered a terrible loss. This statement is all about YOU. Why didn't YOU tell me..... I was shocked...... It also puts your friend on the defensive, as if he was obligated to tell you. You have probably never had the experience of having a parent die at an early age, am I right? Unless you have, you probably cannot relate to what he has gone through.
You actually are not very close with your friend right now. Even though college is still a vivid memory, you guys are long distance casual friends.
I completely agree that you should reach out to him, if you care about you. You should NOT post a condolence on Facebook. That is just.... ugh..... You should call him and say...
"I am so sorry to hear about your Dad." That's it. Let him talk. If he doesn't, don't put him on this spot. If he does talk, it is lovely to say something nice about his Dad, and recall a nice memory where he was there. Maybe try to go visit him this year. Call him again next month, and ask how he is doing. Don't forget him.
Do you really think he should have had the extra burden of calling every friend he knew from college and tell them? And then have to talk it through... answer nosey questions again and again and again. You are owed nothing for him. He is the one who may have suffered through something awful. It is terrible when a parent dies young, and none of your friends have any idea what it can be like.
And maybe think back on what your conversations with your friend were actually like over the past couple years.... Did you ever ask any REAL questions about him, his family, his worries, his fears.... Maybe there is a reason why he didn't think you could handle this information or support him during this hard time.
I had a similar situation happen to me when I was in college.
I had a long time friend that I had known since 2nd grade. We'd been good friends up through 8th grade, then drifted apart a bit in 9th-12th because our high school was so big and we didn't see each other much anymore. However, I'd spent countless times at his parents house growing up, sleepovers, camp, baseball teams, etc.
His dad was a bit older, my friend was "an accident."
We went off to the same college and decided to be roommates in the dorm for our freshman year. For sophomore year I moved to an apt, he decided to stay in the dorms with another friend of his for his freshman year. Saw each other every now and then during college, then after graduation I moved back to Dallas. My parents lived just a block or two away from his parents, so when I was back I decided to stop by and say hi.
Now, about 99% of the time when I was ever at their house, his dad was on the couch, watching tv. He was retired even when I was a kid. This particular visit, he was not on the couch. My friends mom invited me in, was glad to see me, etc. We were talking for a bit and Bob never came out to say hi or anything, so I asked where he was.
My friend's mom started tearing up and said that he had died. I felt horrible for asking, but I had no clue. My friend never said a word, apparently he had died right before graduation.
After that it became clear that my friend was trying to distance himself from most of his old friends, didn't want to hang out with us or have anything to do with us. None of us really ever figured out why, but for me, I was ok with that after how horrible I felt for sticking my foot in my mouth when visiting his mother. I still feel bad about it, and this was almost 20 years ago.
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That is a total contradiction of what you said. That's absolutely fine if it is too difficult to talk about, but than keep it off the Internet.
