Friends who only call when they need something

[hunterseat]

In my world that would also be called my youngest child.

[DagnyT63]

Originally Posted by Giesela

The only way to straighten this out is to communicate.

Tell her honestly and don't hold back - I want to be as good a friends as adults as we always were, or thought we were, but it seems to me that you just rely on that old friendship as a backup now, to do things you don't want to bother your other friends with. I feel used. The friendship doesn't feel equal, I feel like I'm more emotionally committed than you and it hurts.
Ask her what kind of friendship do you think we have and what kind of friendship do you want to have? Ask her to answer honestly please even if its unpleasant, and it might be. You may be doing something that bothers her. It may not seem true to you but you will both have to commit to the idea that even if she things what you feel is wrong and vice versa that the other persons truth must be addressed even if you think its wrong, to stay friends.
You have to be ready to reply honestly too. If you can't both say ok - I don't see that but I want this to be a strong friendship and will work on what you say regardless - then............ tell her you care for her, that you want to be friends but that it feels terrible to feel used and if she isn't willing to help work on those feelings with you that you will have to limit your friendship based on what she gives. You will be as good a friends as she ACTS towards you. Actions speak louder than words.

You could just ask her out for coffee and bring it up or wait till the next big favor or invite. If you wait make sure she doesn't make it all about not wanting to do the favor.

I personally am terrible at these kinds of conversations. My inability to confront (not the same as confrontational) and be honest about potential hurtful things has led me to walk away from many relationships that could have perhaps been saved. Its an important adult ability to do this, please don't be like me. At least try to work out and save a friendship. If it doesn't work out at least you tried. And it may pave the way for her to come back someday if she ever realizes that you were right about her behavior.

I am normally SO in favor of just being honest. Problem is, this has gone on long enough that I'd be going back years to explain it all, LOL. It's my own fault, I know. Also, what it boils down to is I will call her and set plans, I will drive to see her, I will get a sitter to go do things with her (she doesn't have kids and doesn't really like them) but she never invites me to do anything. I've told her that I can't go out because I can't afford a sitter anymore, but she can come over and I'll make her dinner and we can talk while the kids are occupied with their toys or asleep and still all she says is "let's meet up sometime".

I guess I could just tell her "look, the last 4 times we saw each other, I drove to YOU, now it's your turn" But that seems so childish!

[Giesela]

Its been a hard lesson so NO do not worry about being childish. Say what you feel when you feel it. Its the only way. Sure you can put it out there with some diplomacy or grace, not with judgement or blame but still the truth. Then the ball is in her court.
It doesn't have to be a big heavy thing - just 'hey I'd love to see you and its your turn, i've been over there the last 4 times'. Just casual.

In some ways it isn't fair to her to not let her know how you feel. How can she fix if you don't? is it fair to her to just cut her off mad and be mad and she'll never know why?

So many here always advise - just dump the narcissist. I think relationships are far more important and deserve an honest open chance. If it doesn't work. ok. People so quick to throw other people away make me wonder who the narcissists really are. Part of this is about you. You doing what you think is right and knowing, if it changes the relationship, ends it or maybe mends it, that you did the right thing.

[cpg35223]

We've got one of those. Although, I really don't characterize her as a friend. More like an acquaintance. She is a first-class user of people. Examples?

1. Borrowed our lawnmower. Ran over a rock and bent the shaft. Wheeled it back into my garage like nothing had happened.

2. Borrowed our vacuum cleaner. Her maid broke it. Apologized but didn't offer to pay for the repairs.

3. Landed a job at a company where her direct report was my sister. Mind you, my sister has a difficult personality. So this woman came to me for advice on how best to work with my sister. I gave her some good advice. A few months later, she gets into a dustup with her and shouts, "Hell, even your brother doesn't like you."

First, not true in the least. In fact, I was pretty even handed about the advice I gave. Second, she dragged me into an argument at her office. Bad, bad move. It took two years for me to make things right with my sister.

4. We don't hear from her for a while, chiefly because she's laying low because of #3. So out of the blue, she e-mails me wanting my help on a rather long project that would entail no payment -- essentially my doing all the work. I decline with a polite e-mail, but give her three-four pages of advice on what to do and how to do it. No reply, as if she had said, "Oh, well. I'm moving on to the next sucker."

5. Same thing a couple of months ago. She was getting back into real estate and sends me an e-mail out of the blue: "Hey. I'm getting my head shots made and this photographer wants to charge me $100. That's outrageous! Do you know anyone who can do it for free?" I wrote back and told her that $100 was a bargain. No reply.

6. When we lived next door to her, she was always cajoling potential boyfriends into doing her yard work and the whatnot.

She was always borrowing stuff from us and not bringing it back and always hitting up MrsCPG for advice. But if we needed something or another, no dice.

So, I'm not her friend. I tolerate her. MrsCPG is much more generous. Every time she commits one of her outrages, MrsCPG says, "Well, it's not worth losing a friend over." Some friend. I don't need friends such as that.

[KeraKera]

You don't sound like a immature, pouting child, you're just taking a mature look at what you thought was a friendship.

You haven't given up on her because you have hope.

Many times, the 'offending' party just doesn't get it. Have you spoken with her about your feelings and thoughts? I must say while this is the way to go about this situation, don't be surprised if she diminishes your feelings about what's bothering you. People get defensive when they are called out on things that need improvement.

I have let go of several friendships that were very one sided. It takes me a while, but when I am done with you, I am done. My last friendship I let go of was from the realization that if it wasn't for me calling, coming by, making plans, etc, then it wouldn't happen. This girl got to the point of only contacting me when she needed medical or beauty advice.

I realized I am a good friend and deserve what I am putting out so, I left her alone. She called me recently but I didn't answer. She didn't leave a message. I knew it was another medical advice or beauty advice type call.