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I've got a friend that I've known since we were kids. She probably knows me better than anyone else and when we are together we always have fun, but the one-sidedness of our friendship has reached epic levels. I have helped her do things at her company for free, helped her move, gone to visit her in the hospital (she lives about 45 min away), given her ideas to expand her business, hidden vehicles at my house from the bank looking to foreclose on her farm and I've supported her at every turn.
Here's what she's done for me: She picked me up at the hospital once when I went to the ER and was sent home on meds so I couldn't drive (hubby at home with kids). And she agreed to pet-sit my dog once in her home while I was out of town and the day before I left told me she backed out and gave me her friend's phone number.
She often makes comments that she misses me and wants to hang out and I keep inviting her to my house because times are tight right now and I can't afford a sitter just to go out to dinner with her. She never agrees to come. She invited me to come and watch her work this weekend but when I told her my kids might not behave at her work so she could come to my place she just says "Sure! Soon!". And nothing comes of it.
The only time she invites me is when her MULTITUDE of other friends can't come to her for whatever reason. Most of the time she says she misses me and is too busy to hang out but then posts pics on FB of all the fabulous things she's doing with her other kids.
Yes I realize I sound like an immature, pouting child.
So here's the question: I know I should just "break up" with her (for lack of a better word for a friendship) but why haven't I? Why do I have to be this pathetic wimp who feels wounded about this?
You probably love your friend too much to let her go.
I had this one friend back in 2009ish. We were friends for about 5 years up to that point. I considered her one of my best friends if not my best friend. We had alot in common and her and I never ran out of things to talk about. She was one of the best person I have ever met.
Well, she befriended some group of women that I thought were bad influences. Of course I didn't say anything because it's not my place to do so. Slowly but surely, she started to change; she only called me if she wanted something. One time, she asked me to do a ridiculous favor for her which greatly inconvenienced me. However, since she was my friend and she would do the same for me, I decided to do that favor for her; under one condition-if she doesn't ask me for a favor for the rest of the year. The next day, she called me really early in the morning to ask me if I could take her to the store. I reminded her of her promise, and she said, "oh, you expect me to keep my word?"
Later on that year, I finally asked her for a favor; a favor that would benefit us both. She said that she will look into it. I really wanted this favor bad so I continued to do favors for her until I got what I wanted. ( i know, it's wrong to do favors for her so she could do one for me) After countless weeks of failed promises, I decided that she'll never deliver on the goods and she was selfish. She only asks me for favors but never intends to help me out when I needed it.
So the end of the day, I got rid of her because she became poison to me. I don't know why she thought that she could use me to that extent. I know that my behavior allowed it to some extent, but she flat out abused my kindness. Anyway OP, if you feel like she's poison, cut her out. I would say confront her, but people are good at telling you what you want to hear and say they'll change their actions, but to no avail, they don't.
OP---To me, you don't sound like "an immature, pouting child". Nor are you a "pathetic wimp" for feeling wounded.
I think that good friends are there for one another. A good friend is someone you can count on when the chips are down---not someone who only calls when she wants something.
I've had that happen with a couple of people I thought were friends. When things went downhill, it started this way---I became the one who always initiated contact. At that point, they only called when they wanted something. And, yes, it is hurtful when this happens.
In both cases, I just stopped calling both of them. I believe in being there for your friends but when they only call because they want something, well...for me, that's the end.
Of course you feel wounded and used. It's hard to "break up" especially when you considered someone to be a good friend.
My suggestion---just stop calling her. If she calls, don't pick up the phone. In time, she will get the message.
I have had friends who I only heard from when they needed something, one moved 25 miles away and we kept in touch by email, made plans to get together which they cancelled at the last minute, but now it's at the point where I never hear from them anymore.
If I were you I will help when she need the help. People like that I compare to dark. And be the candle in the dark for them. Good deeds you do will remain with you and you will treated by KARMA in better way. Don't change your self who you are because of other being selfish or pathetic or what so ever the reason. I felt the same way towards to a friend some time ago by the time pass I am fine.
Thats it. It is what it is now. The reality of it is what you see.
So you remember the good ol days but now you both really dont get together, i guess the memories are the glue keeping you together.
so if you are feeling used, do you want to continue? if you say no, will she get hostile? do you feel used? is it one sided? is this relationship going anywhere? do you mind? do you feel worse or better after being with her or being overlooked by her?
when you can answer these questions, then you know what to do.
I think it may be over and just keep your memories, or if nothing, just keep a distance and get together whenever, but dont do more for that person than you wish in order that you dont feel taken advantaged of.
OP - I am in a very similar boat. I know exactly what you mean. I can't manage to "break up" bcs we have such a long history and have been there for each other through a lot of stuff. Like one of the other posters said, it's the memories that are holding me in the friendship. In captivity, is more like it. Our conversations are all about logistics at this point. Which is painful, but I keep helping out anyway. Well, it's a little more complicated. She needs help with her son, who lives near me, so I'm stepping up to the plate again and again. I can't take my frustration with my friend out on the kid. I love the kid. But there is a part of me that wants to lash out because I do feel like the only time we have contact is when she needs something.
The advice about stopping contact, while probably sound, is so difficult to implement!!! Please keep us posted on the outcome of your situation.
The only way to straighten this out is to communicate.
Tell her honestly and don't hold back - I want to be as good a friends as adults as we always were, or thought we were, but it seems to me that you just rely on that old friendship as a backup now, to do things you don't want to bother your other friends with. I feel used. The friendship doesn't feel equal, I feel like I'm more emotionally committed than you and it hurts.
Ask her what kind of friendship do you think we have and what kind of friendship do you want to have? Ask her to answer honestly please even if its unpleasant, and it might be. You may be doing something that bothers her. It may not seem true to you but you will both have to commit to the idea that even if she things what you feel is wrong and vice versa that the other persons truth must be addressed even if you think its wrong, to stay friends.
You have to be ready to reply honestly too. If you can't both say ok - I don't see that but I want this to be a strong friendship and will work on what you say regardless - then............ tell her you care for her, that you want to be friends but that it feels terrible to feel used and if she isn't willing to help work on those feelings with you that you will have to limit your friendship based on what she gives. You will be as good a friends as she ACTS towards you. Actions speak louder than words.
You could just ask her out for coffee and bring it up or wait till the next big favor or invite. If you wait make sure she doesn't make it all about not wanting to do the favor.
I personally am terrible at these kinds of conversations. My inability to confront (not the same as confrontational) and be honest about potential hurtful things has led me to walk away from many relationships that could have perhaps been saved. Its an important adult ability to do this, please don't be like me. At least try to work out and save a friendship. If it doesn't work out at least you tried. And it may pave the way for her to come back someday if she ever realizes that you were right about her behavior.
Situations like this make it clear to see why the world mostly operates via business transactions that involve contracts and money exchanged for goods/services. This is necessary because when it all comes down to it, without contracts and equal exchange of goods/services, people are fundamentally selfish and will always seek to get as much out of someone as possible.
Situations like this make it clear to see why the world mostly operates via business transactions that involve contracts and money exchanged for goods/services. This is necessary because when it all comes down to it, without contracts and equal exchange of goods/services, people are fundamentally selfish and will always seek to get as much out of someone as possible.
This is one of the more insightful posts I've read here on these boards. Good observation.
To the OP, just slowly drift away from your fake friend or friend of convenience. I've been in similar situations. This one person once said to me, "I was supposed to have dinner with my friends tonight but I couldn't go, that's why I'm here." And the same person would initiate meet ups but as soon as the fake clown asked for a favor would say "so what are you gonna do now" and take off. Fake to the core. You need to get rid of such people either slowly or sometimes bluntly and abruptly.
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