Long-Distance Friendships Become Stale? (wife, husband, talks, person)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Over a year ago, my closest friend moved 6 hours away for a job opportunity. He lives with his wife and two daughters, the youngest of which was born in May.
I think the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" might be applicable when it comes to long-distance friends. Not only is he far away, but he has 2 kids to worry about, and it seems the only time he can squeeze into his schedule to call me these days is during his drive home from work. As soon as he arrives, he tells me he has to hang up, but will call me later (which he never does).
I have come to realize that I am not a long distance kind of guy. Before I got married, I always refused to enter into romantic relationships with women who traveled around a lot. I like having those I'm closest to nearby-- or else I lose interest.
I can't identify with the life stage he's in currently (kids) because I haven't had any of my own. He's now a family man with little time to spare for a social life, which, in my eyes, makes him a little boring and out of touch.
Because of life circumstances, the friendship is leaving a lot to be desired. I just feel bored talking once or twice every week for 15 minutes. I want more out of the friendship and feel I am ready to move on and meet new friends.
Has this ever happened to you with a friend? Is it normal for distance to make the friendship seem less appealing/worth putting effort into?
Last edited by Wordsmith12; 10-05-2014 at 01:17 AM..
Many times in my life I've had people who moved away and eventually stopped making an effort to stay in touch. Sometimes I realized that we both had drifted apart. Other times, I was genuinely hurt and perplexed when someone abruptly cut off contact...
Each friendship is different. Some have a strong friendship bond that can endure distance as well as life changes (marrying, having kids, etc.) Other friendships get to the point to where there is once a year contact through Xmas cards.
All that said, my Godmother was my mother's best friend. They met in HS and stayed friends to the end. My Godmother didn't marry until she was 39 and never had kids. Her life was so different from my mothers in that she had a job that I considered to be awesome. Despite each of them going in different life directions, they kept in touch with each other. I always felt that my mother was fortunate to have a lifelong friend, considering that my mother was (to put it mildly) a very difficult person.
As for me, when someone moves and cuts off contact, if I feel that the feeling is mutual that we are drifting apart, I let the friendship go. However, I've had people I thought were really good friends who stopped staying in touch.
Perhaps your friend is feeling the same way as you are when it comes to the friendship.
BTW, there is no reason that you can't "move on and meet new friends" and simultaneously maintain a long distance friendship.
Some times it happen, it is different when some one move far. May be your friend got no time for social life any more with new place new atmosphere,it happened to me too at the beginning I was worried but now I am not worrying if some one does not keep in touch. Because if they don;t want to maintain a friend ship why should I bother. I know it sounds rude but move on.
This sounds as if this is your only friend. If that is the case, then maintain the friendship on a superficial level and go out and make more local friends.
I don't what you expect of him when you say you don't want a relationship that is only 15-20 minutes of talking once or twice a week.
A grown man with a wife, job and children is not going to talk to you on the phone every day. He's not going to spend every weekend driving back to where you live to hang out with you.
You and he are at different points in your life. He has priorities that come way before you. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be your friend. But it does mean he can't focus on you.
It's time for you to realize that there is both physical distance and life styles differences between the two of you now. Accept that and move on. Find friends who can offer you whatever it is you're seeking in a friendship.
This sounds as if this is your only friend. If that is the case, then maintain the friendship on a superficial level and go out and make more local friends.
I don't what you expect of him when you say you don't want a relationship that is only 15-20 minutes of talking once or twice a week.
A grown man with a wife, job and children is not going to talk to you on the phone every day. He's not going to spend every weekend driving back to where you live to hang out with you.
You and he are at different points in your life. He has priorities that come way before you. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to be your friend. But it does mean he can't focus on you.
It's time for you to realize that there is both physical distance and life styles differences between the two of you now. Accept that and move on. Find friends who can offer you whatever it is you're seeking in a friendship.
You're right a grown man with a wife, kids, and a job isn't going to be able to talk everyday. But he could put some time aside(rather than just these drive home calls) a couple of times a month to catch up.
JMO, I think he is using the OP as "filler" for the drive home a couple of times a week. He tells the OP he will call back later and never does. That doesn't say too much about this friend.
If this person was interested in maintaining the friendship they could find the time when they're home in the evening to have a conversation on the phone a couple of times a month, rather than these drive home talks that end as soon as he hits the driveway.
It reminds me of other stories on CD where people say they only hear from someone when they want something or have time to kill so they call, than say :"oh I am in the doctor's office, they just called my name, gotta go".
I agree that the OP should start looking for some new friends in the area.
I've had a hard time keeping up with close friends over the years who live about 1-2 hours away drive. Life changes all of us over time, a growing family plus a job can keep most everyone too busy, and you decide to move on knowing these changes. It sounds like you should do the same, look elsewhere for friends.
Over a year ago, my closest friend moved 6 hours away for a job opportunity. He lives with his wife and two daughters, the youngest of which was born in May.
I think the phrase "out of sight, out of mind" might be applicable when it comes to long-distance friends. Not only is he far away, but he has 2 kids to worry about, and it seems the only time he can squeeze into his schedule to call me these days is during his drive home from work. As soon as he arrives, he tells me he has to hang up, but will call me later (which he never does).
I have come to realize that I am not a long distance kind of guy. Before I got married, I always refused to enter into romantic relationships with women who traveled around a lot. I like having those I'm closest to nearby-- or else I lose interest.
I can't identify with the life stage he's in currently (kids) because I haven't had any of my own. He's now a family man with little time to spare for a social life, which, in my eyes, makes him a little boring and out of touch.
Because of life circumstances, the friendship is leaving a lot to be desired. I just feel bored talking once or twice every week for 15 minutes. I want more out of the friendship and feel I am ready to move on and meet new friends.
Has this ever happened to you with a friend? Is it normal for distance to make the friendship seem less appealing/worth putting effort into?
This is what I enjoy most about Facebook. One of my oldest and closest friends lives in Oklahoma. I live in PA. We used to spend time together nearly every day, mostly horseback riding. Now she has a husband and a ranch of her own. Even though it has been 8 years since she moved away we are still very good friends. We don't talk on the phone much. We just follow each other on FB and have the occasional private chat. When she comes for a visit we get together for lunch and a trail ride.
Meanwhile she and I have other friends and our own lives to live and don't need to be constantly entertained by one another in order for the friendship to endure.
I think that when you have a really really good friendship you don't have to talk to each other every day or be involved in every aspect of a person's life. A true friendship is one where you can go months or years without speaking to or seeing each other, but when you do you pick up right where you left off as if no time has passed.
This is what I enjoy most about Facebook. One of my oldest and closest friends lives in Oklahoma. I live in PA. We used to spend time together nearly every day, mostly horseback riding. Now she has a husband and a ranch of her own. Even though it has been 8 years since she moved away we are still very good friends. We don't talk on the phone much. We just follow each other on FB and have the occasional private chat. When she comes for a visit we get together for lunch and a trail ride.
Meanwhile she and I have other friends and our own lives to live and don't need to be constantly entertained by one another in order for the friendship to endure.
I think that when you have a really really good friendship you don't have to talk to each other every day or be involved in every aspect of a person's life. A true friendship is one where you can go months or years without speaking to or seeing each other, but when you do you pick up right where you left off as if no time has passed.
A lot of what you say is true in regards to picking up where you left off, however I don't consider "following people on FB" as keeping in touch.
Either you're interested in making time for certain people in your life or you aren't. If someone who lives long distance can't be bothered to talk on the phone every once in awhile or have direct email contact than don't bother.
But looking at what they had for lunch last Tuesday on FB, or looking at pictures of their trip that you didn't even know they were taking isn't keeping in touch.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
