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It could be that you do have a good relationship, but if there is something going on between him and his spouse, or his spouse no longer wants to make the trip, he may not want to tell you this to "protect" his spouse from the hard feelings it may create in his family.
My wife and I have done virtually the same thing every Christmas for 15 years, as far as where we go, who we spend it with, and how long the trip lasts.
Long story short...I made a strong suggestion that I need us to do something different this year.
Well, you would have thought I kicked a baby in the teeth by the reaction of some parts of the extended family.
So I'm throwing out there that it's possible the brother is being completely reasonable and the OP is reacting immaturely.
Difference: Brother didn't make a suggestion, or solicit opinions. Brother made an announcement.
I would've been open to change if asked, not announced. Especially regarding the holiday they traditionally hosted.
I suspect "reasonable" lies somewhere between how I've felt, and how my brother handled the issue.
I don't know how you expect an honest assessment of the situation with our opinion when you don't divulge the root cause of the problem.
That being said... Most families are important to have around. I say most, because there are definitely people who have family that you don't want to associate at all with, and it's better to not have to deal with their drug/alcohol/cheating/lying/borrowing/stealing/felony problems. You might want to figure out whether it's best that you don't all get together for the holidays, and the reasons why. Your brother obviously has.
It is hard to divulge root causes and family dynamics on a forum. I could write a book, and not cover all dynamics. And we're a pretty normal family. Despite that, this thread is giving me the varying perspectives I hoped to receive on how people would react.
I find this entire issue to be about control, your need to control him. I don't expect my brother to do everything my way. If he decides to join the family for an event...fine...if not, fine too. I would be happy for him and his family to join the group for dinner and leave it at that.
Exactly. Can you not just accept his position and wish him well? It seems to be about him, now you.
My extended family (parents, brother and I including spouses, etc) have two long standing annual get togethers. Brother hosts Thanksgiving, I host Labor Day. As I was arranging for my annual event my brother called me and said "Don't bother. We can't make that weekend. And, by the way, we won't be hosting our annual event any longer."
As time went by I got some details from him as to why, and politely expressed my frustration over how he had dealt with the situation. We agreed that this year he would come to my house for Thanksgiving on Wed evening-Sat. morning. He is now reneging on this, and will only come Thursday afternoon-Sat. morning. FYI-Due to 6 hour travel times this means he will be effectively spending only one day at the event.
Frankly, it feels like he is coming strictly out of a sense of perfunctory duty.
I am torn as to how to react. I don't want someone at my table that isn't as excited to see me as I am to see them.
What would you do?
The very first things that I thought of were, Hmmm, so his spouse never gets to spend Thanksgiving with her relatives? So, your brother and his wife and children never get to spend Thanksgiving alone with just their immediate family?
And, how long did people stay at his house for Thanksgiving? If you are upset that he & his family are only staying from Thursday afternoon until Saturday morning, did that mean that people stayed at his house for days?
The problem with long standing "traditions" are that things change over time. Children get older and their activities and interests change. Adults change jobs. Finances & health can change (sometimes suddenly and dramatically). It could be any number of things, from financial problems, to marital problems, to just being tired of always hosting (what seems to be) a multi-day family reunion. Perhaps, it is just as simple as people were constantly criticizing the cooking or his hosting or he just felt "taken advantage of" because no one else helped clean up.
My siblings and I and our families have held a "last name Christmas" together for about 35 years. For about a decade it was the held the second Sunday in January, but then that date became inconvenient for some of us and we started celebrating "Christmas" the first weekend that was good for all of us, sometimes in late January or even February. Then my sister retired and moved to Arizona in the winter so we held our annual "Christmas" celebration in late April when she returned to the Midwest. Later that became a problem with so many children and grandchildren in college so we now have our annual "Family Christmas" on a Saturday in summer.
It would have been ridiculous for us to continue holding it on a certain date "just because of tradition". Our first years it was just four siblings and our spouses and three or four children. Now it is still the same four siblings and our spouses, plus children and their spouses plus numerous grandchildren. Two years ago we had "immediate" family who came from six or seven states to attend. Just something for you (and other readers to think about).
Situations change and families need to change with them.
Even the most "normal" families often get very amped up about the holidays, and how to spend them. It just happens.
I find it a bit curious you characterize the conflict as being about "long-term (10+ years) extended family events" because to me that implies that the issue of how to spend holidays hasn't been discussed for 10+ years. On some level this (not discussing) isn't necessarily a characteristic of a healthy arrangement.
Even the most "normal" families often get very amped up about the holidays, and how to spend them. It just happens.
I find it a bit curious you characterize the conflict as being about "long-term (10+ years) extended family events" because to me that implies that the issue of how to spend holidays hasn't been discussed for 10+ years. On some level this (not discussing) isn't necessarily a characteristic of a healthy arrangement.
Interesting perspective-could be correct. I'll have to think about that. But-remember-there was no discussion about changes either. Decision was unilateral with no input from other involved parties. And I rolled with it. It is the recent shortening of planned upcoming visit that caused me to seek opinions.
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that I need us to do something different this year.
