Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm a 34 year old married woman and I have been at odds with my family (particularly my mother) my entire life. A little background: My mother was pregnant with me at the age of 22. My biological father wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't and he signed away his parental rights to me. She married the man whom adopted and raised me. I always considered him my father. They then had two more children together - a girl and boy.
Unfortunatley my mother always directed her anger at me. When I was a child I was always the first to blame for anything that happened between my siblings and I. Even things as little as some cookies that someone ate, she would blame and yell at me, even when I insisted I didn't eat them. I was the only one of her children she spanked and she hit me often up until my late teens. She really put a lot of her energy and focus into my sister, whom she put on a pedestal. This caused a lot of friction between my sister and I. I was very jealous of the attention and praise she received from my mother. I wasn't invited to my sister's graduation party, bachlorette party or rehearsal dinner. I barely made it to her bridal shower and wedding. My sister sides with my mother and my mother is very good at playing the victim to everything in regards to me. My mother has always alienated me from family events if her and I are not getting along. Unfortunatley no one will stand up for me. She gets them all to gather around her.
I tried for many years to get some kind of bond with my siblings aside from my mother but they just weren't interested. The only time I see them is at my parents house for Christmas or other holidays. When we do visit my parents my mother dominates the conversation by talking about all her medical ailments. There are a few months out of the year that there will be some "peace" between my mother and I, but its usually only if I put up with her crap. That means doing things on her terms and biting my tongue. The only time I can really remember her being very pleasant and loving towards me was the week of my wedding 2 years ago. We have invited my parents up to visit my husband and I at our home, we live about an hour away. The last 2-3 times we invited them, my mother canceled. Then when I expressed my anger at the fact that she never wants to come up to our place she says "I'm the mother, you should come to my house, thats the way it goes"
Most of the time she is judgemental or feeling bad for herself. It got to the point that I remain quiet at their home just to not be yelled at or reprimanded for saying something "wrong". My husband and I visited for my father's birthday last month and as I was sitting talking with my dad, my mother YELLS from the kitchen "Molly - You will not change the channel on the TV, They are watching the game"..totally random. This stems back from when I was a child and wanted to watch something, I was often told no because "It wasn't my house and I didn't pay the bills"..
I have spent most if not all of my 34 years defending myself to her and the rest of my family. When I arrive at her house or go to leave, she wants a hug from me and I just dont feel comfortable. I hate that I feel that way, but I'm so riddled with anger and frustration that I don't want to be touched.
My husband went to visit my parents last weekend. I shouldn't have gone because I was miserable the entire visit and was short with my mother. This then resulted in angry calls and text messages between us. I told my mother that relationships are a two way street and most of the time I feel that I'm doing the work. I also told her I have a lot of resentment from the past. She decided to taking my calls and blocked my number. I called my father yesterday and he said she has spent the night before crying and was very upset about the situation. So I asked him to ask her if she wanted to meet me alone and we could talk about things. He said he would ask but that he didn't really want to. I then get a text from my father last night saying that she is not interested in meeting with me and that I should get over whatever issues I have because "There is nothing wrong with the way she is"..
My husband is tired of hearing this after 4 years and I'm tired of living it after 34 years, so I have decided to sever all contact with my family. It makes me sad that it has to be this way but at the same time I don't know what its like to have unconditional love and support from them, so I don't feel I will be missing out on anything. I'm thinking about getting into therapy. But I have a lot of guilt.
I'm a 34 year old married woman and I have been at odds with my family (particularly my mother) my entire life. A little background: My mother was pregnant with me at the age of 22. My biological father wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't and he signed away his parental rights to me. She married the man whom adopted and raised me. I always considered him my father. They then had two more children together - a girl and boy.
Unfortunatley my mother always directed her anger at me. When I was a child I was always the first to blame for anything that happened between my siblings and I. Even things as little as some cookies that someone ate, she would blame and yell at me, even when I insisted I didn't eat them. I was the only one of her children she spanked and she hit me often up until my late teens. She really put a lot of her energy and focus into my sister, whom she put on a pedestal. This caused a lot of friction between my sister and I. I was very jealous of the attention and praise she received from my mother. I wasn't invited to my sister's graduation party, bachlorette party or rehearsal dinner. I barely made it to her bridal shower and wedding. My sister sides with my mother and my mother is very good at playing the victim to everything in regards to me. My mother has always alienated me from family events if her and I are not getting along. Unfortunatley no one will stand up for me. She gets them all to gather around her.
I tried for many years to get some kind of bond with my siblings aside from my mother but they just weren't interested. The only time I see them is at my parents house for Christmas or other holidays. When we do visit my parents my mother dominates the conversation by talking about all her medical ailments. There are a few months out of the year that there will be some "peace" between my mother and I, but its usually only if I put up with her crap. That means doing things on her terms and biting my tongue. The only time I can really remember her being very pleasant and loving towards me was the week of my wedding 2 years ago. We have invited my parents up to visit my husband and I at our home, we live about an hour away. The last 2-3 times we invited them, my mother canceled. Then when I expressed my anger at the fact that she never wants to come up to our place she says "I'm the mother, you should come to my house, thats the way it goes"
Most of the time she is judgemental or feeling bad for herself. It got to the point that I remain quiet at their home just to not be yelled at or reprimanded for saying something "wrong". My husband and I visited for my father's birthday last month and as I was sitting talking with my dad, my mother YELLS from the kitchen "Molly - You will not change the channel on the TV, They are watching the game"..totally random. This stems back from when I was a child and wanted to watch something, I was often told no because "It wasn't my house and I didn't pay the bills"..
I have spent most if not all of my 34 years defending myself to her and the rest of my family. When I arrive at her house or go to leave, she wants a hug from me and I just dont feel comfortable. I hate that I feel that way, but I'm so riddled with anger and frustration that I don't want to be touched.
My husband went to visit my parents last weekend. I shouldn't have gone because I was miserable the entire visit and was short with my mother. This then resulted in angry calls and text messages between us. I told my mother that relationships are a two way street and most of the time I feel that I'm doing the work. I also told her I have a lot of resentment from the past. She decided to taking my calls and blocked my number. I called my father yesterday and he said she has spent the night before crying and was very upset about the situation. So I asked him to ask her if she wanted to meet me alone and we could talk about things. He said he would ask but that he didn't really want to. I then get a text from my father last night saying that she is not interested in meeting with me and that I should get over whatever issues I have because "There is nothing wrong with the way she is"..
My husband is tired of hearing this after 4 years and I'm tired of living it after 34 years, so I have decided to sever all contact with my family. It makes me sad that it has to be this way but at the same time I don't know what its like to have unconditional love and support from them, so I don't feel I will be missing out on anything. I'm thinking about getting into therapy. But I have a lot of guilt.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you.
I went through this and it was difficult. My Mother caused my son, her grandson to have a nervous breakdown. She prevented my Downs Syndrome Aunt who was having difficulty breathing from getting medical help. I think to hurt me. A Doctor friend of mine got involved. If he hadn't, I'd have needed to contact ADult Protective Serivices. She banned me from seeing my Aunt (she lives in a care home) the Care Provider threatens to call the Police when I visit. She says my mom won't let me see my Aunt, which is true. It was all instigated by my Mom.My Mother lies ALOT, not much has been true. I had no idea..cause the family was so dysfunctional and revolved around her that we never spoke to see the descrepancies. Meaning all the lies. You see when you are friends with your siblings, then if your mom is a sociopath, then she has already told many lies about you and others which automatically come into play. You first think they are misunderstandings. Btw, as I type, my heart rate increases so I am just trying to get thru this long post. Sorry for the misspellings.
So her ultimate fear, is you communicating with your siblings. Because then her side aka lies, will inevitably come out, and make her look bad. If she's a sociopath, it's difficult to always keep up with the lies. The goal is to always make the other, which the sociopath views as a rival, look bad at any cost. AND ALMOST ALWAYS, they accuse the other of EXACTLY what they are doing at that moment.
Sociopaths always tell people the other person lies. They always want others to think the worst of their kid in case someday, they go against them. Then if everyone's been told you are a liar, it's beleivable You act the way in which everyone expected, as for years, Mother has gicen them proof (lies)
And when you don't communicate with her telling her your every move, she cannot accomodate her lies to your siblings to sound plausible. If you ever want revenge, just ensure she knows you are still involved with your siblings. My sister doesn't deserve my friendship but just to spite my mother, I always happily wave to her when I see her. We've never been close, Moms always been right in the middle of us
The stunts my Mom pulled after my Fathers death, well my son is still reeling from it. My Dad also says the same thing your Father does, nothing wrong with her. When he finally said that, I asked him to leave our home and told him he was no longer my Father. He died 8 weeks later, probably from the stress. But the evil he was defending, lying to me ....had to stop. My sister sides with my Mom despite knowing all her lies, she even lost a best friend over it who called my Mother out for using her phone to prank call me.
We have no choice but to not see her, it's just not an option.
My College age son cannot function to attend College any more, a whole different kid. He wants to get a restraining order against her, and once said he wishes "she would die" so he could feel better. I never told him the extent of her sickness, honestly maybe never realized it.
Your mother shows these sociopathic tendencies bigtime. If so, you cannot win. It just doesn't work, you are not mechanically made up to deal with a sociopath if it's been strained all your life. Ive always been at odds with my Mother too, and with most sociopaths, the father has a job which means he works much more than most Dads do.
it's always been strained. My whole life.
A book called "The Sociopath Next Door" really helped me. The Bible helped the most, my faith. The other books out, not so much. Many revolve around romantic relationships
I am not sure where it is now but if you want my book, I would be happy to mail it to you. I know it's around here... but it may take me a few days to locate it.
If you sever the relationship, it will hurt really bad at first because essentially it is a death but worse. She is alive. And my guess is she has never even uttered an "I'm sorry" to anyone except in a sarcastic manner possibly. So she's never taken responsibility for herself or her actions and it's unlikely she will otherwise. My gut feeling is she won't give you a choice but to sever the relationship but who knows. Maybe even blaming you for it even though she orchestrated it, which it sounds like she is doing. Especially with the alienation regarding other family members at functions. That's cruel and inhumane. It's not normal
As time passed, I still feel more free... and it feels natural. I am 46 and the evil my Mother IS, is still sinking in... As it should be. Life is much much easier. I trust people more. I cannot speak for your situation except to say it sure sounds similar. So I spoke as if your Mother is a Sociopath, but of course, I cannot know. So sorry you are going through this.
Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 11-12-2014 at 11:49 AM..
I'm a 34 year old married woman and I have been at odds with my family (particularly my mother) my entire life. A little background: My mother was pregnant with me at the age of 22. My biological father wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't and he signed away his parental rights to me. She married the man whom adopted and raised me. I always considered him my father. They then had two more children together - a girl and boy.
Unfortunatley my mother always directed her anger at me. When I was a child I was always the first to blame for anything that happened between my siblings and I. Even things as little as some cookies that someone ate, she would blame and yell at me, even when I insisted I didn't eat them. I was the only one of her children she spanked and she hit me often up until my late teens. She really put a lot of her energy and focus into my sister, whom she put on a pedestal. This caused a lot of friction between my sister and I. I was very jealous of the attention and praise she received from my mother. I wasn't invited to my sister's graduation party, bachlorette party or rehearsal dinner. I barely made it to her bridal shower and wedding. My sister sides with my mother and my mother is very good at playing the victim to everything in regards to me. My mother has always alienated me from family events if her and I are not getting along. Unfortunatley no one will stand up for me. She gets them all to gather around her.
I tried for many years to get some kind of bond with my siblings aside from my mother but they just weren't interested. The only time I see them is at my parents house for Christmas or other holidays. When we do visit my parents my mother dominates the conversation by talking about all her medical ailments. There are a few months out of the year that there will be some "peace" between my mother and I, but its usually only if I put up with her crap. That means doing things on her terms and biting my tongue. The only time I can really remember her being very pleasant and loving towards me was the week of my wedding 2 years ago. We have invited my parents up to visit my husband and I at our home, we live about an hour away. The last 2-3 times we invited them, my mother canceled. Then when I expressed my anger at the fact that she never wants to come up to our place she says "I'm the mother, you should come to my house, thats the way it goes"
Most of the time she is judgemental or feeling bad for herself. It got to the point that I remain quiet at their home just to not be yelled at or reprimanded for saying something "wrong". My husband and I visited for my father's birthday last month and as I was sitting talking with my dad, my mother YELLS from the kitchen "Molly - You will not change the channel on the TV, They are watching the game"..totally random. This stems back from when I was a child and wanted to watch something, I was often told no because "It wasn't my house and I didn't pay the bills"..
I have spent most if not all of my 34 years defending myself to her and the rest of my family. When I arrive at her house or go to leave, she wants a hug from me and I just dont feel comfortable. I hate that I feel that way, but I'm so riddled with anger and frustration that I don't want to be touched.
My husband went to visit my parents last weekend. I shouldn't have gone because I was miserable the entire visit and was short with my mother. This then resulted in angry calls and text messages between us. I told my mother that relationships are a two way street and most of the time I feel that I'm doing the work. I also told her I have a lot of resentment from the past. She decided to taking my calls and blocked my number. I called my father yesterday and he said she has spent the night before crying and was very upset about the situation. So I asked him to ask her if she wanted to meet me alone and we could talk about things. He said he would ask but that he didn't really want to. I then get a text from my father last night saying that she is not interested in meeting with me and that I should get over whatever issues I have because "There is nothing wrong with the way she is"..
My husband is tired of hearing this after 4 years and I'm tired of living it after 34 years, so I have decided to sever all contact with my family. It makes me sad that it has to be this way but at the same time I don't know what its like to have unconditional love and support from them, so I don't feel I will be missing out on anything. I'm thinking about getting into therapy. But I have a lot of guilt.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you.
Cut her loose and everybody else too.
Last edited by Jaded; 11-12-2014 at 12:20 PM..
Reason: Language
My husband is tired of hearing this after 4 years and I'm tired of living it after 34 years, so I have decided to sever all contact with my family. It makes me sad that it has to be this way but at the same time I don't know what its like to have unconditional love and support from them, so I don't feel I will be missing out on anything. I'm thinking about getting into therapy. But I have a lot of guilt.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you.
Sounds like your mom has a lot of resentment toward you. If I were in your situation, I would also sever ties, explaining to them that the way they've treated you and continue to do so is very hurtful and causing you a great deal of pain and stress. Make it clear that you love your family, but simply are unable to continue having relationships with them since they just can't seem to recognize how poorly they treat you.
Do go see a therapist to help you learn how to alleviate the guilt you are feeling. It's time to put your own well being first. Good luck.
First, let me tell you how deeply sorry you grew up with that.
You have my full support (for whats that worth). I stopped contact with my mother a few years ago and it was the healthiest thing I did for me. Some people have a hard time understanding for feel challenged or threatened when a adult child protects themselves from their abusive family of origin.
I might suggest some therapy to help heal from the abuse you suffered and strengthening the boundaries with your family of origin. Mine just quietly went away (wanted to keep the secrets) but some come out swinging when they realize you are the one cutting off contact with no plans to use it as leverage (how your mom does).
A book you might relate to is "Will I ever be good enoug". It's a good primer, but not a replacement for therapy.
I wrote a very brief email. Just calm, not blaming, just saying I needed seperation from her for my own healing. And I will contact her when and if I am ready.
Continue showing up to family gatherings, but I would disconnect emotionally and intellectually if you can. This way their shenanigans won't bother you.
I try not to cut out people from my life because you never know what will happen in the future. I don't like burning bridges and things could change for the better.
Don't email her. Don't contact her. Stop talking to her. Cut the cord. They never treated you like family, why do you feel guilty?
I don't get why people have such irrational ties to their family, like they're special. If someone hurts you, cut them loose from your life. They aren't worth it, no matter how much DNA you happen to share.
Last edited by Jaded; 11-12-2014 at 01:28 PM..
Reason: off-topic
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
