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I'm a 34 year old married woman and I have been at odds with my family (particularly my mother) my entire life. A little background: My mother was pregnant with me at the age of 22. My biological father wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't and he signed away his parental rights to me. She married the man whom adopted and raised me. I always considered him my father. They then had two more children together - a girl and boy.
Unfortunatley my mother always directed her anger at me. When I was a child I was always the first to blame for anything that happened between my siblings and I. Even things as little as some cookies that someone ate, she would blame and yell at me, even when I insisted I didn't eat them. I was the only one of her children she spanked and she hit me often up until my late teens. She really put a lot of her energy and focus into my sister, whom she put on a pedestal. This caused a lot of friction between my sister and I. I was very jealous of the attention and praise she received from my mother. I wasn't invited to my sister's graduation party, bachlorette party or rehearsal dinner. I barely made it to her bridal shower and wedding. My sister sides with my mother and my mother is very good at playing the victim to everything in regards to me. My mother has always alienated me from family events if her and I are not getting along. Unfortunatley no one will stand up for me. She gets them all to gather around her.
I tried for many years to get some kind of bond with my siblings aside from my mother but they just weren't interested. The only time I see them is at my parents house for Christmas or other holidays. When we do visit my parents my mother dominates the conversation by talking about all her medical ailments. There are a few months out of the year that there will be some "peace" between my mother and I, but its usually only if I put up with her crap. That means doing things on her terms and biting my tongue. The only time I can really remember her being very pleasant and loving towards me was the week of my wedding 2 years ago. We have invited my parents up to visit my husband and I at our home, we live about an hour away. The last 2-3 times we invited them, my mother canceled. Then when I expressed my anger at the fact that she never wants to come up to our place she says "I'm the mother, you should come to my house, thats the way it goes"
Most of the time she is judgemental or feeling bad for herself. It got to the point that I remain quiet at their home just to not be yelled at or reprimanded for saying something "wrong". My husband and I visited for my father's birthday last month and as I was sitting talking with my dad, my mother YELLS from the kitchen "Molly - You will not change the channel on the TV, They are watching the game"..totally random. This stems back from when I was a child and wanted to watch something, I was often told no because "It wasn't my house and I didn't pay the bills"..
I have spent most if not all of my 34 years defending myself to her and the rest of my family. When I arrive at her house or go to leave, she wants a hug from me and I just dont feel comfortable. I hate that I feel that way, but I'm so riddled with anger and frustration that I don't want to be touched.
My husband went to visit my parents last weekend. I shouldn't have gone because I was miserable the entire visit and was short with my mother. This then resulted in angry calls and text messages between us. I told my mother that relationships are a two way street and most of the time I feel that I'm doing the work. I also told her I have a lot of resentment from the past. She decided to taking my calls and blocked my number. I called my father yesterday and he said she has spent the night before crying and was very upset about the situation. So I asked him to ask her if she wanted to meet me alone and we could talk about things. He said he would ask but that he didn't really want to. I then get a text from my father last night saying that she is not interested in meeting with me and that I should get over whatever issues I have because "There is nothing wrong with the way she is"..
My husband is tired of hearing this after 4 years and I'm tired of living it after 34 years, so I have decided to sever all contact with my family. It makes me sad that it has to be this way but at the same time I don't know what its like to have unconditional love and support from them, so I don't feel I will be missing out on anything. I'm thinking about getting into therapy. But I have a lot of guilt.
Any advice would be appreciated..thank you.
My advice? Wish them a fond farewell and save yourself a ton of grief.
I was raised in a similar situation. My mother resented me and no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. She favored my younger siblings, which resulted in a strained relationship with them.
My story reads a lot like yours, only more chapters. Guess who ended up taking care of her for years when she needed help? She was "too much trouble" according to siblings.
She's gone now. My siblings and I no longer communicate. My husband and kids wonder why I put up with their nonsense as long as I did.
It hurt for a long time. I had this vision of family, no matter what. But that was my dream, not theirs.
My husband and I have a good life and great kids, good neighbors and a table full this Thanksgiving.
By the way, resist the temptation to give them an earful of all the hateful things they've done over the years. There's no point to it, really
Just fade away. Make plans to be out of town or just unavailable for family gatherings. Move away if that is possible.
I wasted years and endless effort trying to build a bond with Mom and siblings. Looking back, I wish I realized early on that it was pointless and devoted my time and love to my husband, our kids, our friends. That's what I do now.
Last edited by GotHereQuickAsICould; 11-14-2014 at 06:15 AM..
I don't blame you at all, Molly! I have all but severed ties with my parents. I still call them on their birthdays and Mother's Day and Father's Day, but other than that, there's very little communication between us. My mother loves to upset people and play mind games - and really, who has the time or energy for that kind of nonsense? I really don't recall exactly when I stopped calling my mother just to chat, but it was probably at least 20 years ago. And while I don't remember exactly what event finally triggered my decision, life has been so much better since I made the choice to limit my communications with them. They're both in their 80's now, and I do wish I could have a normal relationship with them, but I know that's never going to happen. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to leave her in the narrow little world she has created for herself and move forward with your own life. Good luck to you, Molly.
I think you should cut ties. But no need to tell them your plans, just do it.
Good luck.
If that is what you feel you must do DO IT. But do not come running back to Mommy when you have problems and need help. I have seen this happen from a stepfather's point of view.
I think when you want to cut ties with your family, it's your subconscious trying to cope with a difficult situation.
I know I spent years being dominated by my father, even after I left home. He constantly put me down and made me miserable, even from 2000 miles away. At that time, I didn't have the know-how or the strength to deal with it. So without even thinking why, I just cut ties with my family. What was happening was I knew my buttons were being pushed every time I talked to my dad, and the result was anger and guilt. I didn't know how to handle the feelings so I did the next best thing, I quit communicating with my parents and as someone else here said, it was the healthiest thing I've ever done for myself. I couldn't keep my buttons from being pushed when I was in contact with my dad because I didn't know how, but I could remove myself from those situations that caused my buttons to be pushed.
I think it was ten years before I called them again and that was just because I had heard my dad had a terminal illness. Even sick, however, he refused to be civil. So I let it go and when he died, my only regret was that I was so dominated by him when I was younger, that I couldn't shout back and defend myself. I wasn't upset when he died. I just felt sorry for him. He could have had a wonderful relationship with his daughter and he chose not to. That was his loss, because I really didn't care about him anymore.
My thoughts on this is, you have two choices:
1) You keep on with things as they are going now and allow your mother to have the upper hand. Do you really think if you do nothing, things will change eventually? If the answer is no, then you know you will continue to be miserable.
2) Cut off contact and allow yourself some time to heal. Cutting off contact doesn't have to be permanent. All you're doing is giving yourself some room to breathe. The choice - and yes, you have one regardless of what anyone says - is to continue the break or try something else.
You are allowed to be happy. If you being happy makes someone else unhappy, well, that's the way it goes. Some people, maybe your mother, get their joy out of life by ruining life for others. It's like a power trip for them. There are many women who wouldn't take this abuse from their husbands, but continue to take it from their family. But at some point you have to stop and say, "Enough!". Then to protect your feelings and your sanity, you not only don't play their game, but refuse to let them even start one with you. If you have to cut them off to do that, so be it. Later on when you feel stronger, you can stand your ground and give them hell, but if you've had years of this, you need to heal for now.
Change your phone number if you need to. Return any letters from her unopened. If any relatives get involved, tell them it's none of their business. You put up with her for years for her sake. Now you're doing this for you. Can you imagine the disbelief your mother is going to have when she finally realizes she can't dump on you any longer?
This sounds like my wife and her father exactly.. She finally stopped communicating with him about 6 years ago.... And she says when he dies the ONLY reason she will go to the funeral is to see if she is getting anything from his will...
"Stalking the Soul" is a good book which helped me a lot. Victimology is a relatively new science.
I think it's true that having a family like this leaves you vulnerable to other people who treat you the same way. At least that's how it was for me. I have a tendency to be spineless anyway.
If you have a loving partner of course that's a huge help.
Any "change" in my case just seems so temporary and fake.
If that is what you feel you must do DO IT. But do not come running back to Mommy when you have problems and need help. I have seen this happen from a stepfather's point of view.
So are you suggesting the OP put up with a bunch of nonsense just in case she runs into problems down the road?
Or that you've had "step" kids who cut off all contact and then later had problems and asked for help?
You think people should put up with abuse? What makes you think people need Mommy?
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
So are you suggesting the OP put up with a bunch of nonsense just in case she runs into problems down the road?
Or that you've had "step" kids who cut off all contact and then later had problems and asked for help?
I said if that is what you need to do DO IT. But don't come crying back to mommy when you find it is a cruel world out there.Trust me in our case it is the stepson who was the bad guy.. TWICE.
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