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I advocate for communication about cutting ties because just ignoring seems childish to me and is unnessesarly punitive. The goal of cutting ties isn't to punish, it's to heal.
Agreed 100%. It's important to make it clear that she feels she has no other alternative because they simply don't realize how poorly they are treating her. She needs to take a stand for herself and let them know that she will not tolerate their behavior any longer, and since they don't recognize what they are doing, she needs to simply break away.
When I did it, I made sure not to place blame. I was taking time from the relationship to heal from the abusive childhood. Simple. I didn't place blame because it would have brought an onslaught of defensiveness and anger, as blame tends to do. But I also didn't blame myself, throwing myself under any bus (which is what I was raised to do). I'm sure she would have been pleased if I wrote I had to cut off ties to heal myself so I wasn't so toxic.
To the OP... I think you are extremely immature rattling on and on to justify walking away from your mom and using your aunt as a foil. Your comment to me re 'hitting a cord' and asking whether I ever tell my child that I love him; yes, every phone call for 38 years, every hug was always followed by an 'I love you' and neither one of us ever had a reason to apologize to each other. I was there to support him and listen to him, always, and neither of us ever raised our voices or hung up the phone in anger. But here's what happened... I had a mother like yours and I spent several years not talking to her to save my sanity. My son saw this and, like your son will learn from your actions, he learned how to cut someone out from his life when things go wrong. Enter narcissistic girlfriend, a woman who only knows how to alienate and split people off, and our relationship is strained (but we're not estranged) and he has thrown away his friends because girlfriend didn't like them. So my message to you is to grow up and know that your son is watching you. I don't care how much you say you love your son, your actions will come back at you. My little grandsons (from his previous marriage) are watching him and wondering why we mostly see them through their mother, our sweet and kind ex dil, and not their dad and they are learning from all this how to treat him someday. The beat goes on...
You are so messed up, you are getting so many posts confused. I am NOT the OP. So you were out of line to ask another poster who supported me, to justify why my mother is evil. Another poster doesn't need to justify my Mother being evil or not to you just because they responded to me with support. Boy do you think high of yourself! And I am the "immature" and I need to "grow up" for calling you out on this bizarre intrustion which has nothing to do with you. Seriously, stop this abusive mindset, and stop calling names.
People here sometimes support each other, it shouldn't offend you so much you call someone "immature" and tell them to "grow up" while expect another poster to justify someone elses Mother being evil. You're a piece of work. I await your apology but again, per your OWN words, you haven't needed to apolgoize for 38 years to your own child, because you have never did anything wrong. This is of an abusive mindset, you were trained well and seem to continue to pass that torch on. How sad you didn't stop the dysfunction instead of perpetrating it. Cause now we all have to endure it.
And no I don't buy you've told your son you love him every conversation for 38 years so you never needed to apologize for anything" Gimmie a break, you are not perfect.
To tell someone at every conversation you love them, so no matter what you do it means you don't need to apologize... is AN ABUSIVE MINDSET. Do you also call him names after such as immature, or tell him to grow up? No one in their right mind would say for 38 years they've never needed to apologize to their own child.
Now you are withholding your own children's inheritance. The same son you love so much you tell them at every conversation. Well that love means alot eh? Your posts have a theme, belittling whoever asks for help. And try to get those who supported them to justify it, even in bizarre ways such as getting them to justify the evil of another posters mother. You seem drawn to abuse threads. You say you've been abused BUT talk as if you are the Abuser
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And to the poster who advised you to not sever ties so as not to risk losing an inheritance; I've changed my/our will to a generation-skipping will. Everything will go to his children. He has enough money.
Confused again. The poster you refer to didn't tell me this, he responded to another poster. BUT I WILL COMMENT ANYHOW-of course you skipped your kids inheriting anything, just as my Dad gave my son an inheritance (as stated in my post) as my son never endured any abuse. I did. But I am happy he got $12,000 it helped pay for therapy after my mom, (Dads wife) pulled her shinanigans after my Dads death. At least his mental breakdown didn't cost him financially.
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Oh and by the way, that post I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying wake up and know that you're setting an example and that parents aren't stupid, sometimes we're way ahead of the game as far as inheritances go. For every action there is a reaction....
I hopefully apologize when necessary, I at least try. Again, I am not perfect so need to apologize and own up to them. Otherwise if i felt saying i loved you somehow circumvented me taking responsibility for my actions, then that would be a bit sick eh? Or if I thought I was so good and perfect I never had to apologize,for 38 years, all because saying I love you somehow allows me a free pass. I could never feel bad or uncomfortable. It would all be about me. You keep your mindset, the abuse. I won't have any part of it.
Give an inheritance to your children, for Gods Sakes! Of course you can give some to your grandchild too, but don't steal your children's inheritance. They earned it, they put up with YOU . And your sick mindset. Your false I love you's and lack of accountability. Your grandious sense of perfection.
You smell these threads come into justify anything and everything. You credit yourself for all the abuse you endured.!! Tell yourself...I put up with it, and repeat it, but I add "I love you" to the end! I feel sorry for your child(ren). Boy you are a doozie
Last edited by CaliforniaGal1; 11-13-2014 at 04:20 PM..
I am modeling correct behavior, try it for once. I don't say I love you at every conversation for the last decades as you do, my son knows it by my actions. I hopefully apologize when necessary, I at least try. Again, I am not perfect so need to apologize and own up to them. Otherwise if i felt saying i loved you somehow circumvented me taking responsibility, then that would be a bit sick eh? Or if I thought I was so good and perfect I never had to apologize, all because saying I love you somehow allows me a free pass. Now that is really sick! I love you means nothing when it is said so often it becomes nausiating. Actions speak louder than words. Try it
Give an inheritance to your children, for Gods Sakes! And don't bother telling me your not abusive, you smell these threads come into justify anything and everything. And seem to think you do no wrong (per an abusive mindset) so you "have never needed to apolgoize for anything" gimmie a break. Saying I love you and meaning it are two different things, hence withholding your own childs inheritance and skipping a generation.
No problem with giving some to the grandchildren but really, at every turn, you are messed up. And we will continue to see you drawn to threads justifying abuse per your own mindset. Except you add "I love you" at the end. Wow
With reading this post.....wow I see a lot of my mother's behaviors in the poster you were commenting to - NOT you! Almost every time she calls me, she has to end it with, "You know I love you." I cringe every time I hear that. She also says that one day I'll say it back. No, I won't. I don't love my mother. I know it sounds harsh, but there's only so much a person can take from someone.
Her actions over the years from the physical, mental and verbal abuse show the exact opposite! Nothing says I love you like a beating with a wooden cook spoon....a beating that lasts until the spoon is broken. Then you're blamed for her needing to buy more of them. It's a never ending, never winning vicious cycle. I have permanent back damage from those beatings. Yeah, that proves she loves me.....yeah right.
With reading this post.....wow I see a lot of my mother's behaviors in the poster you were commenting to - NOT you! Almost every time she calls me, she has to end it with, "You know I love you." I cringe every time I hear. She also says that one I'll say it back. No, I won't. I don't love my mother. I know it sounds harsh, but there's only so much a person can take from someone.
Her actions over the years from the physical, mental and verbal abuse show the exact opposite! Nothing says I love you like a beating with a wooden cook spoon....a beating that lasts until the spoon is broken. Then you're blamed for her needing to buy more of them. It's a never ending, never winning vicious cycle. I have permanent back damage from those beatings. Yeah, that proves she loves me.....yeah right.
Maybe ipoetry is your Mother!!! lol, just kidding. It's his post I was trying to set straight. Sorry about your mom, hopefully she doesn't call often
Abusers always need to feel like they are not doing anything wrong, so lying to the victims is part of the deal. Hence why she wants you to lie and say you love her. So it will ease her conscious. Love isn't about words, it's about actions. Actions speak for themselves. My in laws have never told my husband they love him, nor does he remember being hugged, but there is no doubt in his mind, they love him. They show it in their actions, and certainly feel it, you can tell.
To the OP... I think you are extremely immature rattling on and on to justify walking away from your mom and using your aunt as a foil. Your comment to me re 'hitting a cord' and asking whether I ever tell my child that I love him; yes, every phone call for 38 years, every hug was always followed by an 'I love you' and neither one of us ever had a reason to apologize to each other. I was there to support him and listen to him, always, and neither of us ever raised our voices or hung up the phone in anger. But here's what happened... I had a mother like yours and I spent several years not talking to her to save my sanity. My son saw this and, like your son will learn from your actions, he learned how to cut someone out from his life when things go wrong. Enter narcissistic girlfriend, a woman who only knows how to alienate and split people off, and our relationship is strained (but we're not estranged) and he has thrown away his friends because girlfriend didn't like them. So my message to you is to grow up and know that your son is watching you. I don't care how much you say you love your son, your actions will come back at you. My little grandsons (from his previous marriage) are watching him and wondering why we mostly see them through their mother, our sweet and kind ex dil, and not their dad and they are learning from all this how to treat him someday. The beat goes on...
And to the poster who advised you to not sever ties so as not to risk losing an inheritance; I've changed my/our will to a generation-skipping will. Everything will go to his children. He has enough money.
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just saying wake up and know that you're setting an example and that parents aren't stupid, sometimes we're way ahead of the game as far as inheritances go. For every action there is a reaction....
You have a lot of hatred for someone preaching to others to suppress their own anger and give mom a free pass for abusing her.
I just want to say a quick thing to all those who dealt with abusive mothers here.
I am so, so, so sorry you had to endure what you did. Its hard for some people to understand how a mother could be cruel, sadistic, abusive...and sometimes out to kill the soul of their own child.
I am part of the crowd, and my mom is often called evil (rarely by me). I had to sever ties to survive. It was amazing. Scary. Painful. Freeing. I live 1000s of miles from her but even a package or email sent me into an OCD-like episode. Once the contact stopped, the OCD-like behaviors stopped. I picked my own favorite color...really she told me what my favorite color was since I was a kid, so I just agreed. I was able to pick out an outfit without worrying if my mom would tell me I looked terrible in it (which actually meant I looked good in it). I learned to cry freely without seeing her face raging at me in my mind. It took until middle adulthood, but I was brain washed.
So I just want you all to know how strong you guys are for taking charge of your life. Not everyone can do that. And by severing ties or setting major limits, we are protecting our children from potential abuse.
Maybe ipoetry is your Mother!!! lol, just kidding. It's his post I was trying to set straight. Sorry about your mom, hopefully she doesn't call often
It's like living in the Twilight Zone!
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Originally Posted by CaliforniaGal1
Abusers always need to feel like they are not doing anything wrong, so lying to the victims is part of the deal. Hence why she wants you to lie and say you love her. So it will ease her conscious. Love isn't about words, it's about actions. Actions speak for themselves.
Boy, that explains a boatload.....a boat the size of the Titanic!
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I cringe every time I hear that. She also says that one day I'll say it back. No, I won't. I don't love my mother. I know it sounds harsh, but there's only so much a person can take from someone. 
