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Many have felt the pain of wanting friendship from those who don't want anyone new in their group. At some point in my life, I decided to turn the tables. Instead, I now decide whether I want them in my circle of friends, not the other way around. Once that happened, I was in control of my life, not someone else. In the workplace, that behavior is known as "group think" and can be very nasty for outsiders as well as the corporation.
Sometimes, nothing gets people going like finding out that you could care less about currying their favor. I've gotten into some scrapes just trying to stay out of people's way.
I moved to a small Midwestern town years ago. I believe the cliques are mostly because they grew up together and share a past history. I found once we had children we began to have more in common with each other and began to make friends with the locals.
OP, I can actually relate to some of your feelings, and until about ten years ago I would have disagreed vehemently.
I am from a military family, and so we were always moving...to another military town. Military towns are a different breed from other types - you realize that you're going to only be somewhere 2-4 years usually, so you get in there and make friends and there's simply no "Old Guard" or "Old Money" or pre existing cliques to speak of. Everyone is either the new kid in town or they will be in a few months.
After divorcing and leaving the military lifestyle, I moved to a large town - actually a small city. I joined the chamber and some other organizations and was in like an old pro within a few months. So I thought "Wow, I just really know how to break the ice."
Then I moved to a town of about 9000. WHOA.
Everyone had known everyone else their whole lives. They were not interested in getting to know me. I joined the chamber, I joined a civic group, I TRIED to volunteer, but no one would ever even call me back! After a few years, it became apparent that I was just not going to fit in. It was very frustrating. I was walking with one of my FEW friendly neighbors one day and we were discussing it and I said, "I feel like a misfit! I just don't get it!" and she said, "Kathryn...they don't need you." I was taken aback at this, but she went on. "They know everyone. They've got their groove on. They know who's invited where, they know who married who, they know whose kids are on what baseball teams, etc etc. You are an unnecessary complication."
She was so right!
Finally, after ten long years, I moved to a larger town - and I've had no problem making friends again and getting in the swing of things. So...yes, I can definitely understand how frustrating it feels sometimes to try to join a group and realize that no one there has the slightest interest in you. It's like, it's not a PERSONAL rejection - it's an IMPERSONAL one - because they don't even know you and don't intend to know you.
It's tough. I was glad to see that town disappear in my rear view mirror!
If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? You mentioned "when you were younger", so I am guessing around 40?
I don't understand as you have lived in SC your whole life what the issue is. I mean it's not like you moved to a different part of the country and trying find ways to meet people. You have must have long time friends in SC, so why do you care?
You even said these people only talk about working out and sports, so they sound really interesting and well rounded....NOT.
Why do you care? Go to the gym and workout, you can say hello and goodbye and leave it at that.
And adding them as FB friends? Please, what's the worth? NOTHING. You don't see these people unless you run into them at the gym, they're not your "friends".
I am over 40 .I grew up here in SC but after college I moved around. I have lived in the Northeast , the Southeast and the Far West. But even among those that have lived here all their lives its not so common to keep up with the gang from high school anymore. Those days are past for the most part. I even went to my 20th HS reunion and it was nothing special.Basically it was a group of people who knew each other as kids but that moment in time was long gone. Now that I live back where were I grew up its not so easy to meet people. It's a growing area but still pretty rural and many people get married young so that you have a lot of people here in their 40s who are married with kids. That's some of what I am facing but I still like the area and my family is here so I will keep trying to think of ideas of how to meet people.There are some larger towns relatively close by.
I usually am quite happy with a few good friends and a circle of friendly enough acquaintances. If there is a clique operating where I'm doing business or that frequent an establishment that I go to regularly I ignore them and go on about my business.
Kathryn A's story is accurate. People get their datebooks filled up and they do not want to add another person unless they are rich and famous and can enhance the group's status. Try not to take that part personally.
Frankly I just don't understand having to be an A-lister as an adult. I was an A-lister as a high schooler (because I felt like I had to be to satisfy parental ambitions) and it was an exhausting Lord of the Flies experience which I wouldn't care to repeat as a free adult but to each his own.
There is a toll to leaving a family home region behind and returning much later. You will lose the network built over time. They are used to not having you around. Look at the less well traveled corners, do some fishing and take some camping trips and you will find kindred spirits in time. Good luck to you.
I am over 40 .I grew up here in SC but after college I moved around. I have lived in the Northeast , the Southeast and the Far West. But even among those that have lived here all their lives its not so common to keep up with the gang from high school anymore. Those days are past for the most part. I even went to my 20th HS reunion and it was nothing special.Basically it was a group of people who knew each other as kids but that moment in time was long gone. Now that I live back where were I grew up its not so easy to meet people. It's a growing area but still pretty rural and many people get married young so that you have a lot of people here in their 40s who are married with kids. That's some of what I am facing but I still like the area and my family is here so I will keep trying to think of ideas of how to meet people.There are some larger towns relatively close by.
I'm going to quote from AK Kathy's post " Frankly I just don't understand having to be an A-lister as an adult".
You're over 40 and it's like you're trying to be in with the "in crowd" who sound like a bunch of boneheads who sound about as interesting as talking to an earthworm.
You mentioned you're close to Clemson University and Greenville, look into events and groups at both places.
As far as the gym goes, find a different time to go when these people aren't there or if you run into them leave it a hello/goodbye.
Im a bit old for cliques or should I say, im too old to CARE about them, but they do exist.
The way to break into them, if you're so inclined, is One at a time.
Have One Person dazzled with your charm, and you're in. The others follow blindly cos....THEYRE A CLIQUE!
I tire of cliques quickly though, these days. Give me the quirky loner Any Day.
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