When kids are used as pawns (siblings, member, children, divorced)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have been in my sister's kids lives since their birth. The kids' ages range from 5-14. I've regularly babysat, shuttled them to and from school and they are regular fixtures in my daily life and home. I have an especially close relationship and bond with them.
One longstanding fear is that the kids would be "taken away" from me once I was no longer needed. This fear isn't without merit as whenever she's been angry in the past, my relationship with the kids is the one to suffer. If someone "can't get along with me, then they can't spend time with my kids". It's happened to my mother and my dad. Although, she's clever enough not to get mad at more than one of us at a time.
Alas, my sister is once again angry and has trumped up charges against me that I refuse to defend. My refusal stems (in part) from the fact that it would require me to sell the kids out, so to speak. Supposedly, the oldest has accused me of saying things that I did not say. And the accurate things that I did say have been given no context. An interrogation of the kids has brought to her attention that I'm trying to break apart her family.
During a recent rampage, she gifted me two of the most hateful books I've ever seen along with another of her lists outlining my most recent failings as a sister and an aunt.
I'm curious if anyone has had similar experience(s) and any advice on how to handle the pain. Would you continue to do whatever it takes to ensure participation in the kids' lives?
I hope one day there will be visitation laws for familial relationships that are proven loving and long standing.
Last edited by winterbird; 03-12-2015 at 02:05 PM..
I wonder if it would make sense for your and the other family members to make a pact: if one of us is disowned, we ALL are disowned. Maybe then she would be a little more careful in flinging around accusations.
Not really much you can do here OP. Distance yourself emotionally from the kids. Easier said than done I guess but live life more for yourself, your husband, kids, dog, whatever you have.
I know it's hard to do but let them go, don't be so invested. That's the only way to protect yourself from this sort of thing.
There really is not much you can do. If it were me I would distant myself too. This may feel like YOUR loss but its their loss too. They will realize this eventually. I would just tell them that if they would like to spend time with you they have your number. Good luck.
G-fused - it's going to be hard to distance myself emotionally.
Mattie - You're right. I shouldn't play the game. Have to redraw the boundaries. Part of the issue is that now she doesn't need me to babysit. At least for a while, anyway.
angiesu- I definitely know it's a loss for the kids too but I just hate to see that happen to the kids, especially.
Last edited by winterbird; 03-12-2015 at 02:41 PM..
I was in a similar situation when the ex and I divorced many years ago..... I had a very close bond with one of his sisters' children and that was lost when he and I split up.... I don't know WHAT he told his family the reason for our split was, but it must have been really awful (while he was cheating on me).....
by that point, I missed the children in my life more than I did him....
I have been in my sister's kids lives since their birth. The kids' ages range from 5-14. I've regularly babysat, shuttled them to and from school and they are regular fixtures in my daily life and home. I have an especially close relationship and bond with them.
Has it occurred to you that your sister may have been "taking advantage" of you all of these years and never really cared for you at all? And, all she thought of was how she could "use you"?
I am 62 years old and in my entire life I have never meet even one family where the sibling took care of her brother's or sister's children on a daily basis, drove them to and from school, babysit, and they were "regular fixtures in their daily life and home", with the exception of siblings that lived together or nearby and had children of the same age. So one parent drove their children plus the nieces & nephews to school and the other other sibling picked them all up from school or something similar. So basically, they were one big, happy family.
How has your sister treated your children? Are they are a part of her daily life? Does she babysit them and drive them to school? Frankly, I suspect, that you will say that you do not have any children, so your sister never reciprocated at all.
Now that her children are getting older and will not need babysitters as often, or drives to and from school, I suspect that she feels that you have "served your usefulness" so it will be "Bye, Bye Sister".
I am sorry, but that is what I suspect will happen.
If your nieces and nephews truly love you they may reestablish contact with you once they get away from their mom (ie after they leave home at age 18 or so).
Call child services, get them taken away..say she abuses them, then file for custody.
If you want them, that's an option, if not let it go they aren't yours, I'm sorry.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You're all right.
