Holiday Dilemma With Mother (wife, siblings, person, member)

[new2colo]

In several days, my mother plans to travel a long distance to visit me for about 8 days. I am a single woman and my mother is single as well, so it will be just us two for the majority of the time. I come from a relatively small family that is very widely dispersed geographically, so family gatherings, even for holidays, are rare, if not non-existent anymore.

The problem I am dealing with is that my mother really wants to visit a cousin of mine (her nephew) and his family (wife and young son), who live six hours away from me, for Christmas. This cousin is extremely distant from his own parents and siblings, who all live thousands of miles away from him and his family as well. I attribute the distance from his family to the extremely strict, Evangelical christian household in which he was raised. Needless to say he initiates absolutely NO contact with me or my mom. He really seems interested in living his own life and disassociating himself from the entire family in the process. Still, my mom keeps up with his family through his wife's Facebook postings, where my cousin's wife will post recent family pictures, including photos of their young son. Two years ago, my mother messaged my cousin's wife over Facebook to tell her that she was going to be visiting me during the Christmas holiday and she was interested in having dinner with them. My cousin's wife obliged and my mother asked me to make the drive out to see my cousin's family. We made the drive and had the most awkward holiday meal of my life. Conversation was minimal between all of us, their young son's every facial expression and their cat's quirky behavior seemed to be the focal point of the conversation, and my mother later complained that my cousin's wife's cooking was horrid. She vowed to never return.

Fast forward to this year. My mother has decided she wants to repeat the trip. My mother took all the initiative and basically invited herself to their house for Christmas this year through Facebook. I have next to zero interest in visiting my cousin and his family, especially after the last fiasco, but I feel obligated to honor my mom's wishes to see this side of the family. She lives thousands of miles away from me and my cousin and would never see my cousin otherwise. While my cousin obviously wishes to live his own life with his family, my mom seems to want to extend an olive branch to let him know that she is his aunt and still cares about him and his family. Also, my grandmother died several years ago and never got to meet his son (her first great grandchild). I think my mom wants to be a presence in their child's life on my grandmother's behalf.

I struggle with the fact that my cousin doesn't really seem to want us there. I feel like if someone wanted us to visit for the holidays, that they would invite us and we wouldn't have to invite ourselves. I have a nice home, and while a Christmas with her and I would certainly be very low key, I am pretty sure it would still be a pleasant time. I really don't want to make the drive either, but I am willing to do what's necessary to make my mother happy for the holidays.

What would others do in my position? Would you just accept your mother's Christmas desire and suck it up or would you say something?

[sweetana3]

Your mother wants you to make a 12 hour round trip to visit a relative? Are you staying overnight? Is she sharing the drive, paying the expense, did she even ask you what you wanted?

Personally, I would give her the car keys. But then, it could be a good bonding experience for you and your mom. A lot can be talked about during a long car ride. But 12 hours????

Sorry I am not much help but I can see why you are on the fence. Your mom has tried to commit you to being the driver for her to make a visit for a meal. Does she not understand the issue here?

My MIL has tried something similiar. She wants to visit two relatives 12 hours away that she seldom ever saw when she lived in the next town. I said maybe we could drop her off while we went on to do something else. She does not "understand" that there is nothing for us to do and that she really just wants us to be her drivers and provide housing, etc. So, we found a vacation in Vermont for us and she can be dropped off along the way at the relatives and picked up or she can visit for a couple of hours and continue to the vacation spot with us.

Personally, I would never make a 12 hour drive for a meal. Too many other ways to make contact.

[katie45]

It's your decision OP; however, 'if' it were my situation, I would have my mom rent a car and head off by herself.

[Mightyqueen801]

What is your mother's reaction when you tell her that you don't think this is a good idea, that the cousin doesn't seem to WANT you guys there or would have invited you? Does she just say, "But I wanna"? In that case, let her go by herself.

And what was the cousin's reaction when your mother invited herself? Did they say, "Sure, come on up"?

There's too much information that you haven't shared.

[seain dublin]

I guess since you're in Colorado you can hope for bad weather. I find it odd that your mother communicates strictly through FB with the wife's cousin. I mean she must be of a certain age. Maybe if she bothered to pick up a phone and call she would hear the tone in the voice of the cousin's wife, and maybe pickup that you're really not welcome.

Keeping up with people by looking at their FB photos and than inviting yourself to their house via FB is hardly what I would call a relationship or contact.

Your mother sounds like a very pushy woman. I would just tell her your not going. If she insists on going(the last time sounded awful) take her to Enterprise to rent a car.

You could have nipped in this bud and told her the two of you were invited to a friend of yours, than that person could suddenly get ill(wink wink) and those plans are off, but too late to make any long trips.

The only way I would suffer through something like this was if this cousin lived within close proximity(under an hour), a 12 hour round trip drive, no way.

[historyfan]

You have said you do not have a close relationship and your cousin does not wish one. Do not put yourself through it. If your Mother insists, tell her you will drive her to the airport. It is absurd for you to travel that many hours for such a visit.

Meanwhile make extra special festive preparations for Christmas at your place.

You could suggest she Skype or call them on Christmas day, if she desires. Good luck.

[brokensky]

Your mother seems to feel it is important to "show the rest of the family" that she is the peacemaker and that she is in touch with her sibling's son even though he has distanced himself from them. She isn't going to say that and she may not be aware of her own motivation to "one up" her sibling. But you can bet that is what it is. There is no way anyone would feel it that important to insert themselves into someone else's family circle except to then be able to take a superior attitude with other family members, especially if there is tension b/n your mother and your cousin's parents (even in mostly unspoken, i.e. disapproval of how they raised their son, their strict religious household, etc).

Your mother wants to position herself as the savior of the situation, which in reality, doesn't even exist as a "situation" except to any family members who sit around discussing how awful it is that grandmother never "got to see her greatgrandchild" and that sort of thing.

So stop the madness. I am with Seain Dublin - I would invent an invite somewhere that then gets cancelled before I would go along with this insistence to insert herself into someone else's plans. I find the whole thing about as pushy and overbearing as I have ever encountered. I can only imagine how your cousin feels - having to "accommodate" his Aunt and (and you, even though this wasn't your idea!) when it sounds clear that no one feels a desire to have your mother's presence at their table.

I would suspect they assumed the last time that there was no way anyone would be foolish enough to actually drive 6 hours to their house, so they probably thought - what harm in saying - oh yeah, do come (when your mother said - "I would love to see you at Christmas!") Doing it again this year is just beyond good manners. It sounds as though the previous visit was terribly strained and awkward.

Good luck with this. Your mom is visiting you. She supposedly came to see you. If she came to be with your cousin, then next trip, she should book a flight to his city and stay with him. Maybe you should just put it to her like that -- along with reminding her that driving 6 hours is stressful and ruins the holidays for you.

[hothulamaui]

you could tell your mom you rarely get to see her and want to spend the entire time with her, just the two of you. remind her how awful the last trip was. if she still wants to go let her rent a car and go.

[KathrynAragon]

Your mother isn't being considerate of you at all. She apparently didn't include you when she was making plans for YOUR holiday. Do not cater to such dysfunctional behavior.

You said she's coming for 8 days, so this should give her plenty of time to see the cousin's family as well as you. Meanwhile, is there anyone you can get together with locally around Christmas? If so, make plans and tell your mom to enjoy herself on her trip!

[fallingwater]

I have to agree. After spending so many awkward holidays with people I didnt enjoy being around to please my mother, I wouldn't do it.

Wish for snow.