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I'm recently estranged from my parents and am looking to hear from others who've gone through similar experiences and how they've dealt with life after the estrangement.
I'm 33 years old and decided to cut my parents out of my life several months ago. I've realized that their toxic relationship has negatively affected many different facets of my life.
They've been married for 35+ years and spent most of my childhood bickering and fighting with each other. I recall returning from school to a home filled with tension because of this situation.
My dad is a stubborn, hypocritical, and manipulative person. My mom is a gold digger devoid of any character who stood by and did nothing even though she recognized that this was not a healthy family environment. Neither of them hold themselves accountable for their behavior. They both chose to use their children as an emotional crutch for their own issues.
The only emotion I feel towards them is anger, but I'm hoping that will subside over time.
I feel that I have a responsibility to protect myself from people who are harmful to my emotional well being. I'm not sure what the future holds but I'm ready to move forward without them.
You are going to get a lot of mixed advice and comments. My parents were like you describe, but highly abusive. I did a lot of therapy to help deal with it. I realized I couldnt have a relationship with my mom because she isn't safe for my kids...or me. And it is too emotionally challenging. Triggering to say the least. Even with lots of therapy.
I tried with my dad to have a relationship again but he couldn't seem to respect my boundaries...or fully acknowledge what his rages put me through. And I needed that.
I think any adult child is allowed to take as much space from their parents as they need.
I cut my abusive parents out of my life when I was about the OPs age. It was a hard decision, and I felt some guilt about it for a while. But looking back, I believe it was the right thing to do. I'm 58 now and I know that the only thing I've missed by not having them in my life for the past 25 or so years is more of their verbal abuse. And I had plenty of that over the years, along with their physical abuse.
Sometimes you've just got to say enough is enough. Your parents are unlikely to change, so you just have to change how you deal with them. Or decide to not deal with them.
You see so many posts today of righteous adult children criticizing their "disfunctional" parents.
You are left with the impression that older generations were complete screw-ups whereas the new guys today are just wonderful, flawless, enlightened human beings who figured it all out by distancing from everything their parents did.
They have no faults. They raise their children perfectly, have perfect marriages, and perfect friendships. They are enlightened, well-read in all sorts of "how to", just awesome.
If only they could get rid of those pesky parents.
Something wrong with this picture.
Humanity has always had imperfect generations but has never found it ok to give children green light to bash their parents for being imperfect. So your parents bickered in their marriage and that makes them...."toxic" ? What makes a child with this entitled mentality, who seems to have expected to be raised by a pair of good fairies instead?
Sickening ?
You see so many posts today of righteous adult children criticizing their "disfunctional" parents.
You are left with the impression that older generations were complete screw-ups whereas the new guys today are just wonderful, flawless, enlightened human beings who figured it all out by distancing from everything their parents did.
They have no faults. They raise their children perfectly, have perfect marriages, and perfect friendships. They are enlightened, well-read in all sorts of "how to", just awesome.
If only they could get rid of those pesky parents.
Something wrong with this picture.
Humanity has always had imperfect generations but has never found it ok to give children green light to bash their parents for being imperfect. So your parents bickered in their marriage and that makes them...."toxic" ? What makes a child with this entitled mentality, who seems to have expected to be raised by a pair of good fairies instead?
Sickening ?
Yes, screaming, yelling, and fighting constantly is just a tiny "imperfection" that should have no impact on a child.
Honestly, I think completely cutting off parents should be a last resort, but there are times when it is appropriate.
Looks like you have already cut them loose. Stay away & work on improving your life. Maybe someday you will find it in your heart to forgive them. Don't let your past interrupt with your future. One of the best healing process is to travel outside your comfort zone to a less privileged country. There are a lot of things we take for granted & meeting people who have challenges surviving in harsh environment & struggling for food, water, electricity can help us appreciate what we already have in our life rather than focusing on what we don't. Replacing negativity with a positive attitude might help undo some of the damage. Also, reading biographies of some great people who overcame challenges to become successful can also inspire you to let go of the pain & move forward in life. This is how it works - I draw a line & tell you to make it short without erasing it. What you could do is draw a longer line next to it so by comparison my line will look shorter. Its the same with pain & suffering. You cannot erase your past but trying to help less fortunate than you can make your own struggles look smaller & insignificant. Try to get some therapy as well.
You see so many posts today of righteous adult children criticizing their "disfunctional" parents.
You are left with the impression that older generations were complete screw-ups whereas the new guys today are just wonderful, flawless, enlightened human beings who figured it all out by distancing from everything their parents did.
They have no faults. They raise their children perfectly, have perfect marriages, and perfect friendships. They are enlightened, well-read in all sorts of "how to", just awesome.
My observation is that people with abusive parents as often as not choose not to have children. Some do have children, and choose to work at providing a loving home, the opposite of what was modeled for them. Others simply don't have it in them to raise kids. There's probably some level of trauma present that steers them away from that.
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