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I found this definition in the Urban Dictionary: The opposite of a fair-weather friend, a foul-weather friend, only seeks you out if they have a problem, need a shoulder to cry on, a ride to town or someone to watch their dog, but otherwise they act as if they don't even know you. They're only your chum when they're glum. A foul-weather friend will never call you to go out with other friends, go to a show or just go hang out, but the minute trouble comes, your foul-weather friend knows you are good old reliable you, the one who will listen when no one else will, and they act like you're their only friend. Don't expect the same in return either. When you've got a problem, they'll usually tell you not to bring them down.
I have/had a friend. I knew her for 3 years. We'd meet for an activity and lunch/dinner about 8 times a year. I believed the low frequency was because of her job. We seemed to be able to talk about various topics easily. Both of us are divorced many years and wanted a love relationship - we also shared dating experiences and disappointments. When she retired (we are the same age but I retired earlier), our frequency did not change - somewhat to my surprise. A couple of months after retiring she told me, matter of fact, that she was moving out of state and her home was on the market. Months pass, no sale. She took her home off the market during winter and planned to put it back on the market in March. January this year she asked me to give her a ride for a "minor surgery" but didn't want to tell me any details. Over a few more similar incidents I began to see I valued our friendship more than she did. Then a big disconnect a couple of months later. Though we have discussed dating, she didn't "get around" to telling me she was dating someone since New Years Eve (nightly calls, and weekends together). I found out - not because she told me of her happiness, but because she mentioned refinancing her home and I thought that strange for someone who was putting her home on the marker and planning to move... that led to her disclosure of the 3 month romance that she just didn't "get around" to telling me about. The new relationship put her move on hold.
Why would she not share good news?
Since then, a couple of months have passed. I've contacted her but she doesn't initiate contact. I am giving up. I believe I was a convenience - someone to commiserate with, someone to learn from (navigating the single world at our age), but when her life path involved a man, I am no longer "needed".
I know someone else who calls me when she's in trouble (usually with her man), but we have little or no contact when things are going well.
I am not paranoid and I don't jump to conclusions... maybe that's why it takes a few incidents for me to eventually see a pattern. It's there.
I've asked myself why I attract these types of people... I am a good listener, empathetic, and I am called "a rock" by one person. I've also had my dark days - so they know I "understand". But I don't have these people available when I need someone to lean on.
Anyone else in this situation? Any thoughts/advice?
I understand you. Sorry that you have such a kind of people in your life. My brother-in-law and his wife are like that. I took care of their kid for years. They were friends only when they needed me,but they are like that with everyone. Beleive me, this people are like that. Sefish in a bad way. I think we attract them because we want to help,and they sense the ""wanting to help"" vibe. Unfortunatelly we have to be selfish in a healthy way. I am getting tired of this kind of people. A childhood friend is like that. She is on my FB. She is a kind of show off, very ""intellectual"" person. I was always the crazy one. This people dont want to hear the truth,they want to hear what they want to hear,and what they look for is material things. All ( sorry for the bad word) suckers. Vimpires,suckers of energy. The best way ,I find, is to Thank God This people don't care about me.
Not exactly. I do have busy friends who still make time to touch base every now and then out of genuine concern. I quickly cut ties with "foul weather friends."
I found this definition in the Urban Dictionary: The opposite of a fair-weather friend, a foul-weather friend, only seeks you out if they have a problem, need a shoulder to cry on, a ride to town or someone to watch their dog, but otherwise they act as if they don't even know you. They're only your chum when they're glum. A foul-weather friend will never call you to go out with other friends, go to a show or just go hang out, but the minute trouble comes, your foul-weather friend knows you are good old reliable you, the one who will listen when no one else will, and they act like you're their only friend. Don't expect the same in return either. When you've got a problem, they'll usually tell you not to bring them down.
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Anyone else in this situation? Any thoughts/advice?
I have a friend (link to thread on subject) who is not a "foul-weather friend" but simply considers himself too important to be available. I suspect he'd be mortified if he knew that his phone hang-ups were with bad news such as, in two cases, deaths in the family. So the issue of suddenly missing friends is on my mind.
I agree with you that a person who's a "foul-weather friend," i.e. he's there when he needs you, is not a desirable friend. He may be unaware of the pattern and frankly my advice is to call him out on it. Honesty is a good policy.
There are song lyrics which exemplify just the opposite, a better kind of foul-weather friend,called Rainy Day People by Gordon Lightfoot (link to lyrics thread, copy of lyrics below):
Rainy day people always seem to know when it's time to call
Rainy day people don't talk, they just listen till they've heard it all
Rainy day lovers don't lie when they tell 'ya they've been down like you
Rainy day people don't mind if you're cryin' a tear or two
If you get lonely, all you really need is that rainy day love
Rainy day people all know there's no sorrow they can't rise above
Rainy day lovers don't love any others, that would not be kind
Rainy day people all know how it hangs on a piece of mind
Rainy day lovers don't lie when they tell you, they've been down there too
Rainy day people don't mind if you're cryin' a tear or two.
Rainy day people always seem to know when you're feeling blue
High stepping strutters who land in the gutters sometimes need one too
Take it or leave it, or try to believe it
If you've been down too long
Rainy day lovers don't hide love inside they just pass it on
Rainy day lovers don't hide love inside they just pass it on
In my younger years I used to know people like this. Eventually I learned to avoid them. I detest being "used" by others in any way.
A close relative of the foul weather friend is the "Something is always wrong and nothing is ever good in my life" friend. These people are self absorbed and everything is about them 100% of the time. I'm just a warm body, there is not real friendship there.
Please note: I am aware people like this are likely mentally ill. I'm just not equipped for it. I have plenty of other "crazy" friends but they are fun crazy, know their limiations, and are still good friends in their comfort zone. It's when it is all one sided.
No, I am a "giver" also. We don't regularly communicate, but we have each others back. That defines friendship to me - even if you haven't talked for months, you can pick up right were you were.
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