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Would you hire a 46 yr old that weighs over 300 pounds?
Be honest.
Her weight and age are less of a factor than her qualifications and the job requirements. She certainly can't do physically demanding jobs, but I have seen a lot of big gals haul in a paycheck.
Every time my sister leaves her room my wife or I ask her when she is leaving. She looks away and starts crying and rushes back to her room. I suspect we are not going to get her to leave unless someone gets physical with her. She has not left the house for the entire time she has been with us so we can't move her things out physically. I talked to all family members and not one of them has agreed to put her up again or give any money for her to be bribed to leave. We are thinking of giving her $1000 in a VISA Gift Card to leave. Will that work?
If you cannot afford to have her there then let her know in a nice way. If she sees that you cannot help her because all of your income is committed to making your mortgage, car and credit card payments, then she may or may not see it your way.
There is a lot of that going around right now all over the country. I know of many in my part of the world that are going thru some tough times.
A friend of a friend has 3 small daughters right now ages 4-13 and they have been living at a "rescue mission" for some time now. It is just the young father and his children. He does work but obviously not making enough to get a place of his own. Rents are probably too high for him and his family.
Other side of that is to live like some people I know who are one using financial aid to go to university full time and the wife not working, with one kid, but getting their money from the elderly parents of the wife by taking half of the money from the Social Security checks of the elderly parents. Not good.
My husband's idea was to stock only fruit, vegetables, uncooked lean meats (so she would be forced to cook if she wanted meat), and whole grain breads for her consumption, and for him to get a locking cabinet and locking refrigerator for his other food. That way, she would have three options: (1) either be forced to eat healthier and lose weight, (2) find a job so she could buy other food she liked, or (3) move out voluntarily.
Although, I personally know how hard it is to lose weight, I can see a lot of validity in what whocares posted.
How could the sister be overeating if she does not have any money to buy food? If the OP's sister has been there several months and has not lost weight then the OP must be buying and allowing her to eat large portions, fattening foods, soda, maybe even alcohol, etc.
Heck, I visited my son and DIL's home for one week and lost ten pounds because all they had to eat was fresh fruit, fresh vegetables, and other healthy food. No soda, no desserts, no cookies, no chips, no over sized portions of anything. Well, I probably could of eaten as much hummus as I wanted but, at least for me, a little hummus goes a long way.
Plus, they were really into doing outside physical activities such as bike rides, taking long walks, hiking, playing touch football and things like that. Of course, I wouldn't have lost ten pounds every week but I'm sure it would have been a very good diet in the long run. I bet if I had stayed with them longer I would have lost at least 2 or 3 pounds each and every week.
Every time my sister leaves her room my wife or I ask her when she is leaving. She looks away and starts crying and rushes back to her room. I suspect we are not going to get her to leave unless someone gets physical with her. She has not left the house for the entire time she has been with us so we can't move her things out physically. I talked to all family members and not one of them has agreed to put her up again or give any money for her to be bribed to leave. We are thinking of giving her $1000 in a VISA Gift Card to leave. Will that work?
If she has not left the house how could she possibly have been applying for jobs? Not everything is done online.
Hmmm, if she has never even left the house, you must have known from the first few days that she had a lot of problems. This puts a different perspective on the entire situation. She sounds like she may be pretty depressed. Could this be part of her difficulty? Or, maybe even a BIG part of her difficulties?
Perhaps, you can help arrange counseling for her and drive her to and from the counseling. Or check out services in your area for people with depression or mental health issues. Or actually helping her apply for jobs at MacDonalds, Walmart, Target or other nearby stores or businesses.
IMHO, there is a big difference between "kicking out an unemployed relative" and kicking out a seriously depressed sister who has no one left to turn to in her "hour of need". She needs help from a loving family more than a $1,000 gift card. Maybe the help is getting her into a homeless shelter or a shelter for abused women (if that is appropriate) or helping her apply for SSD (if that is appropriate) but if she has serious mental health issues just kicking her out on the street may be tantamount to a death sentence.
I am certainly NOT saying that you should have responsibility for her forever, but, as a brother you need to do your part to help her. If she has lived with you for several months and you have not insisted that she job hunt, or helped her to live a healthier life style or helped her in other ways than you have not been doing your part to help solve the problem.
One of my friends had a somewhat similar situation, with an unemployed sibling. She & her husband let him stay there as long as he looked for work or was working. Each day when they left for their jobs they required him to leave the house so that he could look for work all day. They gave him a bag lunch and a bus pass but not a key. He could not return at night to their house until they returned from work. They did that because otherwise they knew that he would just sleep all day, or play video games (and possible even invite his buddies over to drink and use drugs) in their nice, safe house while they were gone. In his case, he was tired of spending all day in the park or at the library or riding the buses after just a few days and got a job. It wasn't a great job but at least he was working and was able to save up money to live on his own within a few months.
Last edited by germaine2626; 05-30-2015 at 12:22 PM..
Being required to hustle as a waitress is great therapy for someone age 46 and 300 lbs. Assuming, as others allude, she's not retarded and/or has "emotional problems". I once met a woman who had (IMO) borderline personality disorder who was actually a great waitress, when she was "on." Her desire to provide for herself and her two boys (late teens, at that point) was stronger than the urge to fold up and die. I did admire that, though associating with her was too exhausting for me in the long run (or anyone else, turns out). She stayed thin due to both the need to hustle waiting tables and her weird bulimic behaviors, I figured out. Still, it was illustrative and illuminating to see how the working class poor can get by with few skills & essentially no education, but a strong desire to survive.
I can guess how this would go for me, though I have no siblings. Like to think I'm not heartless, though, and I've dealt with people like the original subject of this thread long enough to know myself. Taking in the person: yes, I would. Probably for about a year. My contempt would grow by the day, however, if I didn't see that sibling take concrete steps to resolve major life problems. Whining and making excuses has a shelf life of about that long for my my patience level in-particular. At some point, the slovenliness and neediness would, on the great scales of life, outweigh my compassion and I'd commence legal eviction. That would be done with within several months at the outside.
That was pretty much my dad's brand of tough love for me. When I was 16 he hounded me until I had a job (short order cook), so get one I did. Year and a half later, I was out of there for college three hours away and I only came back for summers a couple years after. Thereafter, I was on my own permanently. In the end, I thanked him for instilling several valuable life-lessons, but tough love isn't easy on anyone involved. Hence the words "tough" followed by "love."
46 isn't too old to learn not to be a bum. Not by a long shot. Homelessness can be great therapy, too.
No restaurant is going to hire a 46yr old that weighs more than 300 pounds, so throw that idea out the window.
My husband's idea was to stock only fruit, vegetables, uncooked lean meats (so she would be forced to cook if she wanted meat), and whole grain breads for her consumption, and for him to get a locking cabinet and locking refrigerator for his other food. That way, she would have three options: (1) either be forced to eat healthier and lose weight, (2) find a job so she could buy other food she liked, or (3) move out voluntarily.
I like this minus the bread. Maybe even make exercise mandatory.
Take her back to your parents. They need to get her the help she needs. Tell them you will help by contributing a couple hundred a month for food to help. Give them some help finding the proper resources...because your sister sounds mentally ill. Maybe start by calling the county social services and find out if they have evaluation and support programs for indigent folks, which is what your sister has become with no job and no support.
I and others have mentioned getting your sister some mental health help a few times...I'm not sure if you are grasping the seriousness of this situation....It obviously goes much further than joblessness and homelessness if you kick her out.
Whether she remains with you, or with your parents....Contact Adult Protective Services.....Ask them to help because you feel your sister is mentally ill.
A mentally ill person is a vulnerable person and they are protected by the federal government through special programs, and supportive living, or support for living independently.
To get the help that she is needing will only happen if you get help from the State programs that are in place for vulnerable adults....knowing that she is this vulnerable it would be criminal to put her on the street. Get her help, it is the best thing that you can do for her immediately and for her future. With the right support, she can be independent and productive. Good luck to you.
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