People who make last minute plans with you (guilty, talks, person)
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I don't like this, my DH who is outgoing and talks everyone's ears off doesn't like this. We know two couples who swing by our neighborhood on a Saturday or Sunday and invite us to breakfast, or lunch. It's like 'we're here, we'll meet you within the hour' or in a couple hours. We've said please tell us in advance and we will definitely go, because we already have plans (lounge). Then we end up feeling guilty for not going because we never really had plans anyway (we sometimes like to unplug and lounge, so we can't enjoy that now because we feel antisocial for not going).
I think it's their way of saying they made the effort without ever committing to it. We're adults and we can plan things ahead imo, at least 24 hours or preferably a week or two. If people really want to hang out with us, you'd think they would invite us in advance, however, again I don't think it's a sincere effort. I believe they're hoping we'll say no. One couple has small kids and this is not something I enjoy having dumped on me when I've planned to unwind or do my own thing for the weekend. We tell or ask at least a week in advance to create space for the plans or else it feels like space invasion.
Sorry...But you sound like a couple that will soon find that folks quit inviting you at all. If you really are that strict and non-spontaneous that you actually suspect these folks are not genuine...then perhaps not having friends call will be a relief.
To have a friend you have to be a friend...Maybe call them and invite them to do something...Call them a week ahead....Then that will at least be modeling how you expect and prefer to be treated.
But, personally.....you sound like you are in a damned if you do and damned if you don't mode. Turn off your phone, you won't get a call, then you won't let someone's spontaneity ruin your day. Life is too short...Choose to be happy!
Do not feel guilty. You made plans ... you planned to do nothing. Tending to your own need for down time is important. There's no reason to feel bad about that.
I have a friend who likes to call and say "I'm driving through town. Let's meet up for dinner in an hour." Nope, sorry. Not going to drop everything because you lack the ability to plan ahead. That just tells me that I'm an afterthought.
It's like 'we're here, we'll meet you within the hour' or in a couple hours. We've said please tell us in advance and we will definitely go, because we already have plans (lounge). Then we end up feeling guilty for not going because we never really had plans anyway
I LOVE things like that, especially when we have no plans anyway!
How much is "in advance" to you? IMHO, "a couple of hours" is plenty of time to lounge around and then meet up.
If the friends are making the effort to swing by your area and invite you, why not happily make the effort to go?
Since it upsets you, you might do well to turn off the phone Sat and Sun mornings when they are prone to doing this - or learn to say NO without guilt.
I think this is an introvert vs extrovert thing. I'm completely drained with socializing as it is, especially if it's spontaneous. DH is an extrovert but thinks its just rude/insincere when people swing by.
I don't think you're wrong, but I don't know your friends. It seems like what your friends are doing is leaving you on a back burner for when they don't have something better. If they had respect for you, they would line up plans with you ahead of time. Its the same syndrome as when people are chronically late, which is a way of saying, "I am more important than you."
I do prefer advance notice, as that's just the kind of guy I am. But I do think it depends on the situation. Suppose I have a friend from out of town who will be coming to my city on business. If he knows ahead of time, and tells me "I'll be in your city from the 8th to the 12th; I won't know my exact schedule until I get there, but if I can get a night free, I'd love to do dinner with you," then I'd try my best to keep my schedule open. Or, suppose he just found out that day: "My boss just told me I need to go to a meeting in your city, the day after tomorrow; can you get together for dinner?" I would still do my best to make it work. But if that same person knew two months ago that he would be coming here, but didn't bother to let me know until shortly beforehand, I might not choose to be so flexible. And if you just call and say "Guess what? I'm here!" then it's not going to happen unless I really do have nothing else going on at that moment.
Sorry...But you sound like a couple that will soon find that folks quit inviting you at all. If you really are that strict and non-spontaneous that you actually suspect these folks are not genuine...then perhaps not having friends call will be a relief.
I don't agree with you completely on this point. It sounds like the OP's friends never call in advance, they just call and say "I'm in your neighborhood let's have lunch in an hour." What if you had just had an early lunch or were in the middle of a gardening project or just finished a bunch of errands and just want to relax for a while?
IMHO, the friends could have easily called the night before and said "We will be in your neighborhood tomorrow let's have lunch".
OTOH, if you truly were just lounging around the house doing a few things spontaneously would be fine.
Except for when we were in college and were single young adults none of my friends acted like that on a regular basis. When my brother was first an empty nester he frequently called and invited people over for a party or picnic with just an hour or two notice. He quickly learned that non-empty nesters need a little more notice, as his friends and relatives needed to work around not only their schedules and plans but their children's schedules and plans. And, in my case, it was a 30-45 minute drive to his house so I had to consider travel time too. He started giving a more notice and he found that a lot more people were then able to get together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND
To have a friend you have to be a friend...Maybe call them and invite them to do something...Call them a week ahead....Then that will at least be modeling how you expect and prefer to be treated.
We know two couples who swing by our neighborhood on a Saturday or Sunday and invite us to breakfast, or lunch. It's like 'we're here, we'll meet you within the hour' or in a couple hours.
I cannot stand anyone who just swings by to invite me somewhere. If you can't bother to pick up the phone and call me before you come over unannounced, don't expect me to be welcoming. I plan out my days in the morning, or the days prior. I don't mind doing something unplanned, but not by someone just showing up on my doorstep. If they know my address, they know my phone number. Call me first or don't come over. It's just rude.
Even calling with a couple hours notice (as the OP mentioned)?
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