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I have noticed friendships that seem equal in the beginning but after a while I seem to be the one making the effort. For instance, it's me who initiates contact all the time.
I don't know if the other person just gets lazy or they were just putting on a friendly facade at the beginning of the friendship.
Anyway, I find it annoying when I'm making all the effort and eventually I end up feeling used and drop them to be honest.
I do this too, if I am the only one initiating contact or making plans and the other person doesn't seem to be very interested in hanging out or keeping in touch I just stop reaching out. They usually don't bother contacting me again so it obviously doesn't bother them too much. Luckily, this hasn't happened a whole lot and mostly just with people who were casual friends in the first place but it sucks when it was someone you thought you were close with.
I do this too, if I am the only one initiating contact or making plans and the other person doesn't seem to be very interested in hanging out or keeping in touch I just stop reaching out. They usually don't bother contacting me again so it obviously doesn't bother them too much. Luckily, this hasn't happened a whole lot and mostly just with people who were casual friends in the first place but it sucks when it was someone you thought you were close with.
Yes, either the other person never contacts you again or many months down the line you get a message from them saying "I haven't heard from you for ages"! Like they are expecting you to do all the running around, contacting them, making plans...
Like sh#t
I cry a lot. But I keep reaching out. I have a really great friend I refused to give up on. We have each other's back for life. If I had dropped her when she was not being as giving we wouldn't be where we are 11 years later.
I've had yo-yo friends before where they drop off the face of the earth, never return calls or texts, don't reach out, and straight blow me off if we have plans, and then after a year or two when they decided they wanted to be friends again they would reappear as if none of that had happened. Generally this is because they get involved in relationships and prefer to spend all their free time with their s/os, ditching their friends (except for their couple friends). When they were single again they wanted to be friends. The thing is they would never actually reach out themselves to re-establish the friendship, but when I would let time go by and then reach out again they would restablish contact and that's how I knew we were friends again.
Honestly though...I have no interest in doing that anymore. One person I was friends with for years was a yo-yo friend and after I moved from my home state she never returned my phone calls. After awhile I just gave up. I doubt she cares since she is the one who stopped talking to me. I have another friend who blew me off all the time and stopped initiating contact altogether, and even though we have been friends for a long long time, I stopped reaching out because it is pretty obvious she doesn't consider us friends anymore. I've realized that it makes you look sad and desperate when you keep pestering people who clearly no longer want to be friends. That sounds harsh, but in my experience looking back at how long I hung onto people who had already moved on throughout college and high school, it is the truth. Additionally, no matter how long it had been since the last time my friends did the yo-yo thing and stopped contacting me, there was always a chance of it happening again, and it always did, which makes it difficult to invest in a friendship when you know you're only friends as long as it's convenient for the other person. I have enough people in my life that do want to be friends...I am no longer interested in wasting energy on people who have moved on from our friendship.
It sounds like you have a great heart and you're a great friend, please don't waste it on people who don't deserve it. You may think you have each other's back for life, I thought that way about my yo yo friends, but apparently they didn't feel the same and it hurts like hell to realize that about someone you thought you could always count on. Anyone who makes you cry is not worth your time.
Last edited by blind spot; 09-24-2015 at 01:38 AM..
A relationship takes two people to make it work, or it wouldn't be a relationship. I know that some of my friends are busy, or have kids, and jobs, and families. I don't mind making allowance for that. But when I find I am the only one ever to make a phone call, or send a Christmas card, or make contact, then after awhile I feel like the other person doesn't think I'm important enough in their life to make the effort back.
I have two friends I decided to cut off this year. Although I've send gifts, PMs, Christmas cards, and emails to them, I never receive any back. They are happy when I phone and we seem to connect right up, but often after 6 months have gone by, if I want to talk to them, I have to be the one to phone again. So this year no Christmas cards, no emails, no phone calls. I've been carrying the relationship for more than a couple years now and I think it's time to stop. I love my friends dearly and I would do anything for them, but I don't feel like I am being valued as a friend when I never get a response back.
I'm reminded of what happened when I used to take my dog out to the perculation ponds to run. He'd disappear and I would call and call and call for him. When I complained to my trainer about it, she told me to just "shut up". Since I was doing all the calling, the dog knew where I was and never got concerned about being left alone. So the next time I took the dog out for a run, I shut up when my dog took off. And sure enough, every couple of minutes, his head popped up to see where I was and what I was doing.
My friends know where I'm at and how to get in contact with me. If they're concerned, they'll make the effort to get in touch. If not, then they are no loss to me. That hurts, but not as much as I hurt myself being the only one making the effort to keep the friendship going.
This is a wonderful post and I like the dog comparison. I think you are making the right decision by ceasing to reach out to your friends. Maybe they have 1000 reasons why they cannot invest in the friendship anymore but the fact is if they wanted to make your friendship any priority at all, they would do so. It's not like you are saying "Eff you, I don't want to be your friend anymore!" so if they were to re-establish contact you are still leaving the door open, but at the same time, I don't want to be friends with someone only when it's convenient for them...I suspect you feel the same way.
I mean, you say they are happy when you call, but at the same time, I am happy when I randomly strike up a conversation with someone in line at the grocery store, it makes my day a little better, yet there is no emotional attachment there...I think people like your friends who never initiate contact or reciprocate a Christmas card or email (how hard is it to send a card??) probably feel the same way I do when I randomly encounter a kind stranger when you call them and you have a chat. In other words, it sounds like they are pretty detached to me. Of course, I don't know them, I'm only going off what you wrote and my own experience. I could be way off base!
I bolded your last paragraph because it's a great summation of your whole post and a great point. It hurts like hell to realize that someone who was important to you doesn't think of you the same way, but not as much as continuing to put yourself out there and invest in a friendship with someone who isn't interested.
Yes, either the other person never contacts you again or many months down the line you get a message from them saying "I haven't heard from you for ages"! Like they are expecting you to do all the running around, contacting them, making plans...
I've gotten that from friends and even family members before. The phone works both ways and so does email. I don't even address that when people say they haven't heard from me in ages.
I can't keep anyone in my life that makes me cry and miserable. I understand thing won't be 50/50 all the time but I should not feel used and taken advantage of. A true friend will not make you feel that way and they will happily meet you half way and do their share in keeping the friendship alive. I'm not going to force anyone to stay in my life, if you want to be there you will be there and not because it's me forcing you by never going away.
I am a very sensitive and emotional person. Lots of things make me cry. I recognize that what I perceive as a slight may not actually be one, so I tend to give most people the benefit of the doubt. I give people multiple chances because I'm hoping that I'm just being overly sensitive and they aren't meaning to hurt me. Not everyone knows how to deal with a highly sensitive person, and I don't blame them if they have to back off when I act like that. I'm only responsible for my behavior and I won't intentionally drop anyone. I'm always here when they decide they want to come back around.
I've had yo-yo friends before where they drop off the face of the earth, never return calls or texts, don't reach out, and straight blow me off if we have plans, and then after a year or two when they decided they wanted to be friends again they would reappear as if none of that had happened. Generally this is because they get involved in relationships and prefer to spend all their free time with their s/os, ditching their friends (except for their couple friends). When they were single again they wanted to be friends. The thing is they would never actually reach out themselves to re-establish the friendship, but when I would let time go by and then reach out again they would restablish contact and that's how I knew we were friends again.
Honestly though...I have no interest in doing that anymore. One person I was friends with for years was a yo-yo friend and after I moved from my home state she never returned my phone calls. After awhile I just gave up. I doubt she cares since she is the one who stopped talking to me. I have another friend who blew me off all the time and stopped initiating contact altogether, and even though we have been friends for a long long time, I stopped reaching out because it is pretty obvious she doesn't consider us friends anymore. I've realized that it makes you look sad and desperate when you keep pestering people who clearly no longer want to be friends. That sounds harsh, but in my experience looking back at how long I hung onto people who had already moved on throughout college and high school, it is the truth. Additionally, no matter how long it had been since the last time my friends did the yo-yo thing and stopped contacting me, there was always a chance of it happening again, and it always did, which makes it difficult to invest in a friendship when you know you're only friends as long as it's convenient for the other person. I have enough people in my life that do want to be friends...I am no longer interested in wasting energy on people who have moved on from our friendship.
It sounds like you have a great heart and you're a great friend, please don't waste it on people who don't deserve it. You may think you have each other's back for life, I thought that way about my yo yo friends, but apparently they didn't feel the same and it hurts like hell to realize that about someone you thought you could always count on. Anyone who makes you cry is not worth your time.
Oh she's not a yo yo, not anymore. She was having relationship issues and we were both very young, she a few years younger. She was immature and didn't handle herself very well. I stuck by her despite her making some really bad choices, and she recognized how invaluable our friendship was and still is. We keep in touch almost daily now and have done so through marriage, babies, moving across country from each other, etc. She's my best friend and my confidant. Never getting rid of her face, ever
I've come to the point where I will not shoulder a relationship with anyone anymore who can't invest emotionally, physically, etc. what I invest in the relationship then I'm dropping you out my life and moving on.
Why do people think it's okay to take, take, and take but not give anything or barely anything in return?
I know it means they're just selfish but why would you think that a person is going to continue to come to your rescue when you don't do the same for them?
Taking advantage of people will always make things harder for yourself in the end and they wonder why they have the problems that they do.
How about treating people with the same respect they give you and maybe just maybe your life will stop being so crappy.
You do eventually reach that point sometimes, I get it.
Sometimes their selfishness is really 'self-absorption' because they are in so much
pain making them pretty dysfunctional in healthy relationships.
Wish them well in your heart...and don't hang with them as much, sure.
Sounds like they have been a perfect example (all things are) for you to become clearer and not
co-dependent or a doormat.
Don't be mad...they are messed up probably from a crappy childhood and never learned how
to think and function in a healthy manner....I say.
When in doubt, always chose kind/compassionate thoughts.
When this change happens in you...you will notice these types don't enter your life anymore.
Take care.
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