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You have to understand it from her point of view. She thinks it's weird that you like her brother
this is funny, and made me smile
recently my eldest son got engaged, and there was a big dinner to celebrate, with parents and brothers and sisters and in-laws, most of whom had never met each other before. Someone had printed photographs of the couple as a memento, and we were asked to sign with a message, to give the newly engaged couple.
After the party my son let us read the messages people had written, and the funniest one by far was from the young woman's brother, my son's future brother-in-law. He wrote simply, "Good she's out of our hands and now you get to deal with her."
Thanks everyone for responses. I guess I'll just keep it simple from now on. My impression was that, if we have became a family (through marriage), it automatically makes us "siblings" and she would treat me the same way as she treats her brother...I guess I'm living in lala land and a bit naive to think this way. Oh well, if she doesnt like me, she doesnt like me. Although I am sure I didnt do anything to her on purpose since I am what you would call the happy go lucky type of gal. I even had a girl in hs who was annoyed with me because I was always cheerful lol.
I already have a lot on my plate right now, so dont have much time to think about her, I just found it kind of odd at the time as to why she's been treating me especially cold for the past 2 years.
Oh yeah, I'd definitely stop initiating contact. She doesn't want it so why push it? I wouldn't actively snub her (IOW, make a show of doing so) but I'd definitely be talking to people who did like me instead of one who didn't seem to, or who just wasn't interested for whatever reason. There could be any reason she doesn't want to be friends, so try not to take it personally. Some people just don't "click" and unfortunately, marrying into the same family doesn't guarantee a connection. Focus on people you like, and who like you.
eh, I've got 4 Sister In Laws, if we speak great, if not great. I don't care either way, they are all much older than me, we have different lives, different interests, different hobbies and I am married to Mr. CSD, I am not married to his Brother's wives.
Boundaries are your friend(s). Be cordial, but keep things brief. Answer any questions she may have about your husband's progress in a matter-of-fact way, then thank her for caring, and sign off.
You mentioned that you are ordinarily a very cheerful person - perhaps she interprets this trait as being excessively cheery, too bubbly, or inappropriate for someone whose husband is recovering from serious surgery. She sounds like a Debbie Downer to me, and if this is accurate, no doubt your optimistic personality grates on her.
So, when you write her, reread and edit what you've written and take out anything effusive or what she may interpret as overly cheerful - stick to just the facts. And thank her for caring - "Debbie: Tom is doing better this morning and the doctor says he can resume some of his regular activities in about a week. Thanks for keeping up with him. I'll keep you posted. Fondly, Kitty".
Follow the same suggestions when you're with her in person - greet her pleasantly, but hang out with others as much as you can without being obvious.
I expect she doesn't get much joy out of life, due to her own personality traits.
ouch--I think by default we all become family. Once you marry, it is your spouse's family and sort of, kind of puts you in the same circle. If my sons' did a Family Tree we would all be in it
Actually---they are no longer part of the spouse's immediate family and become extended family. I remember once I had to remind my husband's sister of that.
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I have always felt my husband's sister (I even have a hard time using the sil word) feels threatened by me, jealous, whatever word you want to use. She used to push him around when he was in school. I came along and she got pushed right out. He was no longer available to be her puppet. I did not force the issue, it is just what happened.
Do what you want to do OP. I wouldn't bother trying to be friendly anymore. She is just being rude and passive aggressive not responding to you. You don't need that.
It's an unfortunate fact that not everyone is going to like you and it could be for the simple reason that you're so vastly different that you just can't relate. It doesn't mean that either side is bad or wrong, it's just human nature. It's the way that you handle it that's important. Your SIL doesn't like you? That's her problem, not yours. Just take the high road and treat her the way you would like her to treat you. Don't go out of your way to be friendly, just be nice whenever you have to deal with her. Nothing more, nothing less.
Mothers of sons never think any woman is good enough for their sons, and the same goes for the son's sisters. So, I wouldn't kill myself trying to get along with her. She will probably never like you and it will have nothing to do with you personally. She'd hate any woman who was with her brother.
What I'd do, though, as far as her passing messages to you to pass on to your husband - I'd say, "Oh, he'd love to hear it from you personally, so I'll leave that up to you."
She'll probably try and turn it around and say that you weren't being friendly, yatta yatta. But, you have every right to tell her to tell her messages to her brother herself. Trying to use you to do so, is weird and inappropriate. So, if she tries to insist, just use the broken record technique. Just keep repeating, "Oh, I understand, but I'll leave it up to you to tell him. He'd love to hear from you."
Don't ever expect his mother or sisters to like you or be fair to you. It's not you. This is just how family dynamics work in America. But, don't let them bully you either. Hopefully, your husband will stand by you.
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There could be any reason she doesn't want to be friends, so try not to take it personally. Some people just don't "click" and unfortunately, marrying into the same family doesn't guarantee a connection. Focus on people you like, and who like you. 
