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Unless they ask for your opinion about it, I'd keep my mouth shut. My mom enabled my brother this way for most of his life. He's 44 and has never lived alone a day in his life. When he's not living at home, he's shacking up with some girlfriend. When that "relationship" falls apart he goes back home to momma until he finds another women desperate enough to take him in. It's a cycle and a sad one in my opinion.
My Aunt is a widow and has made me power of attorney. She informed me that she can't really entrust her children with her finances, because they have no assets and haven't really built or created much of their own. I sense the growing resentment from my cousins. I am thinking that it may be best for them to leave. But again, I don't want to create friction.
Oh you really don't see it!? Your aunt is creating the friction. She is causing all this. She is playing you all like fiddles.
My Aunt is a widow and has made me power of attorney. She informed me that she can't really entrust her children with her finances, because they have no assets and haven't really built or created much of their own. I sense the growing resentment from my cousins. I am thinking that it may be best for them to leave. But again, I don't want to create friction.
If you don't want friction, why did you agree to the POA? You had to have known that would cause problems.
You are thinking it may be best for them to leave? Good luck with that! For once I agree with HFB. Your aunt loves drama. I'd run in the other direction.
Does anyone think it's odd for a parent to have 3 adult (40 something year old sons and a daughter) residing at their home for an extended period of time? What would you think about such an arrangement? They pay 300 dollars a month, but they also consume all of the food and other resources and do not pay for gas/electric or internet services.
I have personally observed that her adult sons and daughter behave as children in many respects, because they are treated as such, by the parent.
I really want to give advice to my relative in the hopes that she will put her foot down and request changes, but I don't want to offend my adult cousins. What would you do?
If your aunt really, truly wanted them out she would sell her home and move into a one bedroom over 55 living community, by herself.
Unless she puts her foot down by doing that they probably will never leave.
Another possibility is for her to take an extended vacation, at least several months, away from home. She could easily cancel her cable & internet (or put it on temporary hold or something) and of course, she would not be buying or making any food while she is gone. The downside of this option is that they may trash the house while she is gone. She could, of course, change the locks so they can not stay in the house while she is gone (BTW, the laws on this vary between states, they may be considered legal tenants that she can't "kick out" without going through a legal eviction process).
I know two siblings, now age 70 and 71, who never moved out of their childhood home. Although, the circumstances were different in that they were both very, very active in the family business so they contributed fully in all of the expenses. They also cared for their elderly parents before they passed away. But, it is really sad as they never really dated or traveled or married or anything like that.
Last edited by germaine2626; 12-08-2015 at 01:00 PM..
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lovely40
Unless they ask for your opinion about it, I'd keep my mouth shut. My mom enabled my brother this way for most of his life. He's 44 and has never lived alone a day in his life. When he's not living at home, he's shacking up with some girlfriend. When that "relationship" falls apart he goes back home to momma until he finds another women desperate enough to take him in. It's a cycle and a sad one in my opinion.
I know someone like that although younger. I don't think he ever owned or rent a place on his own. Actually, he did for a month then got kicked out by his landlord for drug use.
If each child is paying her $300/month, that's probably enough to cover cable and utilities. Can she afford to live on her own, or do the adult children living there make it possible for her to support herself on the income that she has?
If she's getting $300/month total then yes, she's being taken advantage of, but if it's $300 from each kid, then she has the financial benefit of a house full of roommates without having to live with strangers. She just needs to learn to limit what she does for them, maybe get some TV dinners for herself and have those a few nights a week so the kids quit expecting meals if meals are not part of the $300/month.
If each child is paying her $300/month, that's probably enough to cover cable and utilities. Can she afford to live on her own, or do the adult children living there make it possible for her to support herself on the income that she has?
If she's getting $300/month total then yes, she's being taken advantage of, but if it's $300 from each kid, then she has the financial benefit of a house full of roommates without having to live with strangers. She just needs to learn to limit what she does for them, maybe get some TV dinners for herself and have those a few nights a week so the kids quit expecting meals if meals are not part of the $300/month.
We don't know where the aunt lives, but, in my average COL city, even $300 a month for a bedroom in a rooming house, with sharing a bathroom & a kitchen would be an absolute bargain. If a person lived someplace with internet access, occasional food and other benefits it would be more than $300 a month.
Now, if the aunt was "comfortable" or wealthy and really did not need the money, and just wanted the company of her adult children that is a different matter and how much she asks her children to chip in is irrelevant.
I really want to give advice to my relative in the hopes that she will put her foot down and request changes, but I don't want to offend my adult cousins. What would you do?
IF she wanted to change, she would make it happen.
In the meantime, MYOB.
What are you worried about offending the very people you came on here to complain about?
I should add that my relatives call me a lot and I'm often the one who diffuses arguments over the phone. It is difficult to "mind my business," when they constantly contact me to discuss their issues.
I have tried to distance myself, but it's difficult to just avoid and ignore family. Especially since my Aunt and I have grown pretty close. I want to assist, but again, I don't want to offend my adult cousins. I made the mistake of giving some advice to my aunt last week, but we didn't know that her daughter (my cousin) was actively listening. Yesterday, when I called to speak with my Aunt, my cousin mentioned that she didn't appreciate the nature of my previous conversation w/ her mom. The interaction put me in a very awkward position, because I do not wish to fight with my cousin, and I certainly do not wish to be viewed as an instigator.
It's as simple as this. Tell your aunt you don't want to be drawn into disputes that occur between her and her children. Without stating your objection to what she's doing, point out tactfully that these issues only exist in her life because she CHOOSES to have her children living with her. And then follow up your speech with CONSISTENT behavior. When she brings up the subject just say, "That's something I told you I'm not going to get involved in."
You are essentially doing the same thing your aunt is doing: engaging in behavior that causes a problem in your own life. Stop the behavior and the problem will cease. Even if it's hard, stop participating in these discussions with your aunt and let her leave messages for you on an answering device.
As the late, great Ann Landers used to say, "People can only take advantage of you if you let them." Your aunt's kids are taking advantage of her and she's taking advantage of you. Stop the chain. Maybe if you stopped refereeing their fights she would get sick enough of the arguments to make other living arrangements.
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