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Due to severe weather/flooding, we had our family Xmas gathering yesterday at our house. Not a big group, just my husband, me our 3 kids still at home, hubs' adult son & daughter & daughter's fiancé, and hubs' parents. I did the majority of the cooking...side dishes, bread, a cake. My MIL brought the ham, fruit salad, and a ton of assorted homemade sweets.
My step-daughter & fiancé were late but on their way so we went ahead and set all food out, buffet style. When they arrived, we saw they had made a pit stop. At Taco Bell. She isn't a kid, she's a 22 yr old engaged woman and she brought a sack of Taco Bell to the family Christmas dinner because " she doesn't like ham". (Not a religious thing, just preference). Ham was only 1 item out of probably 10 dishes. Her fiancé ate what we had, she was the only one who didn't. And to make matters worse....there wasn't enough of us to use the dining by room, so we decided to all sit in the kitchen. We have a small kitchen table that seats 4-5, and a huge island that can seat 4-6. My inlaws got their plates first and sat at the table, of course. My husband joined them while I was getting the younger kids situated at the island. Step-daughter & fiancé arrived and she plopped her Taco Bell sack down at the last place available at the table and pulled up an extra chair for her fiancé, leaving me, the hostess, without a seat at the table. Sort of, adding insult to injury.
Am I being too sensitive, or was this extremely rude? I did say something about the Taco Bell. I did it in a joking way, but I said "I can't believe you brought Taco Bell when your grandmother & I made all this homemade food." She said "well, I didn't know what else you were having besides ham and I don't like ham." Where I'm from, if someone is feeding you, you find something to eat & say thank you. If you're hungry when you leave, THEN you get something else on your way home! You don't bring your own bag of fast food. And the take the hostess' seat at the table. She's not a picky 7 yr old, she's an engaged "woman".
How would you have handle this & what would you do going forward?
I would relax and not worry about it. Yes, she was rude. She'll learn. Just yesterday my boyfriend was marvelling at how well I was getting along with his mom and making myself at home. I told him it was hard earned...when I first met my inlaws at age 20 I had no freaking clue how to act. THat was 27 years ago.
As the hostess, you should have given up your seat to anyone who needed it. How come you didn't have enough seats? Were you expecting her to sit at the 'children's table? Because if so, you are are expecting her to act as a grown up woman, yet expect her to know she was to sit at the children's table. Kind of a mixed message.
Sometimes in a social setting we don't know what is expected and we do the best we can with the knowledge we have. Step daughter would want to sit with her grandparents rather than her half siblings, wouldn't she?
Going forward, give your children the 'project' of making cute place cards for family dinners and put some thought into the placement of seating for the comfort of all before the meal is served.
I would be very interested in knowing if she ever lived with you because, imo, what she did was inexcusable for anyone unless they had been raised in a home where no manners, thoughtfulness or consideration for others was shown or taught at all.
In your place, I would be furious -- and if I had raised her for any time at all, I definitely would have said something to her later (not right then so as not to spoil the dinner for others); and if I had not raised her, I would have asked my husband to tell her that if she pulled such a stunt again, she would not be welcome at your home for the next holiday dinner!
Last edited by katharsis; 12-27-2015 at 08:43 AM..
I agree that your step daughter didn't behave well.
However....
As hostess, the comfort of your guests is a priority. This means making snarky comments (even "in a joking way") is a no-no. And if you had a dining room that could have accommodated everyone, why not use it? Clearly someone was going to be without a seat at the kitchen table; as hostess, I would have expected it to be me rather than a guest.
What to do? What is there to do? She is who she is. As you've mentioned, she's an adult and not one you can correct. The situation is over. Let it go. Next time sit in the dining room.
If she had ASKED first, it wouldn't have been a big deal. And we did have enough seats until she & her fiancé arrived. She said they were coming late, so we decided to go ahead & eat. She knew that & said it was fine.
I probably will do place cards in the future but she's the type who would ignore them and sit wherever she wanted anyway.
It was an emergency situation "due to severe weather/flooding." Yes, Taco Belle was rude. As for the seating issue, obviously you should have used the dining room. But now you can be the gracious hostess and let it all go (with, perhaps, a nice, relaxing roll of the eyes).
I made a comment in a similar situation one Thanksgiving that was taken the wrong way IMO, and I became known for it through the years. I always laugh about it when someone brings it up, but deep down, I wish I hadn't said it.
Going forward, I would do absolutely nothing. And say nothing further.
It was rude to bring Taco Bell and not just eat what was offered. She could have safely assumed that there would be plenty of side dishes to choose from. There's nothing for you to do about it, though. You pointed out that it was weird. Maybe going forward she'll realize it wasn't necessary.
I count 10 people at your house. Seems like plenty to justify using the dining room. You knew how many were coming, and how many seats were needed. If anyone was left standing, it should have been you and/or your husband, not a guest.
We didn't use the dining room bc we were on the cusp of needing it. There WAS enough room in the kitchen, and my husband likes to "keep things casual", so we ate in there.
No, she never lived with us. Even my younger teenage daughters know better and they think she's extremely rude. This is a pattern with her, not a one-off event.
It was an emergency situation "due to severe weather/flooding." Yes, Taco Belle was rude. But you can be the gracious hostess and let it go with nothing more than a roll of the eyes.
I made a comment about bottled salad dressing in a similar situation one Thanksgiving that was taken the wrong way IMO, and I became known for it through the years. I always laugh about it when someone brings it up, but deep down inside, I wish I hadn't said it.
Going forward, I would do absolutely nothing. And say nothing further.
Just to clarify...she didn't bring Taco Bell as her contribution to the meal. She brought it for her own personal meal. It wasn't an emergency. We just had to postpone it from Xmas day to the day after bc of bad weather.
You knew how many seats you need and decided to piece meal it in the kitchen. You can use place cards in the dining room next year to avoid the cats' table situation.
The young lady displayed a lack of manners. I treat children like that with active disregard. As hostess I ask if I can provide appropriate silverware as we do eat with implements at the table.
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