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I saw a thread about this a couple of weeks ago but I can't find it now, but I wanted to bring the topic as I'm running into a repeated issue with this. I have a friend (I'll call her Lisa,) an SAHM in her early 40s with two grown kids. She's a gregarious, fun loving and generous person, and invites my wife and I over to her home for frequent get togethers, along with about 10 other great people, and we are all a pretty close knit group. I have known these people about two years, and have met them all through Lisa, since her house is the usual gathering spot.
I'm having a party next week and am inviting the whole gang of friends out to a restaurant. Most of the friends are coming and it's going to be pretty fun, except for one problem: Lisa. Lisa talks. Endlessly. About herself, her family, her thoughts, her desires, her wishes, every single miniscule detail in her brain. Which would be fine if she would at least pretend to listen to other people. In the entire two years we've known each other, she knows hardly anything about my wife and I, because she never asks us anything about ourselves or anyone else. I've figured out that part of the reason she invites people to her house is so that she has a captive audience for all her monologues, and I'm so bored listening to her, I now tune out most everything she says. I feel really guilty about this, but I love all the other people in our group, and she is nice, even though she's self absorbed. But does she really like us or does she just want us to hang around and listen? I don't know.
I'm sure you guys have dealt with people like this. What did you do? Did you drop them as friends? I don't really have that as an option, because she's been friends with the others for decades, and I don't want to burn any bridges. Should I confront her nicely? Or should I just continue not listening when she talks? Interstingly, I've been tuning her out the past few times we've visited, haven't heard a thing she's said, and she hasn't even noticed
Here's a song to commemorate this thread. It keeps popping in my head whenever I think about this party:
I do know people like that and I respond in much the same way as you have been over the last few months by tuning them out. It's weird but they don't even seem to notice that. It's like as long as other people are in the room they can continue on with the monologue whether anyone is listening or not. I really dislike being around people like this. I find it to be very odd behavior.
Oof, people like that are so boring. Sometimes they will tell their stories more than once. Smile and nod. Interject the occasional, "Mmmm. Oh wow. Yeah. Mmhm," and make your escape after a few minutes. Excuse me a sec, I need to go ask Anna something. Is that spinach dip? Be right back.
I have a relative that can turn any conversation about any topic into a story about herself. If you have symptoms of anything - she does too - only worse! . Any crisis you are going thru - she has been there, done that and will advise you as to how you too, can get through it. Any conversation over any breakfast, lunch or dinner will be hijacked. Her. Her beliefs, her likes, her dislikes, her illnesses (and she has plenty of them!). Her child, her grandchild. Her dead family members. Her beauty today, her ugly yesterday. . Her popularity one day, her isolation another. Other of her family members are much loved, but get neglected (for want of a better word) because folks do not want to deal with her. End of rant.
My mother's boyfriend is like that. Can't. Get. A Word. In. Edgewise.
No matter what people are talking about, he's going to burst into the conversation with some long stemwinder only tangentially related to the topic at hand, ending up babbling about his days in the Air Force or the whatnot.
Case in point? I had dropped my kids off at my mother's house for a couple of hours while my wife and I met with our attorney about some routine stuff. Picking the kids up, I happened to mention how our next door neighbors had cut down a huge tree in their front yard and the wood chipper had been going all day.
Well, all this guy needed to do was to hear the magical words "Wood Chipper" and it was off to the races. This guy talks off-the-cuff on wood chippers for the next 35 minutes (I know this to be objective fact, because my mother's kitchen clock was behind him. Watching the second hand traverse the dial was much more interesting). He went into detail about how wood chippers were made, when he'd used them, and a host of other assorted facts about the damned things. It got to the point where I wondered if I could get away with shoving him into one. Just kidding. Sort of.
The result is that I haven't had a one-on-one conversation with my mother in years, chiefly because he's always right there. Hell, I've tried phoning and the guy gets on the extension. Once when we were all planting flowers at my father's grave on the anniversary of his death, he couldn't even shut up then. He was telling some stupid story about some guy he knew getting hit by a car fifty years ago, never understanding the solemnity of the occasion. Watching the game on TV? You start pushing the volume up to about 70 just to drown the guy out.
People like the OP mentions don't understand the art of conversation. When talking to someone, you listen as much as you talk. But those people aren't looking for a conversation. They just want an audience.
My mother's boyfriend is like that. Can't. Get. A Word. In. Edgewise.
No matter what people are talking about, he's going to burst into the conversation with some long stemwinder only tangentially related to the topic at hand, ending up babbling about his days in the Air Force or the whatnot.
Case in point? I had dropped my kids off at my mother's house for a couple of hours while my wife and I met with our attorney about some routine stuff. Picking the kids up, I happened to mention how our next door neighbors had cut down a huge tree in their front yard and the wood chipper had been going all day.
Well, all this guy needed to do was to hear the magical words "Wood Chipper" and it was off to the races. This guy talks off-the-cuff on wood chippers for the next 35 minutes (I know this to be objective fact, because my mother's kitchen clock was behind him. Watching the second hand traverse the dial was much more interesting). He went into detail about how wood chippers were made, when he'd used them, and a host of other assorted facts about the damned things. It got to the point where I wondered if I could get away with shoving him into one. Just kidding. Sort of.
The result is that I haven't had a one-on-one conversation with my mother in years, chiefly because he's always right there. Hell, I've tried phoning and the guy gets on the extension. Once when we were all planting flowers at my father's grave on the anniversary of his death, he couldn't even shut up then. He was telling some stupid story about some guy he knew getting hit by a car fifty years ago, never understanding the solemnity of the occasion. Watching the game on TV? You start pushing the volume up to about 70 just to drown the guy out.
People like the OP mentions don't understand the art of conversation. When talking to someone, you listen as much as you talk. But those people aren't looking for a conversation. They just want an audience.
Exactly. Kathryn made an important point on another thread earlier today. People who monopolize conversations are actually losing out on a very important part of relationships, even if they don't see that. When we listen to other people, it increases our skills as social beings. Being a person, a social being, involves giving as well as taking, and listening is an essential part of the giving. That doesn't mean pretending to listen until the person pauses for breath so we can immediately interject a comment (something me, and probably most of us, are occasionally guilty of). It means actively listening to the speaker's words, tone of voice, and observing their body language and thoroughly processing what he/she is saying before responding.
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