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When my father died unexpectedly after a brief illness, I was shocked at how many of my supposed friends disappeared into the woodwork. Not that I was expecting people to mob me with casserole dishes or camp out at the hospital with me. But, with the exception of two friends, nothing. Silence. Not a note, not a phone call, not an appearance at the funeral. Even the girl I was dating at the time. Hey, we'd only been dating six weeks, but really?
Then, a week later, it was as if it were business as usual. Here's how the subject of my father's death was couched: "Dude. Sorry about your dad. I'm sorry I didn't call, but I just didn't know what to say." Needless to say, I dumped those alleged friends and the girlfriend without hesitation. I'd rather sit at home than have people in my life like that.
When someone is facing this kind of trauma in their lives, you don't have to say anything. Your presence and support is enough. Even though my father died more than thirty years ago, no matter what, I always visit the hospital and attend the funeral. Even if it's ten minutes at the bedside or thirty seconds conversation with the friend after the service. I don't care how appalling the circumstances are. I don't care how ugly the scene is. You just suck it up and go, offering words of comfort and solace when you do. Because when a friend is going through one of the worst days of his or her life, he should have his or her friends beside him.
Anything less is a lack of character. And for God's sake, don't say something vapid and self-centered such as, "I just couldn't handle it" or "I don't care for funerals" (As if anyone does). You are not six years old. And there are times in life when your personal comfort takes a back seat to comforting others. It's not about you all the time, no matter how much you rationalize it.
I invited a cousin who said the Sunday football game was more important. That told me quite a lot.
My sister and I used to have once/week chats, typically on Saturday. However, once she realized I liked watching football on Sundays, she would call at just the WORST times - on purpose.
I did have to make a point to tell her we should return to Saturday phone calls.
"It's not like I decided to not do XYZ, I just didn't think of it! It's not like it was on purpose!"
As if that's a perfect excuse for not doing something that is expected of you. I just didn't think of it. So you not only make me angry because you neglected to do this thing, you've now made me more angry by showing me that you didn't even find it important enough to remember or think of.
My sister and I used to have once/week chats, typically on Saturday. However, once she realized I liked watching football on Sundays, she would call at just the WORST times - on purpose.
I did have to make a point to tell her we should return to Saturday phone calls.
But Saturday is for college football. Much better.
When my husband started cheating, he was getting up at 5:30am to go to work. I knew the only thing that would ever get him up that early was golf or fishing. I bought a GPS tracker online and put it in his car. It showed him driving right past work to a coworker's farm. Then at 10am he'd go to work as usual. When confronted with the evidence he said, "Since her husband moved out, I've been mowing her lawn." I said, "Is that what they're calling it nowadays?"
Not once, in the last 13 years, has he ever a) admitted he cheated, and b) apologized.
...and YET...you're STILL with this person...why??
A good friend of mine cheated on a long time girlfriend and got another girl pregnant.
He moved a few hundred miles away to be with this new girl and help raise his kid.
Months later, of course, he cheated on the mother of his child (I'm not sure if the child was born yet or not, it was around the time he would have been born).
He worked as a cell phone sales rep. His excuse for talking, etc. to this other girl was that she was a client he took out to dinner. He told us this story/excuse and I laughed in his face. He was confused as to why so I said "you're a sales rep at a small store, your clients are just regular people. You aren't cutting deals with cell phone companies or anything, so if you took a female client out for dinner, only an idiot wouldn't see that as a date. Also you apparently didn't show up at home until the next morning, did it take all night to convince a girl in her 20s to get an iPhone?"
He moved back home soon after when baby momma's entire family caught on and disowned him. Even though he was a good friend, this was beautiful to see. He had cheated so much and come up with lame excuses before and people believed him. It was nice to see it all catch up to him. I think he learned his lesson, but wouldn't be surprised to find he hasn't changed.
When my father died unexpectedly after a brief illness, I was shocked at how many of my supposed friends disappeared into the woodwork. Not that I was expecting people to mob me with casserole dishes or camp out at the hospital with me. But, with the exception of two friends, nothing. Silence. Not a note, not a phone call, not an appearance at the funeral. Even the girl I was dating at the time. Hey, we'd only been dating six weeks, but really?
Then, a week later, it was as if it were business as usual. Here's how the subject of my father's death was couched: "Dude. Sorry about your dad. I'm sorry I didn't call, but I just didn't know what to say." Needless to say, I dumped those alleged friends and the girlfriend without hesitation. I'd rather sit at home than have people in my life like that.
When someone is facing this kind of trauma in their lives, you don't have to say anything. Your presence and support is enough. Even though my father died more than thirty years ago, no matter what, I always visit the hospital and attend the funeral. Even if it's ten minutes at the bedside or thirty seconds conversation with the friend after the service. I don't care how appalling the circumstances are. I don't care how ugly the scene is. You just suck it up and go, offering words of comfort and solace when you do. Because when a friend is going through one of the worst days of his or her life, he should have his or her friends beside him.
Anything less is a lack of character. And for God's sake, don't say something vapid and self-centered such as, "I just couldn't handle it" or "I don't care for funerals" (As if anyone does). You are not six years old. And there are times in life when your personal comfort takes a back seat to comforting others. It's not about you all the time, no matter how much you rationalize it.
...and YET...you're STILL with this person...why??
omg, no, I'm not still with him. I put his junk on the front porch shortly after that conversation. We've been separated/divorced for 13 years.
I still have to see him because of the kids. I doubt he'll ever cheat again because that ho he was with put him through hell. He's remarried to a very nice woman who is really more his type. I wish her all the luck in the world.
I invited a cousin who said the Sunday football game was more important. That told me quite a lot.
What did it tell you? Did it tell you to quit asking people to do things when you know they are a football fan and the game is on? Did it tell you that your interests aren't more important that his? Did it tell you that the majority of the people in this country like football and it doesn't matter what you think?
I notice you didn't say what you invited him to do.
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