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Old 07-27-2011, 07:33 AM
 
Location: chicago
79 posts, read 99,212 times
Reputation: 51

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So, my friend and I were talking last night about excuses people give when you ask them are they interested in you anymore. So, i was wondering what excuses have you heard? Or how did you know they lost interest? My stance is this, tell me if you aren't. Dont you think it would be better if they told you instead of say not responding to emails or text? Or say if you put up a quote on your Yahoo im about wasting time, they think its about them....
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:58 AM
 
Location: Central Florida
973 posts, read 1,492,477 times
Reputation: 1098
Well, I asked that very question of my SO in June as I could tell something had changed (no more sms or daily, Morning, my love), all I got in reply was: Mein Got = My God. And when I responded that that was NOT an answer he wrote it back twice! SO, I backed off, but in my heart, I knew. THEN after some "snooping" I discovered he was "addicted" to BBW (but the morbidly obese ones) and literally consumed with adding women he would never meet and groups that made me threw up. SO.... I ended it there. BUT I think that sometimes they do not want to say anything due to the "verbal fallout" that will happen due to it, or the fact that they want to keep us around "just in case".

I am like you in that I wish men would just tell us esp. when asked directly!
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Old 07-27-2011, 07:58 AM
 
Location: occupied east coast
871 posts, read 1,956,482 times
Reputation: 1803
This topic has come up an number of times in the past.

The purpose of avoidance is to minimize the hurt, and reduce conflict.

If a person is called upon to proffer a reason as to why a relationship is not working there are only two ways to go.

First, offer only generic cliche excuses. (it just not working, I think we have just grown apart, I need my space etc.).

Orrrrr. I actually tell you.

This is without doubt the LEAST attractive option. By it's very nature it MUST become personal, and therefor hurtful.

The logical conclusion is a rather heated argument......Why do it?

Even if a relationship is not working, it does not mean that I wish to insult or hurt the other person.

Simply accept the avoidance for what it is, a polite farewell.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:05 AM
 
1,133 posts, read 1,917,350 times
Reputation: 1239
Quote:
Originally Posted by relocatingdiva79 View Post
So, my friend and I were talking last night about excuses people give when you ask them are they interested in you anymore. So, i was wondering what excuses have you heard? Or how did you know they lost interest? My stance is this, tell me if you aren't. Dont you think it would be better if they told you instead of say not responding to emails or text? Or say if you put up a quote on your Yahoo im about wasting time, they think its about them....
Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If the guy is honest and tells her that the attraction isn't there so it's not going to work out, he is deemed an @sshole, too brutally honest, no class, and thinks he's better than her.

If the guy tries to phase the relationship out by not keeping up contact, telling her he's busy and not making plans, he is deemed weak and wimpy because he didn't have the chutzpah to be honest and say it to her face.

It's a lose-lose situation.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Atlantis
3,017 posts, read 3,276,267 times
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I have certain friends that I have never heard excuses from. Just valid and rational reasons, that make sense.

For example, most of my buddy's that I have known for over 20 years that are married and have kids have had to break down a few reasons why we don't spend quality Bro time together anymore. I don't have kids and so as our lives evolved, a large part of theirs involves everything that comes with raising them along the way and it's hard for us to have anything in common

When they are asleep every night, next to their wives, their vacations are based on where they can take their kids, weekend soccer games, etc etc VS. the Skydive Outlaw living the dream, lying on the beach in Fiji with a new girlfriend, jumping out of planes and kickin' ass on the wild side. They just can't deal with it. One of them wanted to hang out a couple of months ago and had me go with him to a Friday night "Man Up" rally at his church for just guys and I was like WTF. Two days later on Sunday night, I took him drinking and got him back at 2:15am and he was wasted and his wife was screaming at me in their driveway when I tried dragging him into his house.

I've got other friends that are into playing golf, bowling and sitting around talking about how awesome they were years ago and none of that is compatible with exiting a Cessna at 12k feet so they don't even bother calling me. When I get a text from any of them, it is usually to inquire whether or not I am still alive. One of them said that I'm not the same anymore and he feels like he doesn't know me. He is miserable though.

Then I have another small group of buddy's that drifted apart for other reasons which I think in their minds relate to our socio-economic differences. They all got to where they are in really high up corporate careers and live in houses worth over 1mil (yeah, even in this economy), and they have developed an aristocratic mentality, so we just don't click anymore. The last time I rallied with a few of them, it was for a poker party where I pulled in with my Wrangler top down next to BMWs and Audis, and a case of Heineken, and the clowns were all inside drinking wine and arguing over $100 hands being too low for the game.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:36 AM
 
12,447 posts, read 9,963,829 times
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Back in my dating days, the problem I had with giving a reason was that dumpee would try to argue with me, trying to talk me out of not being interested. It quickly degenerates into a pathetic and hurtful diatribe. I would say once, with no reason, and then not respond. Nothing to counter. Kinda like dealing with a salesman.
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Old 07-27-2011, 08:52 AM
 
3,097 posts, read 4,163,240 times
Reputation: 3706
Quote:
Originally Posted by Americanwoman54 View Post
I am like you in that I wish men would just tell us esp. when asked directly!
I think you mean you wish 'people' would just tell other people, because women do it just as much as men, it is not just men who come up with these excuses and are not direct.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Central Florida
973 posts, read 1,492,477 times
Reputation: 1098
Quote:
Originally Posted by darrensmooth View Post
I think you mean you wish 'people' would just tell other people, because women do it just as much as men, it is not just men who come up with these excuses and are not direct.

Sorry.... you are right and I stand corrected! Was just thinking about my experience when I replied.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:12 AM
 
3,097 posts, read 4,163,240 times
Reputation: 3706
Quote:
Originally Posted by Americanwoman54 View Post
Sorry.... you are right and I stand corrected! Was just thinking about my experience when I replied.
fair enough....personally I like to be direct, I liken it to ripping a band-aid off quickly, it might hurt for a little bit but the pain goes away faster than if you slowly take it off, that tends to hurt while its being taken off and after. Got to be cruel to be kind sometimes.
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Old 07-27-2011, 09:17 AM
 
Location: Central Florida
973 posts, read 1,492,477 times
Reputation: 1098
Quote:
Originally Posted by banger View Post
This topic has come up an number of times in the past.

The purpose of avoidance is to minimize the hurt, and reduce conflict.

If a person is called upon to proffer a reason as to why a relationship is not working there are only two ways to go.

First, offer only generic cliche excuses. (it just not working, I think we have just grown apart, I need my space etc.).

Orrrrr. I actually tell you.

This is without doubt the LEAST attractive option. By it's very nature it MUST become personal, and therefor hurtful.

The logical conclusion is a rather heated argument......Why do it?

Even if a relationship is not working, it does not mean that I wish to insult or hurt the other person.

Simply accept the avoidance for what it is, a polite farewell.
I agree with you for the most part. BUT if the two people were in love and planned a future together, then how is it ethical/moral at all to just do the avoidance routine??? I mean even Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of independence that " a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation" as that is the ethical way to go. And even though it would hurt and there may be name-calling, it gives a necessary "closure" to havet concrete reasons why. PLUS, not everyone does revert to the name-calling and diatribes as mentioned (albiet that is a small minority!).
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