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I am a 35 y/o male. Since I was a teenager, I've always been excluded from groups and barely had more than one or two friends at any one time. I am on the shy side but not so extreme that I come across as sociopathic. I can make small talk reasonably well with both males and females. University was just as bad as high school for me. My experience has transcended countries & cultures (went to HS and university in two different and very dissimilar countries), and interests (I have two or three well-defined hobbies, but even people who share my hobby avoid socializing with me if they can help it). Both men and women exclude me from their friendship circles. Both liberals and conservatives exclude me. People of all races seem to dislike me equally. Really, any way you slice it, people seem repulsed by me. I'm not rude, intrusive, controversial or arrogant. I don't smell bad. I really can't figure out what's wrong with me and I know the problem must be with me because it seems to follow me everywhere I go.
I'm married so I'm only seeking platonic friendships (from either gender). I feel excluded both in real life and on social media. I have barely 100 FB friends, and most of them never interact with me or reciprocate my gestures or interactions. I add people I am acquainted with in real life and half of them ignore my friend requests. Meanwhile, I see people I am acquainted with adding each other as friends. I can't remember the last time someone (other than a family member or HS teacher) sent me a friend request.
People think I'm introverted because I'm so friendless but I'm not. I crave socialization. My spouse on the other hand is a true introvert and doesn't like talking to anyone.
There is only ONE demographic that shows willingness to be friends with me and that's older women (60+). Can someone make sense of all this?
Last edited by arctic_gardener; 03-05-2016 at 06:38 PM..
Take good friends however/whoever. Nothing wrong with older ladies as friends. They are funny, wise and don't tolerate bs.
A word of advise. Take up a sport you can practice alone but is fun in a group. Running, biking, golf, kayaking. Then find a meetup group to share what it is that you really enjoy.
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"Just livin' day by day"
(set 28 days ago)
Location: USA
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I'm a year older than you. At least you're married so that counts for something. Don't judge your life by Facebook. Many people collect friends as a hobby to make themselves look popular. Nobody has time for 100's of true friends.
I am a 35 y/o male. Since I was a teenager, I've always been excluded from groups and barely had more than one or two friends at any one time. I am on the shy side but not so extreme that I come across as sociopathic. I can make small talk reasonably well with both males and females. University was just as bad as high school for me. My experience has transcended countries & cultures (went to HS and university in two different and very dissimilar countries), and interests (I have two or three well-defined hobbies, but even people who share my hobby avoid socializing with me if they can help it). Both men and women exclude me from their friendship circles. Both liberals and conservatives exclude me. People of all races seem to dislike me equally. Really, any way you slice it, people seem repulsed by me. I'm not rude, intrusive, controversial or arrogant. I don't smell bad. I really can't figure out what's wrong with me and I know the problem must be with me because it seems to follow me everywhere I go.
I'm married so I'm only seeking platonic friendships (from either gender). I feel excluded both in real life and on social media. I have barely 100 FB friends, and most of them never interact with me or reciprocate my gestures or interactions. I add people I am acquainted with in real life and half of them ignore my friend requests. Meanwhile, I see people I am acquainted with adding each other as friends. I can't remember the last time someone (other than a family member or HS teacher) sent me a friend request.
People think I'm introverted because I'm so friendless but I'm not. I crave socialization. My spouse on the other hand is a true introvert and doesn't like talking to anyone.
There is only ONE demographic that shows willingness to be friends with me and that's older women (60+). Can someone make sense of all this?
I'm trying to come up with ideas for why this could be so I don't intend anything negative or to take it personally; (except it can't be taken any other way, so maybe I mean for it not to be taken in a mean way, just looking at things objectively) could it be you're projecting? Or not confident or positive? Or could it have been that you've gotten a negative reaction to being social first and it turned into a complex? I can tell you that happened with me when I was trying to get a job here a little while ago. I got rejected the first few times and developed a complex when going into interviews-- not confident at all. I'm confident now things would be different if I tried again since I don't have anything on the line if I don't get it.
Those might not be any of the reasons though. Seriously though, I would personally count it as their loss and not mine. I'm convinced if you're not content with your own company and that's it that not many people are going to want to be around you (like being needy and desperate for company). So maybe that's it unfortunately; somehow you've got to get into the mindset of saying, "Well if you don't want to hang out with me that's your loss, not mine".
Thinking about it more though, from what you say about how only older women want to be around you, makes me think that you're exuding a sort of desperation (and probably subconsciously) about needing to be around people. Older woman are going to pick up on that and, many of them having been mothers perhaps, their maternal instincts kick in and they want to take care of you seeing you as a needy person. Other people your own age are going to be turned off by that because most probably don't want to have a desperate person attached to them; they're going to think you'll turn into a problem needing too much attention. That's about all I can come up with. It certainly might not be what's going on.
As someone else said above, learn the difference between friends and aquaintances. You are who you are, it's normal to struggle to find good friends, just don't be obsessed about it. Either it happens or it doesn't. One must have hobbies in life, too.
You know, Facebook exists to make people feel bad about themselves. I wouldn't use it as any sort of yardstick for likeability.
I agree...you are too old to give a crap about who is friends with you on social media.
I'm wondering about your perceptions...are you clinging to the concept of facebook friends as a measure of your social success because you need concrete data?
I think you need to visit a cognitive behavioral therapist and find out if your perceptions and response to those truly match the reality. If you are having trouble reading and responding to social cues, they can help with that also.
People think I'm introverted because I'm so friendless but I'm not. I crave socialization. My spouse on the other hand is a true introvert and doesn't like talking to anyone.
There are a lot of myths that circulate online about being an introvert. All it means is that you feel drained, rather than energized, from a lot of social interactions. It doesn't mean that you don't like people, or that you don't want friends or that you're socially awkward. The fact that you want to socialize doesn't mean that you're not an introvert.
Can you give better examples of how you feel you are being excluded, or why you think people are repelled by you? What does your spouse think might be at the root of your problem?
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