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I'm stuck in a rut. I give up being nice and generous to people. It seems like every time I'm more and more cordial, more and more nice, etc., people are more and more spiteful. Why is this?
When I make a new friend, I am always there for them. I listen to their complaints, hear them out, comfort them, etc., but when it comes time for me to need the teeny tiniest bit of support and comfort I am ignored. And don't even get me started on birthdays. I have noticed an odd pattern! Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
I've tried to assess myself and see if it's something I'm doing wrong. I can't pinpoint anything wrong that I've been doing.
Making plans is 10x worse. I will make plans to go out to the mall and walk about, or grab a bite to eat -- nothing expensive or time-consuming because I respect that not all people are wealthy, nor do they have tons of time on their hands. I'll make plans and everyone will agree to them. At the last minute, the infamous last minute, these people will want a change of plans, or they'll cancel them. I get that things arise, but it's always the same. Not too long ago I made reservations at Cooper's Hawk, a lovely restaurant out here in Richmond. I got a group of my friends together. Everyone agreed to a reservation and seemed quite content with the selection. An hour or two BEFORE the reservation (bear in mind these reservations were agreed upon a week ago -- they had adequate time to change their mind), one person texted me and said that they can't go there because they "serve alcohol." This person then suggests that we go to Maggiano's. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, "Maggiano's is no different. It's an Italian restaurant -- there's gonna be alcohol everywhere!" Then this person's girlfriend agreed with him. It made everything awkward and uncomfortable, so the rest of us called it off.
Now, like I said, I completely understand if people have last-minute things that come up and they need to cancel. However, there is a continuous pattern with this group of friends. Something always comes up the day of or the hour of. It's like they want to make me feel guilty for making plans. Then they'll blame me if we never go out and do anything -- well, why on Earth would I after all the nonsense that occurs with them?
Because I noticed a pattern with this group, I began reaching out to new people, making new friends. These new friends are all nice until I buy them something or start treating them with the utmost care, love and respect -- it's a never ending pattern! Everyone is the same.
Am I going crazy, or are people really like this?
It seems like all people want from me anymore are gifts! I keep saying, "It'll be different with the next person," and then I realize I've been saying this about 20 people before me who all turned out to be the same.
I have a number of friends and don't experience this. Also, I seriously can't remember the last time I bought a friend anything (except pickung up the check). What in the world are you buying them?
What is the common denominator here? Without knowing you better, it's impossible for us to say what about you is driving the evasive behavior of others.
Do you have a lot more money than these friends? Maybe they can't afford to keep up with you and it makes them uncomfortable when you buy them things. You said you make plans for things that are not expensive but in my experience "lovely" non-chain restaurants that need "reservations" are usually expensive.
Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
It seems like all people want from me anymore are gifts!
Those two sentences contradict each other. They behave badly if you buy them a gift - but that's all they want. Huh? Sounds like they DON'T want a gift. Stop gifting them.
I'm stuck in a rut. I give up being nice and generous to people. It seems like every time I'm more and more cordial, more and more nice, etc., people are more and more spiteful. Why is this?
I think you have two different issues here.
Quote:
When I make a new friend, I am always there for them. I listen to their complaints, hear them out, comfort them, etc., but when it comes time for me to need the teeny tiniest bit of support and comfort I am ignored.
You haven't made a new friend. All you've done is let someone know you're willing to endlessly listen to them talk. They never intended to reciprocate, so they don't see it as a friendship.
You should "test" the next casual acquaintance you think could be a friend. When they start off talking about something that's bothering them, respond with something similar that's bothering you. ("Yeah, I know what you mean. This woman cut me off in traffic the other day, then gave me the finger...") Watch for eye contact and body language. If they start to look bored and distracted after 30 seconds or so, you're talking too much. If they immediately give signs of not even listening you what you say, move on.
Quote:
And don't even get me started on birthdays. I have noticed an odd pattern! Every single time I buy a gift for a friend's birthday, they start becoming cold and begin treating me like crap. I don't get it, I really don't.
Again, they don't think they're a friend. They turn hostile because they think you're trying to obligate them into giving you a gift and remembering your birthday...and they don't want to.
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Making plans is 10x worse. I will make plans to go out to the mall and walk about, or grab a bite to eat -- nothing expensive or time-consuming because I respect that not all people are wealthy, nor do they have tons of time on their hands. I'll make plans and everyone will agree to them. At the last minute, the infamous last minute, these people will want a change of plans, or they'll cancel them. I get that things arise, but it's always the same....Now, like I said, I completely understand if people have last-minute things that come up and they need to cancel. However, there is a continuous pattern with this group of friends. Something always comes up the day of or the hour of. It's like they want to make me feel guilty for making plans. Then they'll blame me if we never go out and do anything -- well, why on Earth would I after all the nonsense that occurs with them?
Most of the people any of us meet are self-centered and/or flakes. I've concluded it's just the law of averages. What you want is not what they want. They'll agree to a time and date but if it's inconvenient on the day of, they won't show up or will have some lame excuse.
Over time you'll find the precious few people you can depend on. Save your generosity for them.
There's a difference between being 'nice' and being a doormat or not having healthy boundaries.
Being civil and cordial and pleasant is just good manners all of the time. There's no reason to be a jerk. However, if you put yourself in the position where you are not protecting your own boundaries then you may get walked on. They're not mutually exclusive. You can be 'nice' and at the same time maintain good boundaries. If someone else isn't nice you can still be civil and choose not to be around them more than you have to.
If you make plans and the people you invite flake out then don't make plans with them again -or- make your own plans, invite other people, but not have your plans be dependent upon their showing up. If they do, great! And if not, their loss. Continue making plans with people who don't flake out on you and stop trying with the ones who do flake out. You can't change other people you can only accept/reject/move on.
You do sound needy. You buy people birthday presents? You really put people on the spot when you do that. I have no friends that buy me birthday presents; if they did, I would tell them not to. It puts pressure on people.
You can be nice and generous to people without trying to "buy" their friendship. Planning is difficult at best. I do best when spontaneous doing something. People are too busy to "plan". Ill have a friend call me and say, hey how bout lunch today. And I either say Im too busy I cant get away, or sure! lets go! where do you want to go!
Stop putting so much pressure on people. And stop with the expectations of what you want from people.
Edited to add, I checked out the menu for the place you made reservations for. You arent getting out of there for less than $50 a person. I dont know the people you are trying to make friends with, but you certainly are making sure they need lots of money to be your friend.
Last edited by carnivalday; 04-02-2016 at 09:52 AM..
Edited to add, I checked out the menu for the place you made reservations for. You arent getting out of there for less than $50 a person. I dont know the people you are trying to make friends with, but you certainly are making sure they need lots of money to be your friend.
Based on your comment, I looked at it too.
Now I know why the people objected because of the alcohol -- Cooper's Hawk bills itself primarily as a winery.
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