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Why shouldn't someone show up to visit you at 11 pm? That may be when you want to sleep...But you seem to have no reservations about showing up to visit someone at 1 pm even though that may be the time that the person you are visiting wants to sleep.
I remember back when everyone had land lines and my mother (who is to boundaries what a Sherman tank was to the front lines in WW2) got it in her head that she wanted to talk to me - actually to raise hell with me - every single morning at about 6 am.
So I just stopped answering the phone. Life's too short to start it off with an argument - hell, even a DISCUSSION - with your mom every day at 6 am.
You would not believe how furious this made her. She had it in her head that the phone was SHE WHO IS NOT IGNORED. I mean, if the phone rings, you are supposed to answer it. Period. In fact, she still feels this way.
Now, I often put my phone on silent (during the classes I teach, during church, during a movie, that sort of thing). Or I may leave it in another room. Or it may be in my purse but I've walked outside to check the mail. Or maybe - just maybe (and this actually isn't usually the case), I may look down and see that it's my mom calling and I may decide to just call her back later because I'm in the middle of doing something (studying, taking a bath, washing the dogs, that sort of thing).
When she doesn't get an answer from me, you can hear the indignation in her message. See, my voice mail message goes something like this, "Hello, this is Kathryn. I'm not able to answer the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and contact information and a message regarding the nature of your call I'll get back with you as soon as possible!" So invariably my mom's messages go like this, "Hi, my name is Mom. I would like to talk with you right now but instead I will leave you my name - Mom - and my contact information - you have my number -and the nature of my call is that I wonder why my daughter won't pick up the phone."
Guess what, Mom - your daughter has a life. Your daughter is also an attentive daughter who is going to call you back shortly. So drop the wounded umbrage.
My phone is a tool for my convenience. I pay for it and I can turn it on or off whenever I like. I am not "open for business" 24/7 for people to barge into my life just because they feel like chatting.
Same with my door step. I pay the mortgage. I am the one structuring my life and responsible for my well being and the well being of my family. I care about my friends, but I expect that care and consideration to be returned. I don't drop in on people because I am pretty sure they are busy with their lives and their daily activities - and I expect the same consideration to be extended back to me.
I'm 54 years old and have many long standing friendships and close family relationships, so I guess it's not a problem to anyone I care to have in my life.
I HAVE lost (intentionally, I guess) some people along the way because they were too intrusive into my personal time. But I have no regrets in that regard, I can assure you.
You hit a great point that I agree and live by:
My cell phone is for MY convenience. No one else's. I have no obligation to answer it or even be in the same room with it. It's not an ankle monitor, leash, or ball and chain. It's a tool for convenience.
Me having my phone on me has never once, ever, made me feel like I was wearing a leash, ever, anymore than having my wallet on me has ever made me feel like a financial adviser or having my car keys on me means I have to be in the car all the time. It's just THERE.
I think about it this way--how would I feel if I were trying to get a hold of someone and it took all day or longer? Again "in this age of cell phones" it shouldn't take an entire day. (Again, I'm not saying one should expect an immediate response either.) Well, if I expect things to be convenient for ME, what about when it's the reverse? I know I'd hate it if my car broke down (yes we have AAA but sometimes they quote a 2-3 hour response time) and it took me all day long to get a hold of someone--heck, if you can't help because you're at work or such then OK, but at least hearing it helps me not be frustrated in terms of "where IS everybody?" Well if I want things convenient for me when I'm the caller, it's only fair to give it back in return when I'm the one being called, if I can help it (and assuming the caller isn't someone who's prone to "needing help" constantly, I do agree that someone like that needs a bit of a talking to, seriously).
I answer the phone within a reasonable time, right away often-times, because I don't have this desire to act like a douche and leave people in the lurch. Wanting a somewhat timely response isn't being "needy" (please), it's normal.
I'm convinced this "I'm not at people's beck and call" attitude is extension of other experiences I've had, such as when some years ago our car's battery was dead and getting someone willing to jump start it was like pulling teeth. They'd say "I don't have cables" I'd show them that we did, naturally they then made up some other excuse. My own wife had this happen to her at her job, her own co-workers did this to her. I'm sorry, but unless you're doing that every day, where I come from that's being a flat-out douche. She finally got help when she got a hold of a friend of ours who was all the way on the other side of town, she tried to avoid hassling them by asking co-workers who were right there. She had to resort to "hassling" our friend on the other side of town because her co-workers couldn't be inconvenienced, I guess their jumper cables are for THEIR convenience or such. In my case I didn't take it lying down, I pushed the car somewhat into the road (it had been in the parking lot, I pushed it to the side of the road and turned on the emergency flashers) to command someone's attention. It shouldn't have to come to that.
This thread wasn't about calls so much anyway, I was just expanding on what the guy said about people being so impersonal and all the hassle one apparently goes through just visiting somebody in noting that everyone says "everyone has cell phones now" by noting that "heck, half the time they don't answer anyway because to some people even that is an intrusion." I'm so appreciative of my friend yesterday who didn't flip her lid when I called her on her birthday and she was at work, but again, when I heard her computer keyboard clicking I was like "if I'm intruding on your work please don't be too polite to say so to me, I can let you go, it's fine" and I really was OK with that. It's not hard.
^^That is what I'm referring to. Me having my phone on me has never once, ever, made me feel like I was wearing a leash, ever anymore than having my wallet on me has ever made me feel like a financial advisor or a loan shark. It's just THERE.
I think about it this way--how would I feel if I were trying to get a hold of someone and it took all day or longer? Again "in this age of cell phones" it shouldn't take an entire day. Well, if I expect things to be convenient for ME, what about when it's the reverse? How would I feel if I was trying to call a family member if my car was acting up and they simply didn't want to bothered? (Yes, we have AAA and will use it, but sometimes they state that it will take them 2-3 hours to come out.) It's natural, not "needy" (please), to desire a fast response in such situations. If I want it as a caller, I have to give it in return when I'm the callee, else I'm being selfish.
I answer the phone within a reasonable time, right away usually, because I don't have this desire to act like a deuche and leave people in the lurch. Anyone who does that, it would serve them right if AAA ignores THEIR calls.
I'm convinced it's selfishness and part of an extension of other experiences I've had, such as when some years ago our car's battery was dead and getting someone willing to jump start it was like pulling teeth. They'd say "I don't have cables" I'd show them that we did, naturally they then made up some other excuse. I got so ticked off I pushed the car into the road itself, then and only then did somebody FINALLY help. It shouldn't have to come to that. I'd happily jump somebody because, well, I'm not a deuche.
This thread wasn't about calls so much anyway, I was just expanding on what the guy said about people being so impersonal and all the rigamorus one apparently goes through just visiting somebody in noting that everyone says "everyone has cell phones now" by noting that "heck, half the time they don't answer anyway because to some people even that is an intrusion."
Sheeze, you act as if a response is invariably either "immediately" or "a whole day later." Your world seems to be a world of extremes. For most of us, our lives fall in the middle somewhere.
I have a very clear message on my phone, and this phone also accepts texts. If it's an emergency, leave a message. Unless I'm in a movie or at church (where it is rude to others to dig out my phone and start poking at it), I will check messages very quickly. I just don't feel any sort of moral obligation to leave my phone on, where it can ring any time, any place, and stop whatever I am doing to talk on the phone with someone.
To bring it back around to the OP, I feel the same way about answering my doorbell. In fact, I feel a WHOLE LOT MORE that way, because I expect my friends and family to coordinate with me before dropping by. And they do.
In fact, I'll go this far: If I did, for some bizarre reason, actually look out on my porch and see a family member or a close friend standing out there with no previous call or text, I absolutely WOULD answer the door, because it would almost certainly be some sort of crisis. All of my circle (myself included) knows and appreciates the social norm of coordinating vs "dropping in."
And let me tell you something, if they didn't have any sort of emergency, the first thing out of my mouth would be, "It's nice to see you but you know what - I'd really appreciate it if you called first, because you scared the heck out of me, and besides that, I'm right about to walk out my door/I'm working from home/I'm sick as a dog/fill in the blank. Let's reschedule."
(By the way, aside note: Someone mentioned being OK with friends who drop by sitting in their car at the curb waiting for them to return if they were actually on their way out to an appointment. I find this idea strange, ridiculous, and almost creepy.)
Now - a neighbor standing on my porch gets an immediate open door, because my neighbors generally would only come over in an emergency. We have a neighborhood directory so social calls are nearly always prefaced by a text or call, or happen if we're just out in our yard, or vice versa. And I'm great with that. We have great neighbors, polite and considerate neighbors, thank goodness.
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I'm so appreciative of my friend yesterday who didn't flip her lid when I called her on her birthday and she was at work, but again, when I heard her computer keyboard clicking I was like "if I'm intruding on your work I can let you go, it's fine" and I really was OK with that.
Freudian slip, sir. It's not about you in this case. YOU are OK with "understanding that you're intruding on her work, so you'll get off the phone?" When you call someone at work, yes - generally you ARE intruding on them. It's not up to you to "be OK" with that" - it's up to THEM. But in your mind, it boils down to whether or not YOU are OK with getting off the phone with someone at work.
I don't know your friend, but she's probably a polite person. Like her, if I did get a call from a friend at work, I'd answer the phone most likely, because I'd think it was probably some sort of emergency. And I'd be polite - I wouldn't be a jerk. But I'd probably say pretty quickly, "Hey, gotta go - I'm at work. I keep personal calls for after work - but thanks for the birthday wishes." Then I'd get off the phone and think to myself, "I wish he had just sent a text." And I'm sure my employer would prefer that too.
In fact, personal phone calls and texts and all that rigamarole are all pet peeves of employers, and really get under the skin of most supervisors and managers. Many employers do not even allow employees to keep cell phones on their desk or in sight - they have to be either turned off or put up somewhere. And they don't like personal calls even on land lines during work hours either, so these calls should be kept to a bare minimum and preferably done off the clock.
Several people have brought up visiting the queen at Buckingham Palace, well this is an American based forum so I decided to check out the etiquette for visiting the POTUS.
My etiquette book may be a little out of date as it was published in 1876 (140 years ago).
Well, the rules for visiting the President are that everyone, yes every citizen of the United States are welcome to meet the President and his wife at the scheduled general receptions. No need to make an appointment, just head on over.
Now, if you want a private audience with the President that needs to be scheduled in advance with his staff.
If you want to meet or visit a cabinet member and their wife, their homes are open for visitors every Wednesday from 3 PM to 5:30 PM while Congress is in session. No need to make an appointment, just head on over.
Did you say that you wanted to see the cabinet member & his wife and it was not Wednesday from 3 PM to 5:30 PM while Congress is in session? Well, you make an appointment in advance like a normal, considerate person.
How about if you're ill, say you have food poisoning? You have it coming out of you at both ends. Can't be too far from the toilet and you're hoping you just die and get put out of your misery.
You can't even keep ginger ale down, you want people showing up?
Does anytime mean they were out drinking till 2am and just decide to drop in when you have been in bed since 11pm?
Talk is cheap.
It's not just about a messy or clean house, you never know what people have going on or how they feel.
Once, this lady I knew.......came to the door. I did not want to see her, because she was just at my house, the day before.....(ruined that day.) Long story, short, guess she knew I was home, kept knocking and ringing the bell....finally she called from her cell, "I am out front, answer the door." I did not answer the door. Period. What a beauty. Was not an emergency, just a controlling person that thought you should jump when she said to.
I really think in this day and age, caution may be required answering the door. People may not be able, or want to answer the door. I know someone that disconnected the door bell; because it annoyed her and her family and the dogs went nuts. Your home may be the only place you can get peace and quiet from a crazy world. We should respect that.
I answer the phone within a reasonable time, right away usually, because I don't have this desire to act like a deuche and leave people in the lurch. Anyone who does that, it would serve them right if AAA ignores THEIR calls.
Unlike friends and family, AAA's sole reason for existence to assist their members. They are literally standing by, with nothing else to do but wait for a member in need to request their services.
Unlike friends and family, AAA's sole reason for existence to assist their members. They are literally standing by, with nothing else to do but wait for a member in need to request their services.
Yes, but my point was that if you have something going on and call seeking help or guidance, you really appreciate it when such happens reasonably quickly, no matter who it is you're calling.
Someone mentioned work. I do respect those whom I call, here I'm speaking more for how someone may contact me. To me, a reasonable employer realizes it's not the 1980s and everyone has cell phones, and thus unless someone is on theirs so much that their work significantly suffers, big deal. Do they really expect people to ignore calls all day from their child's school, babysitter, doctor etc? Those need to be dealt with quickly, such is what I was alluding to earlier when I said you give up the right to treat calls as intrusions once you're married with children. (And believe me, I DO NOT want to be swamped by numerous calls a day from the school, but if something is going down I am their parent.)
Just "Dropping in" is BAD...I did that one day not thinking anything of it and felt so uncomfortable that after 15 minutes, I got up and left. I never did that again. It doesn't matter who it is you plan on surprising by just "dropping in", DON'T DO IT! Spare yourself hurt feelings...always call first, even if the person say, you're always welcomed, because even those told that they're always welcomed isn't always welcomed!
To clarify--no, I do not expect friends, if I call them, to always always answer within a nanosecond. No, absolutely not, I do not expect that. HOWEVER, if I call, say at 9 a.m. and then it's 6 p.m and they still haven't answered, and they're supposed to be a close friend, then yes in this day/age of cell phones I think that's ridiculous. Cell phones have raised the bar, as well they should have. Hey, I'm being consistent, I think anyway--if one should always call before coming over because, well, "everyone has cell phones now," then why shouldn't the same "everyone has cell phones now" ideology apply in how it shouldn't take someone 3-4 days before their supposedly close friend can be inconvenienced and bothered to return a phone call?
Uh....wow. But no.
People are not obliged to call you back that same day even. They may have other things going on. One of my friends is a single mom who has joint custody of her son. She likes to focus on him the weekends she has him. Due to her ex-husband's work schedule, they play 'fast and loose' with who has the kid when, so occasionally I've called on a Saturday she has her son. They like to go hiking, then out to dinner, and then she's pretty tired. She usually calls me the next day to let me know she had her kid. Personally, I'm fine with that. She shouldn't have to take time away from her son to make me feel better about my place in the universe.
I *do* feel that somebody should respond to your call in two days time (meaning, if I call you on 9 a.m. Saturday morning, I don't feel it's unreasonable to expect a response of some sort by late Sunday evening). Anything after that *is* rude, IMO, but I personally don't feel cell phones have 'raised the bar' in how quickly you're *required* to respond, just in how quickly you are *able* to respond, which is not the same thing in my mind.
As far as I'm concerned, the only time a friend should call you back immediately is if you call in regards to an urgent situation ("I'm stranded on the side of the road, can you come get me?"), or if it's time-sensitive ("Hey, I've got a chance for front-row seats to our favorite band but I have to buy them in the next ten minutes, you wanna go?") Calls to just chat can wait. There's such a thing as not exhausting your friends with your constant demands for attention.
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