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I was questioning today whether or not to send a close friend of mine money to help pay off some urgent debt. My friend is 44 years old and I am 22, we have been friends for 5 years.
I ended up sending her the money - $270 plus a $20 transfer free.
I'm not financially well off. I make $1,600 a month and I am a college student. I just felt bad for her, and she has always been there for me so I wanted to help her.
My doubts: Many times I've given her advice to look for a better job and she did not take it. She is in a low paying unstable job and she has had some exhaustion-related health problems and a family death, so she hasn't really put any effort into improving her financial situation and career. What really got to me today was the fact that she told she spends $900 per month on her drinking habit. This is so irresponsible when she is in this financial position. She says because she's been going under a lot of stress she needs to drink to help herself emotionally and relax.
I do trust her in terms of character when she says she would pay back, BUT her job is unstable so that is why I worry if I would see the money in its full amount or when.
After sending the money I felt so anxious and nervous. At the position I am in financially, I started to wonder if I really should have helped someone who cannot help themselves.
I ended up calling and canceling the transfer. I received back the principal but not the transfer fee. The thing is I haven't told her yet. I should have told her before that I did not feel comfortable doing it, now it's so awkward.
She is gonna wake up in a few hours to pick up the money, and I feel so incredibly bad about promising this, raising her expectations...and now canceling. Am I an awful friend? What excuse should I say?
Tell her the truth--you re-evaluated your own finances and your just cannot afford to send her the money.
Stress or no stress, $900 a month is a LOT to spend on drinking; especially if there are health problems. Even a couple of bottles of wine can be had at the grocery for about $40 a week or a big bottle of decent vodka for about $30 for a week.
You're doing her no favors by enabling any of her bad habits.
... After sending the money I felt so anxious and nervous. At the position I am in financially, I started to wonder if I really should have helped someone who cannot help themselves.
I ended up calling and canceling the transfer. I received back the principal but not the transfer fee. The thing is I haven't told her yet. I should have told her before that I did not feel comfortable doing it, now it's so awkward.
She is gonna wake up in a few hours to pick up the money, and I feel so incredibly bad about promising this, raising her expectations...and now canceling. Am I an awful friend? What excuse should I say?
Given your age and personal financial situation, I think you did the right to rescind the transaction. It is questionable as to whether you would have been repaid. The position is an awkward one to be in, but tell her that you really had not thought it through that clearly and had major misgivings. You always need to look out for your own best interests.
$900.00 a month on her drinking habits ... oh my.
What she needs is a very close friend who is an heir to the Jack Daniels fortune.
So you were 17 & she was 39 @ the point that you became friends? That's a little unusual, but OK. You might talk to any other friends or family of hers you know - see if there's a pattern of her borrowing money & how she's doing at repaying.
Of course, you're going to have to be careful - not to accuse her of anything @ this point. If the indications come back that she's borrowing & not repaying, you're better off not lending her money. You could say that you had an emergency yourself. & then wait & see what happens. Do you know what the urgent debt is? Do you feel comfortable with that?
If she's not borrowing or borrowing but repaying OK (repayment seems unlikely, if she's got the expenses & income you've said) then you'll have to decide if you want to lend her money. I'd say No, myself - you've offered her what sounds like good advice. I'd continue with that - if she can't muster the will to help herself - even incrementally, a small step @ a time - her situation isn't likely to change by itself. Offer your friendship.
You're in school & studying. You don't need the distractions of drama going on around you - it's tough enough to concentrate on your studies. Best of luck to you!
Tell her the truth--you re-evaluated your own finances and your just cannot afford to send her the money.
Stress or no stress, $900 a month is a LOT to spend on drinking; especially if there are health problems. Even a couple of bottles of wine can be had at the grocery for about $40 a week or a big bottle of decent vodka for about $30 for a week.
You're doing her no favors by enabling any of her bad habits.
It is all right to say no. Your friend is taking unfair advantage of your youth, good nature, and inexperience. She clearly has developed considerable skill in manipulating kind-hearted people. Use this experience as a learning opportunity, tell her the truth, and don't feel guilty. You cannot afford to support her lifestyle. It was wrong of her to try to take advantage of you.
ETA: When you tell her (or anyone) "no," do not feel tempted to provide an excuse, reason, or explanation. That just gives the manipulator information to use to try to continue to manipulate you. Just say something like "I'm sorry, I'm afraid that would be impossible," and do not try to explain further or give reasons. Just. Stop. Talking. If they press you, repeat your chosen response until hey get the message.
It is all right to say no. Your friend is taking unfair advantage of your youth, good nature, and inexperience. She clearly has developed considerable skill in manipulating kind-hearted people. Use this experience as a learning opportunity, tell her the truth, and don't feel guilty. You cannot afford to support her lifestyle. It was wrong of her to try to take advantage of you.
ETA: When you tell her (or anyone) "no," do not feel tempted to provide an excuse, reason, or explanation. That just gives the manipulator information to use to try to continue to manipulate you. Just say something like "I'm sorry, I'm afraid that would be impossible," and do not try to explain further or give reasons. Just. Stop. Talking. If they press you, repeat your chosen response until hey get the message.
Well, I was the one that offered in the first place. She did not ask, she just accepted it when I offered.
But then I regretted and felt like it would look back to go back on my word.
Well, I was the one that offered in the first place. She did not ask, she just accepted it when I offered.
But then I regretted and felt like it would look back to go back on my word.
You are young and kind-hearted. You are going to make mistakes. If you own up to having made a mistake and offer an apology while remaining compassionate of your friend and her circumstances, a real friend will understand and forgive you. Simply by virtue of being so much older than you and having more life experience, she should understand that your offer was simply made out of kindness but would cause hardship for you, and she should never have accepted. A mature person would not have taken advantage of your kindness and inexperience. You made a mistake, you recognized that you made a mistake, you corrected your mistake, and you have no reason to feel guilty. Explain, apologize, but do not let your good nature lead you to make the same error again. It is not your responsibility to fix your friend's problems. Only she can do that.
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First of all, a person has to want to be saved
