Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My brother was an extremely flawed person but he was knocked around by our father while growing up so it was not surprising he turned out to be a very intelligent and educated drunk.
He never paid child support but found money for motorcycles, booze , cigarettes, and women. And while he tried to stay in their lives to a certain degree, his children became estranged when their mother remarried and took them many many miles away. They were 9 and 7 at the time.
When my niece was about 21 she announced she was dropping her middle name (which was my mother's family name) and changing her last name to that of her beloved step father. This crushed my mother who said "Well if she doesn't want anything to do with us, that's a mutual feeling" and we never saw her again. She lived on the over side of the country and it's not like there was all of a sudden no contact. One week later we learned from my brother she was getting married (when she could have changed her name to that of her husband) and while her step father was giving her away, she wanted my brother to attend. He was too hurt and did not.
I'm not sure how much contact they had in later years but when he was dying she spent a few days visiting and a month after his death she returned for his memorial service. His 3rd (or was it his 4th wife?) refused to let me even see him before his death and I had no desire to subject myself to his memorial service so I have not seen my niece since she was in college.
Fast forward to a month ago when she contacted me through 23 and Me! I was floored but happy to reconnect. This past weekend she came down from Boston for a family funeral and we met for a 4 hour lunch. My husband was with us and it was pleasant but we never got into much about the estrangement or my brother. But when my husband was getting the car and she and I were alone I managed to say "Your father had many demons but he loved you and your brother very much and he was very proud of your accomplishments. He suffered many injustices and cruelty at the hands of our father and it is a testament to his strength he was able to keep it together as long as he did". Crickets. I was not even sure if she heard me. As we were saying our goodbyes she whispered in my ear "Thank you for what you said about Dad".
I doubt my brother ever said one word to this girl's mother about our family life. In fact one time I called him when my therapist needed some information and he poo- pooed getting therapy saying "There is no such thing as a functional family."
Since our meeting, I've been thinking about writing her a letter telling her a lot about how we grew up and about her father's personality development. I think I can shed some light on his troubles and some of his positive characteristics and while I won't defend him for basically abandoning his kids financially, I think she should know more about her father. I would never have sought her out to do this but since she initiated contact I think she might be receptive to this letter. She is a 47 year old acclaimed Harvard scientist now with one failed marriage, one successful one, two kids and she has some maturity to be able to understand life is not all black and white. I know I would love to have some background information about my own father and why he was the way he was but nobody in the family was willing to talk about it.
Thoughts?
It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
Her family disowned her for changing her middle name, right? I don't think hearing about the baggage from 60-70 years ago is going to add much value to her life. She's moved on emotionally. Making excuses may just estrange her again. Just enjoy your budding relationship with who she is now.
I'd do it - eventually. But I think your relationship should deepen with her first, and you should probably give her time to ask you about it herself. Write your thoughts down though.
I'm just thinking maybe a sudden data dump about what her dad went through isn't necessarily going to enhance your relationship with her without some more context. Nor will it necessarily be taken in the spirit it is intended without her knowing more about you.
It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
I like this too. At this point in her life, she may not need nor want to know. My mother did this to me on the way to my Grandma's funeral. It was something I never needed to know especially since I spent summers, holidays, and days in between with her.
I think you have said this to her already, just not in so many words.
If and when she wants the details, she will ask for them.
I agree with this.
Even though she has a stepfather whom she loves and filled that fatherly role for her, I'm certain she has felt some pain and most likely has had issues stemming from being abandoned by her biological father. You don't want to inadvertently open old wounds and possibly damage this tenuous relationship.
Even as an adult, when she attempted to reach out (inviting her father to the wedding), she was rejected. Her father's feelings may have been hurt but once again, he was putting himself before his daughter.
I think you should focus on nurturing your relationship with your niece. As you grow closer, she may want to open up a discussion about her father but I would allow her to be the one that initiates that discussion.
It sounds like she's made peace in her way. I wouldn't give her any additional information she doesn't request. You could write the letter while it's on your mind, and just hold on to it until she asks to know more about her father.
Her family disowned her for changing her middle name, right? I don't think hearing about the baggage from 60-70 years ago is going to add much value to her life. She's moved on emotionally. Making excuses may just estrange her again. Just enjoy your budding relationship with who she is now.
I think what you said is enough. If she is curious then she might ask.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
