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I am 57 years old. My parents moved in with me 12-years ago, my dad passed away 5 years ago. I pay for everything, my mom chips in on groceries. It is my house. I am divorced and a single father (since age 3) of a 23 yo daughter who recently moved out.
My mother still, after 45 years of asking, demanding, having full blown arguements, ... still goes into my room to get and bring in laundry, among other things. For 45 years I have pointed out this is not acceptable. It has been everything from polite to a two day arguement (the latter is the only thing that worked in the last 10 years, but not because my point got thru). And tonight it happened yet again; usually it takes a few times before it rips off 45 years of scabs. And like every time in the past 45 years she is the martyr. Once I caught her in my closet (WIC) at 5AM and she denied being there, then got mad at me for saying otherwise. She did the same with my daughter. Her room was "organized" and my mom denied doing it, then got mad at us.
I am 57, 330# and, well, the last thing I want is for a aundry basket of my underwear to be at the front door all day as people stop by. And at 330# there are certain issues that make that extremely embarrassing. I point this out, and am met with "the hand" as she becomes the martyr and nothing changes.
I've spoken with therapists and tried their advise and nothing changes. The last one said: "hou have to be kidding". I've spoken to two friends and that was counterproductive as they lost respect for me since I couldn't stop it.
I don't know what to do. Perhaps just some support that I am not insane for wanting it to stop I feel beaten. I ceel violated. I feel humiliated (and yes I've pointed this out in no uncertain terms for nearly half a century). I'm getting a keyed lock, one with a programmable keypad in the case of emergency (as that will eventually happen).
I am an only child. I am it. She has noplace else to go, even for a week (she went thru my aunt's dresser the last time she was there) and me getting away for any length of time is a crime against humanity.
Maybe I'm nust needing to vent. But if anyone has an idea please share - even if to show me I am not alone.
Put a lock on the door. Even in a rental, you should be able to change out the doorknob system. That way you control the access to your room. I would have done this after about the 3rd time. Cheap and easy solution.
ps: make sure it locks on both sides so you can have a feeling of privacy when you are in the room too.
The lock is literally your only option and not at all unreasonable, since you've tried countless times to tell her why she is wrong yet she persists.
You will just have to deal with the martyrdom. Tell her that if she insists on ignoring your wishes and disrespecting your personal boundaries, you will enforce them the only way you know how.
Sorry this is happening. Kudos to you for giving her a place to live. Sounds like you are being a good son. I wonder if the old nursing home threat would have any influence!
Its obvious Mom does not respect boundaries and at this stage of the game, she is not likely to change.
Put good locks on your doors.
You have two options - live with it or tell Mom to move on. Since it appears that telling Mom to move on is not really an option then you need to learn to live with it. I'm no shrink but this seems to be a good fight picking scenario that goes on in your household which you both take advantage of when you need to vent via arguing. So she does laundry, so you're fat, get over it. Either learn to live with it or do something about it. Lock your door and remove her ability to go thru your room would be a great start.
Your mother has some serious boundary issues. Incredible that she she even goes through your aunt's closets when she is there.
I would not only put a lock on your bedroom door, I would take your daughter's old room and also lock that. Make it a den or computer room for yourself. Give yourself some private space in the house. Let mom freak out over it. It won't kill her.
Start taking vacations to get away on your own for a while. Start with a long weekend and expand it to a week. Keep plenty of food in the house when you go and let mom have her meltdown. She'll survive. Start taking control over your own life.
Does your mom have friends ? Is there a local senior center she could go to during the day ? It seems she has nothing to do during the day except make herself annoying.
Is there low income senior housing in the area ? Your mom must be getting your father's social security. Housing goes by income. Check with your local dept. on aging and see what other help there is available for her. Food stamps, Medicaid, heating assistance , etc. Gather up info on whatever financial help may be available, including housing and present it to her. Let her know that she stays with you only on your good will. The two of you need to work out boundaries. If she is impossible about this then maybe you need to present her with other options.
I know you probably have no intention of asking her to leave, but at the same time you have to be an adult in the house. The pattern you have with your mom has to stop. She has you well trained and under her thumb. Your relationship with her is mom and her little boy. It needs to change to two equal adults. It's going to take a major effort on your part to break free. It will be hard. Good luck.
Your mom needs some things to do with other people her age. Is there a senior center nearby? Not a nursing home, just a place where seniors can visit during the day, play cards, eat lunch (the senior centers here serve meals on wheels lunches to their clients), gossip with other old ladies, basically just have some sort of life of her own. She was probably really devoted to your dad and made taking care of him and their house her life's work, so now that he's gone, she's transferring her focus to you so that she still feels like she has a purpose in life. I'm not saying that to guilt trip you, just trying to explain how your mom might be feeling. And life throws us some curveballs....she could outlive you and if she does, it would be good for her to have some friends so she wouldn't feel entirely alone in life. The idea of looking into low income senior housing is also a good one...if something ever did happen to you, you wouldn't want your daughter to inherit the responsibility of caring for your mom.
A lock on your door is a good idea. Getting mad at her is probably pointless. It hasn't worked when you've tried it in the past. Your mom probably feels like she needs to earn her keep around the house and that's why she does your laundry even when you have asked her to stop.
When I first got married, my mom would come to visit. I'd open the door and she'd walk past me and my husband and head straight into our bedroom closet. I have no idea what she thought she was looking for, we don't wear the same size clothes so she wasn't looking to borrow my clothes, and she never went through my closet at her house. My husband solved the problem by buying a few adult novelties and leaving them prominently displayed on the closet shelves. And then when she'd head into the closet, he'd follow her and ask if she was looking to borrow one, because he'd just buy her one instead. I'm not suggesting taking that approach with your mother, of course just wanted you to know that your mom is not the only mom who doesn't respect her adult children's privacy. My mom always asks for a spare key to my house and she's never getting one.
Put a lock on the door. Even in a rental, you should be able to change out the doorknob system. That way you control the access to your room. I would have done this after about the 3rd time. Cheap and easy solution.
ps: make sure it locks on both sides so you can have a feeling of privacy when you are in the room too.
Oh, and don't give her the key. No exceptions.
Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind
Your mother has some serious boundary issues. Incredible that she she even goes through your aunt's closets when she is there.
I would not only put a lock on your bedroom door, I would take your daughter's old room and also lock that. Make it a den or computer room for yourself. Give yourself some private space in the house. Let mom freak out over it. It won't kill her.
Start taking vacations to get away on your own for a while. Start with a long weekend and expand it to a week. Keep plenty of food in the house when you go and let mom have her meltdown. She'll survive. Start taking control over your own life.
Does your mom have friends ? Is there a local senior center she could go to during the day ? It seems she has nothing to do during the day except make herself annoying.
Is there low income senior housing in the area ? Your mom must be getting your father's social security. Housing goes by income. Check with your local dept. on aging and see what other help there is available for her. Food stamps, Medicaid, heating assistance , etc. Gather up info on whatever financial help may be available, including housing and present it to her. Let her know that she stays with you only on your good will. The two of you need to work out boundaries. If she is impossible about this then maybe you need to present her with other options.
I know you probably have no intention of asking her to leave, but at the same time you have to be an adult in the house. The pattern you have with your mom has to stop. She has you well trained and under her thumb. Your relationship with her is mom and her little boy. It needs to change to two equal adults. It's going to take a major effort on your part to break free. It will be hard. Good luck.
Good points.
While, my mother would NOT have gone into my bedroom without an invitation, if she would have ignored my privacy & my instructions I would have put a lock on the door almost immediately (probably after one or two warnings). I bet most adults would have done that. They certainly would not have suffered through years of their mom running a bulldozer through their boundaries.
Frankly, I am shocked that the therapists & your friends did not suggest the obvious cure ----locks on your bedroom door.
There is so much more to it, isn't there? She doesn't respect you as a man AT ALL, does she? Her being around undermines your ability to have a fulfilling life, yes?
So you've been living with this issue for how long and you still haven't put a lock on your door? HHHMMMMM
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