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Does mom ever leave the home? I am the OP's age and reading his post, I am wondering if that is my fate in 20-30 years? Will I be lucid enough not to embarrass my family? Or will I babble, not being able to recall what I said yesterday? My fear has always been the body will continue, but the mind goes.
OP, I was a primary care-giver for my mother, but it was reluctant on her part, but a nursing home was out of the question. See, she had to put her own mother in a nursing home in Albuquerque, and then, my mom returned to DC after moving her in. My grandmother died as my mother flew home, my grandmother's first and only night in the home. My mother blamed herself for breaking her mother's heart. So, a nursing home was never an option for my mother (she also needed skilled care). So, now I have two boys and my biggest fear is being a burden on them and their families.
Hearing my son's say what you are saying, scares the hell out of me.
Does mom ever leave the home? I am the OP's age and reading his post, I am wondering if that is my fate in 20-30 years? Will I be lucid enough not to embarrass my family? Or will I babble, not being able to recall what I said yesterday? My fear has always been the body will continue, but the mind goes.
OP, I was a primary care-giver for my mother, but it was reluctant on her part, but a nursing home was out of the question. See, she had to put her own mother in a nursing home in Albuquerque, and then, my mom returned to DC after moving her in. My grandmother died as my mother flew home, my grandmother's first and only night in the home. My mother blamed herself for breaking her mother's heart. So, a nursing home was never an option for my mother (she also needed skilled care). So, now I have two boys and my biggest fear is being a burden on them and their families.
Hearing my son's say what you are saying, scares the hell out of me.
Then tell your sons to use their best judgment when you can no longer think for yourself, including placing you in a nursing home if you need that level of care. That's what I've told my daughter. I'm not about to make her feel like she needs to take care of me if I need that kind of help. Nor am I going to fight her if she wants me to move to be closer to her and her family, or move to assisted living, or give up my driver's license.
I think this 330 lb, 57 y/o male who has laundry baskets full of dirty underwear has issues other than his mother. She probably does his filthy laundry because it stinks...
Koale
I am 57 years old. My parents moved in with me 12-years ago, my dad passed away 5 years ago. I pay for everything, my mom chips in on groceries. It is my house. I am divorced and a single father (since age 3) of a 23 yo daughter who recently moved out.
My mother still, after 45 years of asking, demanding, having full blown arguements, ... still goes into my room to get and bring in laundry, among other things. For 45 years I have pointed out this is not acceptable. It has been everything from polite to a two day arguement (the latter is the only thing that worked in the last 10 years, but not because my point got thru). And tonight it happened yet again; usually it takes a few times before it rips off 45 years of scabs. And like every time in the past 45 years she is the martyr. Once I caught her in my closet (WIC) at 5AM and she denied being there, then got mad at me for saying otherwise. She did the same with my daughter. Her room was "organized" and my mom denied doing it, then got mad at us.
I am 57, 330# and, well, the last thing I want is for a aundry basket of my underwear to be at the front door all day as people stop by. And at 330# there are certain issues that make that extremely embarrassing. I point this out, and am met with "the hand" as she becomes the martyr and nothing changes.
I've spoken with therapists and tried their advise and nothing changes. The last one said: "hou have to be kidding". I've spoken to two friends and that was counterproductive as they lost respect for me since I couldn't stop it.
I don't know what to do. Perhaps just some support that I am not insane for wanting it to stop I feel beaten. I ceel violated. I feel humiliated (and yes I've pointed this out in no uncertain terms for nearly half a century). I'm getting a keyed lock, one with a programmable keypad in the case of emergency (as that will eventually happen).
I am an only child. I am it. She has noplace else to go, even for a week (she went thru my aunt's dresser the last time she was there) and me getting away for any length of time is a crime against humanity.
Maybe I'm nust needing to vent. But if anyone has an idea please share - even if to show me I am not alone.
I'm not sure I understand your comment about the laundry basket full of your undies by the front door all day as people stop by. Are you home when this basket is by the front door? Then you should grab it up and put it away. If you're not there, I don't understand why Mom doesn't put the laundry basket in your room since you say she doesn't hesitate to go in there.
I also don't understand why this is becoming such an issue now that your daughter has moved out. Or was it okay to have a live-in laundress when the daughter was a kid?
Get a deadbolt. Wire up your doorknob to give Mom a bit of a jolt when she touches it. Tell her you're booking a room for her in "the home". Put your laundry in the hamper; put the hamper in a neutral spot. Invite a woman to spend the night. You take over the laundry duties. Your mom may respond to
a daily reminder - write it on the calendar if you must - "No laundry today, Mom". So many alternatives. (You know arguing doesn't work so scratch that one)
Mom needs to take care of you. You need to let her.
At this point, you are kinda responsible for her, to take care of her in her last years. If I were you, I would change my perspective and instead of viewing her as my mom, I would view her as my dependent. Think about how you would "child-proof" a house, well you can "mom-proof" your house. Lock the door, and remove her access to anything you don't want her to get into. But don't fight about it any more, she probably can't even help it at this point. Just prevent her from doing what you don't want her to do and try to let go of the emotional baggage, if at all possible.
I like this post. Instead of lamenting, figure out ways to "mom-proof" your house.
But, I think you need to find another place with a garage apartment for mom. She needs her own space, and you need yours.
If you can't move, then by all means lock your door and take charge of your daughter's room too.
I'm still scratching my head over why a basketful of 330# underwear is more embarrassing than a basketful of 170# underwear. Is your parade of daily visitors rummaging through your dainties and comparing sizes?
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wow...
