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Background: I've had a falling out with my mom earlier this year and need to decide whether to let her back into my life, now that I have a little one (LO) coming. Specifically, she wants to visit for a month postpartum.
For decades I used to try 1000% to get my mom's approval and love, but all just set her expectations. Since 17 (in college) my family moved out of state and I've had to support myself. My first job I had to send my mom money each month, bc that's what a piteous daughter ought to do (according to lectures by mom).
Throughout the last 15 years I've done everything for her, bills/taken her on trips/given money/paid her debt, send her to vacation with sisters, etc. I realized my relationship with my mom was very one-sided, she was always the taker and I was the giver. She'll never see it that way, bc in our culture kids are obligated to pay back their parents and take care of them, especially in their golden years.
It's really ironic that my brothers (who are older), have never given her a copper penny and in fact have used her financially and for free child care.
My mom has always favored my two older brothers, despite their failures (jail/bankruptcy) and mistreatment (stealing money, betrayal, drug abuse).
My brother stole $2k from me (long story). At the time I was in the early stage of my career so I had to save a long time for it. I saved this money to send to my grandma for her health care bc she was in ailing health at the time (she lives in another country). I was livid and cried about it and my mom just "rug swept it".
After getting married, and in the past year, I've realized how little I mean to my mom. It was through a series of events that opened my eyes. The last straw was when my mom begged me to host her and my aunt (paid for both their flights, food, travel expenses, etc.) and during the time aunt was here they both treated me like a servant. I was 6.5 months pregnant and had to play chef, chauffer, cleaning lady, and pay for all their expenses. We got into a row the last night they were here, bc aunt expected something ridiculous so I just rolled my eyes and told her she was asking for too much (she wanted me to wait in the car while she visited her friend). My mom sided with the aunt and they both gave me the cold shoulder.
I realized after that trip that my mom only sees me as someone who can do something or give her something. We have not spoken since then (several months ago).
Question: I am expecting my first LO in just a few short weeks. Prior to the falling out, my mom was planning to come here and stay with us (permanently) to help with post partum and take care of LO. She expected to be paid for child care (even though she did it free for my brothers). After the falling out, I told her we won't need her care and that I will use daycare.
Now my mom is offended and said that I will need help for at least the first month. This is bc in our culture the mother typically comes and helps her daughter (or DIL) post partum with cooking, baby rearing, etc. Should I allow me mom to come stay with me for a month after baby comes to help out? I am worried her staying here for even a month will stress me out. But I am also afraid being a first time mom, I won't know what I'm doing. How to take care of baby and me. My husband has to return to work shortly after delivery.
Edit to add: Since the fallout earlier this year I have cut my mom off financially and we haven't really spoken (except 5 secs on mother's day).
I've been in therapy and am wanting to confront her about her actions towards me (biases, unfairness, how she only expects things). But I am also afraid if I do it will hurt her immensely bc I know my mom thinks she tried her best given her circumstances. If I confront her we may never have a relationship again. She is one to hold grudges.
Last edited by cheriex333; 06-13-2016 at 08:55 AM..
Reason: Add info
GO ahead and make alternate plans for child care. DO NOT let your mom move in.
You already know that she cannot be counted on to support you in the way that YOU need. I have three kids, and I can tell you that this will be an incredibly emotional and stressful time WITHOUT all that mom drama.
LO means little one. I'm not letting her move in with me, but she wants to visit for a month. I am weary she will cause more stress than help out. But I do feel guilty not letting her come and spend time with her grandbaby.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life
What is "LO"????
GO ahead and make alternate plans for child care. DO NOT let your mom move in.
You already know that she cannot be counted on to support you in the way that YOU need. I have three kids, and I can tell you that this will be an incredibly emotional and stressful time WITHOUT all that mom drama.
There are many resources for first time Moms.....ask your doctor or local hospital. They often have classes that you take prior to the birth. There are also many communities of parents online that can be a resource. Honestly, your instincts are usually the right thing in most cases anyway.
Don't let her move in with you. This is your bonding time with the baby and the last thing you want is to look back on this time with regret. Enjoy your new baby without the stress of someone that will be causing you to feel like a bad Mom or worse, taking over all the baby time that you want and need with your newborn. Your Mother sounds toxic and very selfish.
I usually don't make any responses in these types of threads, but must agree with Wmsn4Life after reading your post OP.
Your mother sounds like a User. If you let her move in, you may never get her out. She could well come between you and your husband in the future.
Let her move in with one of your brothers when she gets old and tired, you are starting your own family and although you mentioned 'in your culture,' I'm sure that same culture would allow one of your dead beat brothers to care for her. Let them step up to the plate, sounds like you've already done your share.
Were you the lady that started another thread similar to this? If so, I really hope you find the gumption it takes to stop this inappropriate behavior from your mother.
On another note, I hope your new baby will be happy and healthy, and you too.
Short answer. No, do not ask nor allow your mother to come. Frankly, almost none of my friends had their mother or MIL stay with them after they had a baby. It is possible to do it on your own. Please see if your husband can take time off of work, even a week or two of paternity leave or sick time or vacation time will be helpful to you and it will help him bond with the baby.
Companies are much more accommodating today than they were in the past. My son & DIL just had their second child and my son had a full month of paid paternity leave plus two more weeks where he only worked half time but was paid for full time. While his situation may be unusual, even 40 years my company allowed new fathers to take up to six weeks of paternity leave (if they had enough sick days). Not that many new dads used that benefit then but today most take at least a couple of weeks.
It also helps to have good female friends who you can ask questions and can take turns helping. Even having a friend come to visit for a few hours so that you can take a nap will be helpful in the first week or two. You can hire people to help with cleaning & household chores so that you can concentrate on the baby.
It sounds like having your mother there will really stress you out. I can't believe that she wants to live with you and get paid for childcare but cared for your brother's children for free. She will just keep on using you if you let her do it.
LO means little one. I'm not letting her move in with me, but she wants to visit for a month. I am weary she will cause more stress than help out. But I do feel guilty not letting her come and spend time with her grandbaby.
The bold ^^ is the only thing you have control over here. Work on that.
I had multiples first, and my parents stayed for a week. That's it. Unless your mom is coming from overseas, a week would be the most I'd consent to. If you can avoid having her stay with you at all, I would.
Now that you are becoming a mom, your #1 job is to be an advocate for that baby. That means you need to be on guard against toxic people who will upset the new family dynamic you are trying to establish.
This is not about your mom. Don't let her make it be about her. "Her needs" don't matter as much as the baby's needs. It will not be easy, but you will need to make small but firm strides to re-establish emotional boundaries with her. She is going to reap what she has sown all these years.
You can tell her that you and your husband (ALWAYS include him because you two are a team) have decided (fill in the blank) and you think it would be best if she came (fill in dates). If she protests and begins to insult you, say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way. Things are stressful enough, being pregnant and adjusting to having a new baby. I wish you could see it from our point of view."
Stay strong. Enjoy your NEW role as Mom and drop that old role of doormat daughter.
My God, do NOT allow her to even visit. Culture or no culture, girlfriend, unless you want her there to take over the precious time you have with your newborn and hoard your baby, DO NOT ALLOW HER TO VISIT.
She treats you like a servant because you ARE a servant- you've served her well, with money and trips and taking care of her. Now you've "served up" a grandchild and she is going to take over and leave you in the dust with her "help".
What does your husband think of all of this? Is he from the same culture?
There are many resources for first time Moms.....ask your doctor or local hospital. They often have classes that you take prior to the birth. There are also many communities of parents online that can be a resource. Honestly, your instincts are usually the right thing in most cases anyway.
Don't let her move in with you. This is your bonding time with the baby and the last thing you want is tolook back on this time with regret. Enjoy your new baby without the stress of someone that will be causing you to feel like a bad Mom or worse, taking over all the baby time that you want and need with your newborn. Your Mother sounds toxic and very selfish.
Best of luck with the birth and congratulations!
When my son & DIL had their first child their doctor recommended to them, as he did to all of his new mothers, not to let the grandparents help or even have extended visits for the first few weeks as it often interfered with the new mother and new father bonding with their baby.
My hubby's company is really crappy with paternity leave, basically there is none .
It's customary that mom is there post partum so all my relatives/some friends friends are asking when my mom is coming (they don't know and just assume). They all say it will be so hard the first few months and I will need my mom (they don't know our relationship).
I did call her out on the child care, why she expects payment from me but not my brothers. She said it's bc she'll have to quit her job to fly here, and also my brothers are not well off financially.
Well guess it doesn't matter, I told her don't quit her job and I am going to use daycare.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Short answer. No, do not ask nor allow your mother to come. Frankly, almost none of my friends had their mother or MIL stay with them after they had a baby. It is possible to do it on your own. Please see if your husband can take time off of work, even a week or two of paternity leave or sick time or vacation time will be helpful to you and it will help him bond with the baby.
Companies are much more accommodating today than they were in the past. My son & DIL just had their second child and my son had a full month of paid paternity leave plus two more weeks where he only worked half time but was paid for full time. While his situation may be unusual, even 40 years my company allowed new fathers to take up to six weeks of paternity leave (if they had enough sick days). Not that many new dads used that benefit then but today most take at least a couple of weeks.
It also helps to have good female friends who you can ask questions and can take turns helping. Even having a friend come to visit for a few hours so that you can take a nap will be helpful in the first week or two. You can hire people to help with cleaning & household chores so that you can concentrate on the baby.
It sounds like having your mother there will really stress you out. I can't believe that she wants to live with you and get paid for childcare but cared for your brother's children for free. She will just keep on using you if you let her do it.
Good luck.
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