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Why does it take 3 people to take care of a newborn?
I think in most cases where mom needs help with a newborn it's when mom had a c-section or medically complicated birth, and dad is at work. That was the case for me. I remember after my C-sections, I was not allowed to lift anything heavier than the baby. So no lifting the baby carrier, or the groceries, or the laundry basket, or emptying the garbage can.
Why does it take 3 people to take care of a newborn?
Some moms are recovering from childbirth. Giving birth is painful and exhausting. The newborn is also demanding, takes up a lot of your time and its difficult to get anything done until you get some sort of schedule established. It's nice to be pampered and not have to worry about anything (like cooking and cleaning) but bonding with your baby.
Depending on their knowledge of baby care, some new mothers often like to have either their own mother or another mother who supposedly has more knowledge about how to take care of children around so that the new mothers can ask questions.
No. Your mother is not abiding by her culture, so neither should you.
^ this times a billion
My culture is similiar. It is supposed to be a two-way street, the elder generation supporting the younger and vice versa. Your mom is all take and no give with you.
Take the money you might have spent on mom's plane ticket, etc., and instead hire someone reliable to come do your housework and errands for a few weeks or months.
Trust me, don't do it! I have wonderful relationship with my mother, but after the bird and hormones craziness, she came to help and we were fighting 24/7. Imagine you and your mother with all the issues you already have. I wouldn't do it. It will be hard, but it will be harder with her in the picture.
Why does it take 3 people to take care of a newborn?
Presumably the father will be working. The mother gets help while following cultural tradition. My mother is Japanese, and when I had my first, she stayed with us for 3 weeks, doing the cleaning and all that. Something about new mothers should not touch water-- I know other Asian cultures have a variation of this.
That said, I wouldn't have that much expectations that the OP's mother would be all that helpful.
Short answer. No, do not ask nor allow your mother to come. Frankly, almost none of my friends had their mother or MIL stay with them after they had a baby. It is possible to do it on your own. Please see if your husband can take time off of work, even a week or two of paternity leave or sick time or vacation time will be helpful to you and it will help him bond with the baby.
Companies are much more accommodating today than they were in the past. My son & DIL just had their second child and my son had a full month of paid paternity leave plus two more weeks where he only worked half time but was paid for full time. While his situation may be unusual, even 40 years my company allowed new fathers to take up to six weeks of paternity leave (if they had enough sick days). Not that many new dads used that benefit then but today most take at least a couple of weeks.
It also helps to have good female friends who you can ask questions and can take turns helping. Even having a friend come to visit for a few hours so that you can take a nap will be helpful in the first week or two. You can hire people to help with cleaning & household chores so that you can concentrate on the baby.
It sounds like having your mother there will really stress you out. I can't believe that she wants to live with you and get paid for childcare but cared for your brother's children for free. She will just keep on using you if you let her do it.
Good luck.
I would advise you not to have your mom visit for a month, because you already feel stressed thinking about her being with you. I hope you can get your DH to help you for a few weeks, and Germaine is right to encourage you and him to think about that. If you can't count on your husband for help, then I do think you need a short term strategy to get through the first couple of weeks.
I am shocked that your mom would expect you to pay her for coming. That is outrageous.
I don't like advising people to cut their family members off, and it doesn't sound as if you really want to do this, so I am suggesting you take a vacation from her for about 6 months after the baby arrives. Invite her for a 2 week visit then. You can certainly do face time with her with your baby in the mean time, if she will allow that.
I imagine her expectation of visiting you is a matter of saving face among her peers. This is what is done, and she wants to appear to be a loving mom and grandma. However it is your baby, and you get to decide what you want to do.
DO not let your mother move in. It will NOT be worth what it will cost you. The fact that money comes into the relationship ever is just so wrong.
I know the idea of a new baby is intimidating, but it really isn't that complicated. The worst part is the constant fatigue.
Join a mommies group ASAP for support outside the house. Take every pre-baby course your local hospital has to offer.
I remember bursting into tears one night when I realized that I didn't know how to give a baby a bath. Guess what? My kids survived and now bathe themselves regularly.
My hubby's company is really crappy with paternity leave, basically there is none .
It's customary that mom is there post partum so all my relatives/some friends friends are asking when my mom is coming (they don't know and just assume). They all say it will be so hard the first few months and I will need my mom (they don't know our relationship).
I did call her out on the child care, why she expects payment from me but not my brothers. She said it's bc she'll have to quit her job to fly here, and also my brothers are not well off financially.
Well guess it doesn't matter, I told her don't quit her job and I am going to use daycare.
If it will be so hard on your mother financially and on YOU mentally, don't do it! You can pay someone else for help if you need some breaks. There's no reason you should be guilted into something that will only cause you more stress and even money besides. Pay no attention to your other family members - it is none of their business.
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