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If he was a vet and served in a war, like Vietnam, his resting place should be free. I found this out when I lost the love of my life 14 months ago. But a $20,000 funeral? OMG! Luckily we had insurance and were able to give him a great sendoff for $7000. Most of that cost was for the vault. My parents always said a good vault was more important than the casket.
I would tell them if they want you to pay, your wife, MIL, and you will go plan the funeral, so you can control the cost. Do not let them make any decisions.
I'm not sure where you live, but here we have a lot of senior only apartment complexes, and they have all kinds of social activities. Take her to a few of these and let her check them out. I understand her wanting to stay in her home, but try to convince her in the long run, senior housing would be so much better. I was lucky, and our house was paid off, and I have too many pets anyway to go into an apartment.
Well, as you say, the issue is coming up with something you and your wife can agree on.
I wonder if you and your wife could sit down and just discuss the total amount of money you are willing to spend to help out mom and the funeral. Just one total amount to cover both.
And then, maybe you could bypass the sisters and take the discussion straight to her mom. "Mom, we are willing to give $20,000 to you that you can do whatever you want with it. If you want to spend it on one grand funeral for dad, that's up to you. If you choose to have dad cremated and then use the rest to live on, that's up to you. We can't help beyond this amount of money, though. If you want us to help you figure out a plan for the future as far as maybe selling the house, etc., we'd be glad to help. But, we can't help beyond this $20,000 in the future."
Maybe something like that? Leave it up to mom and then let the sisters deal with fighting with mom instead of your wife?
That doesn't work. Flushing $20K down the toilet to appease the siblings does nothing to deal with the financial problem the MIL has. It's way better to keep the powder dry on that $20K because it very well may be needed in the future.
Your wife can't make a decision because her dad just died! If you love her and can afford it, just take care of her dad's funeral the respectful way, but not necessarily the way her siblings want. Your wife will love you for this. I'd give my parents the best funeral when the time comes. I treat both my parents and parents in-law (when I was still married) as gods since that's what they're to me. Being a parent made me realize such love and hard works parents have done for their children. It's natural that I return the favor now that they're old and I'm capable of taking of them. Even though I make a very comfortable living, my other siblings make much more than I do. I'm always the one who plans everything for my parents. Since I make much less than they do, and I always propose even splits between us, their spouses usually can't prevent them from contributing. My siblings have the same view regarding taking care of my elderly parents. My siblings are the sole breadwinners of their families, but will respect their spouses when it comes to finances.
When it comes to helping out your mother in-law, all of her siblings should contribute monthly on agreed amount and you may contribute a bit more but not all or most of it. It'll be a long term care, and you don't want to resent it. It'll affect your relationship with your wife, and it's not worth it.
If the OP's wife's dad was a veteran, military troops will provide a touching flag folding ceremony and play Taps at the funeral at no cost. This is a nice touch. You can also have a flag draped casket at the viewing rather than paying for flowers covering the casket. And it looks GREAT so that's a win win.
The best gift the OP can give the MIL is to take a look at her financial situation in detail and help her regroup to live within her means. No how no way would I get roped into sending her money every month.
What a hot mess all that is.
My dad went that route. WW II vet. Military cemetery where the government paid for almost all the costs. Cremation. A small plot in a military cemetery with a grave marker. The ceremony with the flag draped over a casket where the color guard folds the flag afterwards. I have the flag and fly it on my garage Memorial Day and the 4th of July. There might have been a couple hundred dollar up-charge at the funeral home that did the cremation. My sister and I paid for the catering in the big common building at the condo complex where my father & stepmother were living in Florida. Maybe 100 people showed up for the celebration of my dad's life. We all took turns at the podium telling stories.
I made more or less the same comment about finances in post #2 of this thread. I'm not quite at "no way, no how". I'd want to start by reviewing the finances, exploring the alternatives, and then doing the right thing to make sure the MIL is safe. I think it's critical to talk to the town's social worker who deals with the elderly. They know all the options. Maybe it takes money every month. Maybe it doesn't. I certainly wouldn't get roped into paying a mortgage. Either I own the house or the house gets sold and she rents after the house is sold.
Funeral parlors remind me of 5 dollar cards. It's marketing and they've used guilt to sell their wares.
Is anyone dead better off with a more expensive funeral?
Next, why is someone entitled to a place with a mortgage? What will you do when your money is gone?
Anyone here have strains on their marriage due to the death of their spouses parents and the drama connected to the arrangements?
About a week ago I started a discussion on City Data about my wife's father being on his death bed and how she did not want to spend the time and money to say goodbye to her Dad after a lifetime of coldness from both her parents. Well after a week of suffering, the lord has send my wife's father home. He has died and now we are in funeral planning mode.
The rest of the family (my wife's three sisters) now are saying how wonderful their father was and how he deserves a great send off. The best casket, a two day visitation at the funeral home, a fancy funeral and a huge reception for family and friends. Estimated cost about $20,000.
Trouble is, the rest of the family does not have any money and are living pay check to paycheck. My wife is the only person who has any money and were were told that we will pay for the whole event. We owe it to him and the family because we could not find the time to visit him on his death bed.
Our money situation is good, but not excellent. We are retired.
Because my wife's mother will not have her now deceased husband's Social Security checks anymore, she will not have enough money to pay her mortgage and cover other expenses, so we were told that we should send her a $1000 a month to cover the shortfall. Her parents stopped paying on the term life insurance and, again, no one else in the family has any money.
Your thoughts and your own experiences regarding how your relationship with your spouse was impacted by the death of his or her parents.
Oh hell no. I can't believe you would even ask that question. As someone else pointed out the family wants to have a elaborate funeral on your dime. Whether they know or think you can afford it or not, tell them it is not happening. Give the man a decent minimal burial. You should be able to pull it off for about $10,000. I would tell them they need to pitch in because you can't afford it all yourself. If they balk at it then that is your excuse, we can't afford any more. There is no sense putting good money under the ground. You can love someone all their lives but it doesn't require a big send-off.
As far as taking care of the Mother-in-law I would get the wife's opinion on that one. I love people who don't plan for stuff like this and expect the younger children or relatives to take care of them. If you are not a rich person $1,000 a month for the mother will definitely put a strain on your Finances and marriage. I have been in a situation like this myself. When you refuse to Pony up the dough, you will be amazed at how fast they figure it out and the problem is solved. Do not let them guilt you into footing all the bills. Do you want to end up in the Poorhouse too? If worst comes to worst have the woman move in with one of the relatives and just take care of her. That would not cost $1,000 a month.
My husband was cremated and it cost me $1200. I would have liked him to have a nicer "sending off" but in the end what does it matter how your remains are dealt with? Dead is dead - the soul has left the body. Don't let others, including funeral homes make you feel you MUST spend $20K for a fancy funeral when your wife was not even on good terms with her father. Don't let her guilt, whether it's justified or not, call the shots here.
I paid $950 for a cemetery plot for my mom last summer in a cemetery a couple hundred yards from my house. A headstone will run about $2,000 engraved and installed. My mom wanted the traditional cremation and cemetery thing. It's $4K, not $20K.
And then, maybe you could bypass the sisters and take the discussion straight to her mom. "Mom, we are willing to give $20,000 to you that you can do whatever you want with it. If you want to spend it on one grand funeral for dad, that's up to you. If you choose to have dad cremated and then use the rest to live on, that's up to you. We can't help beyond this amount of money, though. If you want us to help you figure out a plan for the future as far as maybe selling the house, etc., we'd be glad to help. But, we can't help beyond this $20,000 in the future."
No. We all know how that would go. Mom would spend it all on the funeral now. Either because she is grieving and not thinking economically smart or because her other daughters would put the same pressure on her. Then when she is having financial difficulties later the family is still going to come to you for help. And then you'll be in the same spot as now, having to be the bad guy and say no. If you can't say no now, it isn't going to be any easier later.
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